Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

 I graduated with honors, although I didn't hand in one homework assignment all year. The math teacher would give us the answers on the tests.  It was honestly a joke. And looking back, the entirety of my schooling was limited to a dogmatic perspective. Dinosaurs never existed.  The earth was 6,000 years old. Things that seem so insane to me now.  The highs school I graduated from lost their accreditation the next year.  At least I had a diploma that was somewhat valid.  In the Cult there was this idea that you should give God at least a year.  They really wanted the kids coming up to devote their lives to Jesus. And what that really meant was serving in some capacity in the church.  Be a pastor, a Bible school teacher, a youth minister. Anything really. So long as you didn't go out into the real world and start thinking for yourself. Can't have the devil getting a grip on you. They coaxed most kids to attend the Bible college for a year. Which wa...

 What was I to believe?  What was true anymore? The only thing I understood upon realizing the insanity of the cult I was raised in, was that I was lied to. I didn't know what was right anymore. The only truth there was for me was the truth of my experience.  And now with my new found freedom I would experience everything I was told was wrong and sinful. And at that, religion no longer had meaning.  I was lost, even when I thought I was found. I was told Jesus was my savior but as far as i could tell, He was my prison.  I must brake free. I must see the truth.  Little did I know I had been immersed in a truth that was just bastardize by a long history of influential men, dead set on controlling the masses. Breaking free from the chains of this dogma, I was out to find my own truth. Find what was real, what was right.  Fast forward through the years of hell, beyond the horizon of darkness when I started to see a glimmer of light. I had only amassed ques...

  I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Growing up how I did was quite extreme. And for a while after I got out I still held on to the idea that Christianity and church was the ideal. But I slowly started to realize that all the religions were saying the same thing and had the same overarching stories. So what was I to make of this. Was there really one righteous religion above the rest? Were all the religions true? Were they all just made up stories?  I went from believing Jesus was the son of God, to believing that we are all Gods in our own right. I was more agnostic. I began accumulating knowledge and realizations that started bringing me back to Christianity. And maybe its more accurate to say, bringing me back to Christ just from a whole new and different perspective.  Where I once learned to hate religion and believed it all to be a made up story just to control people. I began realizing that all my thoughts about religion over the years were true. Eve...

Today feels different. I feel hollow. Like a giant tree, but in the center is just a cavern full of echos and darkness. But it's a tree, so it feels homely still, even in the midst of the craziness.  Mostly I'm just tired of hiding. Hiding? Maybe more like lying. Yes, I have been lying to you. Most of you. Ok, pretty much all of you except a chosen few that made me feel comfortable enough that I didn't mind exploding my shit on them. It use to be worse. I can see it getting better externally. But there are still those moments where I feel a void of shit anger and angst and anxiety about what?.... I don't even know. If I had written this a year or two ago, you would see blood dripping from the moon as it fell like crimson honey to the earth below. I would stare up at the stars that I couldn't quite make out through the haze and drink in the madness. There were days where I could barely make myself crawl out of bed. The only reason I did was because in order t...