The Gray Monster...Aaaand The Fucking Unicorn!
I woke up this morning, and just like most other mornings everything was gray. A slightly uncanny ether of gloom.
But at the same time I could sense something light. I could feel a brightness coming from somewhere.
I could see the monster. Like maybe he has been hiding under the bed for ever and all the sudden had the urge to come out. But even the monster is too scared to face me. His back turned towards me, he stands blocking all the light from coming in.
I can't see his face. And really, that's all I fucking want. Sometimes I think to myself that all the people around me can probably see exactly what it is that keeps me feeling this way.
Like maybe one day some one will come up to me and say, "yo, there is this demon on your shoulder, and he's holding a sign that says your bad shit crazy". But it's way to subtle for that. I know this.
And all I can really do is keep training myself to focus on whats good with me. Keep learning to practice accepting me, all of me.
The further down the rabbit hole I go, the more colors I see. Like the darkness has been hiding something beautiful.
Earlier this morning I had a thought that I view myself as unworthy.
Hang on, I think I wrote it down...
ooh, so I wrote this upon waking this morning, in a free write sort of style
Gloom-ish. I sense light. But I don't see it. I sense a presence of greatness. But it's finger holds elude me. I peel my skin back and I see nothing worthy. Maybe this is the seed of my antiquity.
I am worthy. I am the power I feel. I am the light I can't quite see. Take off this cloak that covers my nakedness and the world will light on fire.
Fuuuuck yeah! I like it.
But not seeing anything worthy. That hit me. I am worthy. And maybe part of it is that I don't totally know who I am. I don't see all of me. And here in lies my dilemma. I want to accept every part of me, but I don't know all the parts of me. I feel fragmented.
But maybe I don't need to know.
I don't need to know. Its gotta be a life long endeavor, that's constantly changing and ebbing and flowing through life. Derp duh!
Ha, fuck! Its not about figuring it all out. Holy shit. Yet again, its the same lesson I have already learned before just in a different space.
I'm not going to figure it out. Not till the next moment comes and I figure it out then.
I am who I am now. Eclectic by way of everything I do. Down to the way I think. I pull from so many different forms of contours and processes and progressions and potentials and past shenanigans that I'll lose my train of thought sometimes.
I'm eccentric to the max. And I realize as I write, that this could be a point of contention within myself. I believe my eccentricity was negated at one point in my life. It was condemned as foolish or embarrassing or childish. But its not. Its just me.
It's like tourretts in a way. Though not tourettes. And I just have to make a funny face, and say some random ass shit that makes no sense, but I promise you, it makes so much sense to me. Fuuuuuuuck!!
This is kind of a big deal right now. It makes a lot of sense. It fits in with the idea of concerning myself with what others think of me. It also makes sense when I recollect random moments where I felt a sense of regression, like I was acting like a child. But I think the center point of this conundrum is that I listened to someone else, and believed in their condemnation of a part of me that is innate to my personality.
OOOOOOH Jesus!!! It makes even more sense. It IS my personality. I'm random as hell. Most of the time make no sense to most people, unless you allow me to explain, which sometimes goes on 7 different tangents....but I come back to point 1. Just trust me.
The big gray monster was a false belief. When I peeled back my skin I didn't see anything, because I believed there was nothing to see. But now the colors are starting to sparkle. Like a goddamn unicorn. Fuck the gray monster! Give me a fucking unicorn with some bitchin wings and I'll call him Pegasex, cause my shit is goddamn sexy.
So fucking what if someone finds me embarrassing?
I'm the odd ball. The black sheep. And I fucking love being the black sheep. I got shit to say and faces to make. And if you come close to me, I might just kiss you on your fucking luscious lips, you fucking asshole. Or kiss you on your ass hole you fucking lips....Lets not go there right now.
So yeah. Sighs of relief. Jesus praise be amen!!
It's interesting to see it. Its even more interesting to see how it plays out as I become more courageous in who I am.
I think this aspect of hiding my eccentricity plays into "taking things too seriously" and finding myself "too sensitive" sometimes.
They are like defense mechanisms for keeping my wild eyed craziness hidden.
So here is to undressing my soul. Letting my personality back out to play.
I sense a little bit more light. I feel a tad brighter and I'm starting to enjoy this random writing extravaganza. Just roll with it.
And thus saith the Lord, fuck the world and feed it beans. Amen.
Much graciousness.
Till next time
'La Loving Logan'
But at the same time I could sense something light. I could feel a brightness coming from somewhere.
I could see the monster. Like maybe he has been hiding under the bed for ever and all the sudden had the urge to come out. But even the monster is too scared to face me. His back turned towards me, he stands blocking all the light from coming in.
I can't see his face. And really, that's all I fucking want. Sometimes I think to myself that all the people around me can probably see exactly what it is that keeps me feeling this way.
Like maybe one day some one will come up to me and say, "yo, there is this demon on your shoulder, and he's holding a sign that says your bad shit crazy". But it's way to subtle for that. I know this.
And all I can really do is keep training myself to focus on whats good with me. Keep learning to practice accepting me, all of me.
The further down the rabbit hole I go, the more colors I see. Like the darkness has been hiding something beautiful.
Earlier this morning I had a thought that I view myself as unworthy.
Hang on, I think I wrote it down...
ooh, so I wrote this upon waking this morning, in a free write sort of style
Gloom-ish. I sense light. But I don't see it. I sense a presence of greatness. But it's finger holds elude me. I peel my skin back and I see nothing worthy. Maybe this is the seed of my antiquity.
I am worthy. I am the power I feel. I am the light I can't quite see. Take off this cloak that covers my nakedness and the world will light on fire.
Fuuuuck yeah! I like it.
But not seeing anything worthy. That hit me. I am worthy. And maybe part of it is that I don't totally know who I am. I don't see all of me. And here in lies my dilemma. I want to accept every part of me, but I don't know all the parts of me. I feel fragmented.
But maybe I don't need to know.
I don't need to know. Its gotta be a life long endeavor, that's constantly changing and ebbing and flowing through life. Derp duh!
Ha, fuck! Its not about figuring it all out. Holy shit. Yet again, its the same lesson I have already learned before just in a different space.
I'm not going to figure it out. Not till the next moment comes and I figure it out then.
I am who I am now. Eclectic by way of everything I do. Down to the way I think. I pull from so many different forms of contours and processes and progressions and potentials and past shenanigans that I'll lose my train of thought sometimes.
I'm eccentric to the max. And I realize as I write, that this could be a point of contention within myself. I believe my eccentricity was negated at one point in my life. It was condemned as foolish or embarrassing or childish. But its not. Its just me.
It's like tourretts in a way. Though not tourettes. And I just have to make a funny face, and say some random ass shit that makes no sense, but I promise you, it makes so much sense to me. Fuuuuuuuck!!
This is kind of a big deal right now. It makes a lot of sense. It fits in with the idea of concerning myself with what others think of me. It also makes sense when I recollect random moments where I felt a sense of regression, like I was acting like a child. But I think the center point of this conundrum is that I listened to someone else, and believed in their condemnation of a part of me that is innate to my personality.
OOOOOOH Jesus!!! It makes even more sense. It IS my personality. I'm random as hell. Most of the time make no sense to most people, unless you allow me to explain, which sometimes goes on 7 different tangents....but I come back to point 1. Just trust me.
The big gray monster was a false belief. When I peeled back my skin I didn't see anything, because I believed there was nothing to see. But now the colors are starting to sparkle. Like a goddamn unicorn. Fuck the gray monster! Give me a fucking unicorn with some bitchin wings and I'll call him Pegasex, cause my shit is goddamn sexy.
So fucking what if someone finds me embarrassing?
I'm the odd ball. The black sheep. And I fucking love being the black sheep. I got shit to say and faces to make. And if you come close to me, I might just kiss you on your fucking luscious lips, you fucking asshole. Or kiss you on your ass hole you fucking lips....Lets not go there right now.
So yeah. Sighs of relief. Jesus praise be amen!!
It's interesting to see it. Its even more interesting to see how it plays out as I become more courageous in who I am.
I think this aspect of hiding my eccentricity plays into "taking things too seriously" and finding myself "too sensitive" sometimes.
They are like defense mechanisms for keeping my wild eyed craziness hidden.
So here is to undressing my soul. Letting my personality back out to play.
I sense a little bit more light. I feel a tad brighter and I'm starting to enjoy this random writing extravaganza. Just roll with it.
And thus saith the Lord, fuck the world and feed it beans. Amen.
Much graciousness.
Till next time
'La Loving Logan'
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