Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

I'm slightly above the mediocre line of feeling. Meaning I don't feel sad and I don't feel melancholy but I also don't feel totally happy. or maybe I do. actually I think I am happy. I'm happy with where I am at in life, but looking forward to making shit better. I doon't have any regrets right now. excpet for maybe the part where I blacked out the other night after drinking 9 beers.  once I start, and there is an opportunity to stay out late, I don't seem to stop. And its interesting because I don't get that feeling of being drunk, I just start to notice that I \slowly become an asshole. I didn't even pay for my drink at the bar the other night. I blacked out after the second round of bud-light.  I assume I left after that,but I have no idea. I was hung over all the next day.  Besides that moment I'm genuinely happy. I have been doing things each day to feed into the energy of my passions and what I truly want to do.  reading,...

One of my desires at this point and time in my life, is to find more confidence in who I am and how I relate to other people, strangers included. I was sheltered to a very extreme degree. And while I remember that not affecting me so much, it seems like it has caught up to me. I have a hard time carrying on a conversation, and myabe I am being extermely hard on myself. But the fact is, I don't feel totally comfortable talking to most people. I always seem to be fishing for what to say next. I don't understand what people are saying sometimes. I get left behind in the existential crisis of not knowing anything about pop culture from the year 2008 and back. I seem to remember being vivacious and gregarious, but that was also back when I was partying my face off. So I am inclined to think that it was mostly drug and alchohol induced reverly of act. I can see it getting better. I know it takes time and practice to get good at these things. I'm just an impatient mother f...

I feel as though I have created or come into an attitude of more confidence. I felt lighter and more energized at work last night. I had no issues with talking to people and the work was fun and exciting for the evening. Except when I had to clean vomit from the wall in the ladies restroom. Too much sangria is what that was. I'm still thinking about, wondering if I have said anything to offend my friend and their faith. God, its that fact that I know I'm not amazing at reading social ques. I will most often miss the subtle nuances and not so subtle nuances of emotional expression. And only in words and conversation will I get a glimpse of something that might have gone awry. But I will come to that line of questioning when I see them next. Some people say it seems like I'm really getting shit done. And I guess I am, I have created a new website and blog. I finished my first commission piece. I started the process for getting my massage license. I finally got my new GA...

I know I have a, sort of, issue with reading situations. I don't know exactly what it would be called. I think I have maybe discussed it a little before. I have a hard time reading social cues. Sometimes I feel like people are playing games with me, and I have no idea what is actually going on. I can just tell that there is something going on. And I'm not so sure where it all comes from. I was sheltered pretty extremely growing up, this could have something to do with it. I also feel like I have some sort of mental social stigma. Conversations are a lot of times are treacherous for me.  I fumble over what I should say next.  A lot of times, I'm pondering what I might should say, as someone is talking to me. Not because I don't want to listen, or I just want to say what I want to say. I don't actually know what to say. I have a hard time pretending i'm interested, if I'm not interested. Ass hole, I know. But what am I getting at. Oh, so I get the se...