Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Lost Angels of Love, a continuation

I can't say for certain why I choose to write such things down. Some times I believe that it is because I enjoy revisiting the feelings of what it once was. Some times I feel that it helps me to come to terms with what I know is of a surety. Some times, there is no reason except, that I feel the urge and need to do so. It could be that it is all of these within the same reason. What ever the reason maybe, I do know, that in putting words to my anguish, my grief, my triumph, my passion, my never dying love for those that I truly fall in love with, it helps me to see things more clearly. In a sense get the thoughts that plague my mind, out of my head.

It happened quite suddenly. In a completely different way than my first experience with love. I had met her several years before, in the midst of my struggle with the repressed emotions of my first lost love. But even in that moment of time, there was something special, something invigoratingly different  about her. Different from all the other girls, than those that I was finding interest in. She was simple, bright in her complexion, which in my opinion stemmed from her undying perception of the beauty of life. Her smile, if every light in the universe were to be expelled, I know her smile alone would illuminate all that exists. She seemed shy, but most definitely wasn't. Reserved, I guess would be more appropriate. Care free, just down right gorgeous, yet, for some reason I never made a move on her as I would with the other girls. The only move I did make was to be real with her. Just simply, to have a conversation with this angel of a being. I didn't want anything more. Not because I was scared or nervous, but because deep down I knew I was not worthy of such a woman. The person that I was at that time, would not have been fair, or mindful of such a rare beauty of a flower. And that is what she was, a flower child, I think that is how she put it one time, and it made perfect sense. I get disappointed with myself when I can not remember with certainty such things.

Our interaction was minimal. We met in psychology class and talked on maybe a total of three occasions. And, that was it. I never saw her again, and we never chatted except for a random time or two over Facebook. A quick hello, and a general catch up on life, but nothing ever sparked. Just the illuminating remembrance of a beautiful woman with a captivating smile.

It was not until years later, about three to be exact. And not until I had fully, finally, let go of the love I once knew from four years before, that my interaction with this glory of a woman sparked an undying interest in my mind. A Facebook post about dance and poetry, and a couple days later we were talking about our passions. She had just fallen in love with dance. A way to express herself, a way to tell the story of her soul. Oh, how it made her come to life. Though she lived in Tennessee and I in California, I feel her energy of emotions that she put into her new found passion. Only a year before she was wishing she could be on the stage. And sure enough, she had done it. And this was just the beginning of my exploration of her mind. To see and feel passion so raw in the context of expressing ones soul, touches me at the center of who I am. It was my writing that she wanted to use for her dance project. I felt honored. Not only did she appreciate and understand what I wrote, but, wanted to use in such a way that I knew that it was exactly what it was written for. I slowly, with guarded mindfulness began to fall in love with her. Several time I thought to myself, I should not talk to her as often as was happening. What was to come of it? Living so far apart, there is no way anything would come of it. But this is where I can not control myself, and I do not want to control myself. This feeling of wonder and amazement, she was awe inspiring. And we were just having conversations about real life. For the next few months it was texting and phone conversations of our passions, our beliefs, our introspection and how we look to better ourselves. The things she helped bring to light in myself, no one could have ever done. And vise-versa, she described it as though I was peeling back layer after layer of her own self that she was even to scared to visit on her own. The ideas that she worked through and I was able to see her through them, blew my mind. Her acceptance and at least attempt to understand what I believed had me gasping for air. For, there are not many people that I personally know that would even be able to keep up with how I see the world, I think of only two at this moment. Her grasp of a reality beyond this one had me falling harder and harder into the pit of love. Her mind, simply her mind had me craving her every word. Everything about her screamed beauty and tenderness. Her eyes, though I have not yet even to this day had the pleasure of gazing in her eyes in person. Just the mere picture of her, and a glimpse into her eyes, sent me on an emotional trip of wonder. Such soft, caring, passion raged in her beautiful blue eyes. I will never forget how they seemed to beckon to me to jump through time and space and be next to her. Just to hold her hand would have been all I needed.

I had dreams about her. One dream I waited for her, just to see her and be with her. The next day I shocked her by guessing what she had been dreaming about. But for me this seemed to make sense, since I was there in her dream. The connection with her was boundless. I know that even now it surpasses time and space. One does not go through such an emotional connection on such a level, and it have nothing to do with the eternity of your souls. I could feel her, I could sense her. Her bad days, were my bad days. Her uneasiness in a situation I could feel inside of me. So much raw energy, so much synchronicity in who we were. It was the fate of time and space, it was the stars aligning to bring us together. I was certain of this. And in many ways, I still believe and know that I am right.

I realize now that there is not much more I can say about her. It was only a few months of deep conversations and funny bantering, late into the night, that drew me into the depths of her lovely demise. You may say, you only talked for a few months, you were not in love. Then I say to you, you do not understand the love that I seek, and the love that I know I feel. You see, for me it is a choice of feeling and a feeling of choice. The feeling comes and I make the choice, the choice comes and I fall into the feeling. They play hand in hand. This is why it will wreck me to my core when I lose at this game of love. For at the time of expressing how I feel, I have come to realize that I have already made the choice. And when it comes to making the choice, I realize that I have already fallen in love. I do not fall in love, and then make a choice. Likewise I do not make a choice and then fall in love. I simply love passionately with my entire being, because I choose to.

Had I known what was to follow I may have done things differently, I may have done them exactly as I did. Sometimes I want to scream, and sometimes I would like to run, and not stop until I fall flat on my face in the misery of my heartache.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

'Lost Angels of Love' (A Journey of Expression) -an excerpt-

Perhaps it was her sleek raven hair falling down her back, like a dark silk glistening in the moonlight. Or, maybe her eyes that pierced through my soul with a fiery passion, yet captivated me with soft illuminating emotion, that caused me to fall in love at first sight. It was as if I were dreaming. I felt captured in a world of euphoria . My first love. That should explain it enough. The passion I felt for her was unmovable,  so much so I can still feel it to this day. For a year she  was my queen, bringing me higher and higher in a whirlwind of emotion, that I can only describe as love. I was young and passionate and had yet to experience her touch. Let alone any other woman's passionate embrace. Perhaps I was just na├»ve, or, so caught up in the feeling of passionate emotion that all I wanted was for her to be happy. Religion was the crucifix of my innocence. Adhering to the laws and standards of Christianity is what kept us apart. Not on an intellectual level that had only lured me in more to her sweet demise, But , kept us apart from experiencing love on a natural level. Sure, we had kissed, to our demise had anyone found out. I can still remember the time like it was yesterday.
Chicago in the dead of winter is beyond freezing. The crisp air off lake Michigan brings its own rendition of holiday cheer. The unrelenting cold seems to act as a magnet for lovers and non-lovers alike. Holding each other closely, allowing your intense body head, which only derives from the passionate love you feel to warm each other.
I was a pure romantic back then. planning everything down to the minute detail. I had been saving my dimes to give my girl a night on the town like only a nineteen year old could. dressed up like Johnny cash, I took her to the swankiest place I knew. A Brazilian steakhouse, it was done up with class and made me feel the same way. From there we walked around the big bean, taking in the sites. holding hands, which insanely enough was one of the few moments we were able to do so. For fear of being caught and shunned, for it was against the religion to touch before marriage. Never the less. The moment was beautiful. lightly snowing, sitting on a bench that was sure to freeze our asses clean off, talking with no care in the world but for each other. Sitting there, half shivering, but completely warm from holding her close, a midst the whoreish cold. It was hard to even hold a conversation, all I wanted to do was kiss her. I felt myself just staring at her lips. So inviting, like a warm crimson rose alone in a crisp cool field of lavender. My heart was pounding. from the pure nervousness of it. I did not move in for it. Fuck, never fear, the evening was not over.
I don't even remember what the movie was. It does not matter, I was in no way paying attention. Fish, That's all I remember. There were fish under water, and they, along with the man and his son to the right. were the sole witnesses of our, first kiss. There had never been a feeling like this before. Sure, I had kissed my first girlfriend and experienced my first kiss with her. But this, this was liberating, invigorating, and almost more than I could process. It was euphorically tender, sweet and soft. The taste of her lips caressed my passion, as the touch of her affection inspired a moment of complete inebriation of the senses. Lost in this world of purity and deep exhilaration, I never wanted to leave. But, my greatest fear would become my treachery.....

As the fleeting months whirred by, the distance of thousands of miles between us seemed not to affect our love in any negative light. Talking on the phone every night for hours only strengthened my affection for her beyond any feeling I had ever felt. Her voice became my addiction. Sweet and soft with a tender rasp, gently soothing with the purity of a southern accent. Imagining her beautiful lips move, smiling, as the conversations twisted and turned with random bantering. Which, always was the highlight of my day. A laugh, a joke, a serious word stemming from a day full of thought, ever anticipating what her answer might be. Never even the slightest thought of letting her go. The miles between us might have thought they could break us, or torn us apart like the wind might blow a leaf from the strongest tree. But our immortal connection was far greater than a million lifetimes of loving could conjure. Or so it is, that is how I felt. 

July brought on a whirlwind of thought like nothing I could have imagined. But it was my love for her, that my understanding for that fateful conversation was born out of. I wanted what she wanted. Nothing less, but always aspiring to give more. The call came in the afternoon. Little did I know, this particular afternoon contained the spark of a destructive self discovery. A taste of a freedom I had only heard of. Only seen from a far, through the lens of a disillusioned sheltered life.

The phone rang and upon seeing her name my heart skipped a million beats. 

"Hey you!!" The phone had barely begun to ring before I swiftly answered.

"Heeeeey." Came the sweet voice through the phone like only she could say it. 

All smiles, I was beaming. "Whats going on? How you doing?"

"I'm doing fine. How are you?" Her southern accent and slight rasp was enough to melt all the snow in the Rockies. Small talk was cut short as she got right to the point. One of the many reason why I was lured in to her loveliness. Speaking her mind, not in a demeaning manner. But, always with purpose and poise. 

"Soooo, I need to tell you something. And, just hear me out before you say anything." She said with a tinge of nervousness, but ever so rigidly.

"Ok?" The first moment of slight confusion started settling in. Hanging on to every word to hear what was so important.

"So, you know your my first boyfriend and all. And I know how I feel about you and how you feel about me. But I have been thinking and I just want to be absolutely sure about us." A slight pause.

"Ok, so what are you saying?" I replied very gently and tenderly.

"I want to take a break, just for a little bit. I'm not saying that I want to date anyone else I just want to be sure about us. Maybe just talk to other people. I just need to know for sure about us." She said very thoughtfully.

I surprisingly was not angry. Upset yes. But why would I not want her to be sure. This was not a game for her. Not a way of easing out of what we were or had. Her feelings were true and pure as were mine. And maybe it was odd, the fact that I seemed to understand what she was saying. But, I do not think so. The feelings I felt for her overrode any negativity of selfishness I could have felt at that moment. 

"I can understand that. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to talk to anyone else. I want you, and that is it, nothing more." I had no doubt of my longing desire to have her for ever.

The conversation ended just as quickly as it began. Agreeing not to contact each other, for the sake of her finding surety in us, and the profound powerful connection that we shared.

July was not over. And, it would not be until August that I would see my fading love. I felt as though the world were tearing me apart from the inside. As though my soul were burning me alive with a fervor of a thousand screams. Part of me, yes understood where she was coming from. But the darkness in me cried for retribution. What was to come of this moment of utter destruction? What was to come of me, being ripped from the purity of my emotions? Only the sun, coming and going tracking time, to the beat of a shattered heart would tell...

That month which changed everything about me, was spent exploring, experiencing life in a way I had never even dared to consider. I was that way though. Perhaps it was that pent up feeling. That, only grew stronger and stronger over the years of being sheltered from what I was told to be an evil dark world, full of sin and hate. That feeling, born of desire, driven by a lack of understanding, that welled up inside of me at the confrontation of this new found freedom. That freedom which allowed me to make a decision based solely on my innate desires, without the overwhelming influence to please this person, or attempt to not disappoint that person. Such a false way of living, which only drains a person. 

I did keep my promise. When I said I was not going to talk to anyone else, I meant it. I kept myself to exploring those vices that I heard preached against my entire life. Had my first beer, if I'm being honest it was quite gross. Partook of that "gateway drug" marijuana, which sadly did not take an effect on me at that time. But non the less, I was able to experience it for myself. Which is what I believe life is about, experiences. It was not the individual moments of being able to indulge, without the fear of who I may disappoint. But, the potential for where I saw it taking me. I could do anything. I could experience anything. I wanted to feel it all. That fateful conversation just weeks before was not just about feeling loss, but also a new path to discover who I am. Though I did not see it as such then. I saw it as a door being left wide open and the only way to go through it was to dive head long. To feel the rush of everything I had been shackled from for so long. 

August was here and I knew who I would see soon. My love had contacted me before she moved to Chicago, but it was through text to ask about some gossip. I had run into a gentleman that I knew was interested in her from before I knew her. I politely introduced myself as the one with, well at this moment, not with our common interest. Seeing how that is the only way he would know who I was. It was the truth, I was not playing games and as far as I knew, we were not together, on account of her choice, not mine. She asked if this was true. What of it anyway!? Why did it matter!? Was I supposed to lie, completely ignore our situation? The darkness inside me had been festering and I did not even realize it. I was so guarded and cold, it had crept in like a slow trickle of water that grows and grows into a mighty river giving no care to the path that it decimates. I wouldn't say I was, at that time, at the point of subtle rage. But the fear, which I had yet to identify was most definitely present. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to such agony again. I was becoming rigid and hardened to anything that was love.

Shortly after her arrival, she of course wanted to talk. Understandably so, but I was not looking forward to it. I already knew my decision. It was not based on emotion at that point. It was based on a systematic evaluation of the path that she was on, and the path that I was on. She was still into the whole religious aspect of Christianity, I on the other hand was far from interested in it anymore. Her family had high standards of living, I did not anymore. I could only see that life needed to be experienced for myself, and I knew that even if she tried, she was not going to be able to change my mind on the matter. And I dead sure did not want to bring her down with me. For that was inevitably what I was doing, heading down a path that I knew nothing of, except the fact that I was told to keep away from this path ever since I was a child.

Our meeting was more than dismal. It hurt. But, I knew what needed to be done. She tried to convince me that it was not up to her family who she wanted to be with. This was her argument, when I asked what her father would say if I walked up to him and told him with complete honesty the standard of living that I had chosen. She became angry with me when I mentioned that I felt I had wasted a year of my life at the Christian college that we had planned to both attend together. I was a year ahead of her and had hated almost every moment of being there the past year. This she did not understand, which only gave me more security in the decision I was making. 

The love of my life. The most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. And I had to say goodbye to her. I should have been more sad but my heart had become so black from fighting those feelings that only she could bring out in me. I did not want to feel that anymore. I did not want to hurt like I was hurting. But yet I still held on to the image of her, the essence of who she was. For years I held on to the idea that one day fate would bring us back together. That we would lead our separate paths and one day find ourselves staring at each other at a cross roads, ready to pick up where we left off. There was one such moment in time, several years later where my hopes seemed to come to fruition. But, the threads of time seemed to know better and my hopes were once again lost. To this day there has been none to bring forth those feelings that I felt back then. At times when I catch my mind wandering back to those days of youthful innocence I can still feel that longing desire, that lost love. My angel, my kryptonite, you taught me more than words can express. And its upon looking back that I can learn from the person that you are. Thank you for your unfettered love. No matter where time and space takes you, I will never cease to love you.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

"Code Red" (continued)


He had to do something he didn't want to do. But that does not mean he would not readily and willingly accept the outcome. Its the how to get it done he wasn't too keen on. Drinking his beer pondering the task at hand, and just like that he snapped himself out of it. No point in thinking about it right now. It was sure to happen so why not just go with it. Taking time to plan out the more important details of course.

He could feel it coming on. That feeling in his gut ever so slowly growing more and more intense. Leaving him with almost absolute emptiness. Not scared in anyway, just slightly paranoid about something going wrong.Which is a delusional thought, because it only leads to bigger and worse thought patterns. Which, you and only you are projecting outwardly constantly. So, it manifests. You must crucify this treacherous unproductive way of thinking at the source, before it gains strength. Its no way for a man to live. Bound by his fear of fear itself. A shallow, darkening, vortex pattern of thinking. That leads you to no where, but no satisfaction and death.

Today was preparation. He would be on the go for quite some time, and may have to kick it rugged for a couple weeks or so. Didn't know exactly what the future had in store but he figured he should be just a little extra prepared. Careful not to add too much, so as to keep the weight down.

It was going to be a cold trip. Time to say good by to sweet Dubai. He was going to miss this place. Not as much as Australia or New Zealand Mainly for the women, and can't forget surfing and some of the best snowboarding in the world. But, Dubai had other interests to offer. Which was good for a while but it was time to move on. See the world in a different light, and experience something he never could have imagined.

He was prepared though. For the past three months he had been preparing with a constant nudge in the back of his mind keeping him motivated to stay at the top of his game physically and mentally. It was time. Just one more stop before he would most likely be gone for a very long time. He had to say goodbye to someone. Driving through a small sand storm watching people act as though it were just another rainy day never ceased to amaze him. It would be done with before they ever arrived.

His driver Nicolai was his right hand man. Always there, wither you saw him or not. Watching, waiting for anyone to make a wrong move. He is good at his work. Its what he does. 

"Code Red"

The moon light was falling, gently, so silently if you listened close enough you could hear the almost in-audible  rumble of a heart, preparing for an exertion of energy. This heart, so light with freedom of will and natural beauty, had a secret. Remarkably similar to a "little white lie", but far more serious in nature and much more cunning in it's ways of romance. Finding its way in, unnoticed by the damned.

He stood alone atop the pent house suite, in the heart of downtown Dubai. Gazing over miles of  dense white sand. Below him the city was illuminated like a carnival of stars, in the clearest blue pond. He stood tall, firm and very rigid, almost stoic in pose. Completely lost in a trippy world of thought. Normally about this time in the evening is when it begins. A hard day of work dealing with mundane banalities, which ironically enough is what affords him the life he lives. A gentle flic of his thumb to bring fire to life with the green lighter. A cherried ember at the end of his one hitter and a soft inhalation starts bringing him a soothing sensation across his chest. Relaxing more and more as the feeling crept through his bones. Then the head would get lighter and lighter as if to be more clairvoyant in a way. Sometimes choosing a thought, others they just come all of the sudden. But inevitably a winding vortex of incessant mind bantering leading to one of two things. A self revealed truth about himself he never knew, or; lacked the awareness to see, comes to light. Or secondly, nowhere. But in either case it always is amusing to him.

Such was tonight as he stood there tanning under the moon letting the crisp, night, desert wind wisp at his nips. Another hit would suffice. He was feeling adventurous tonight. Laying back on the hammock he abruptly found himself in an airport.

"What the hell am I doing here?" he wondered. Staring off blankly across the city. "Do I wanna do this? I'm pretty high, why not." And that was the answer she had been looking for. Waiting for that right moment to strike.

Sitting with a leg crossed, he wasn't really thinking about the flight or anything for that matter. When appeared in front of him a little girl. "Are you a spy?" came out abruptly.
 Oddest of questions  he thought. At first he almost strait up said no. But he caught himself. "You do realize that a spy can not tell you that right? So if you want to know if I'm a spy or not you  have to ask me a way that a spy can answer." Eloquently said with a mysterious smirk across his face. As he turned his head and acted as though no one were there.
 "The code word is blue." She whispered, hand cupped no where near her mouth, and also loud enough I'm sure the other spies heard.  "Hello good sir."
 It was a noble voice with an English accent that beckoned my attention. Upon turning my head and noticing the young lady in front of me, I made haste with the ascent to my feet. "And good evening madda'm. The stars shine so bright on this evening.

"Simply gorgeous" was the reply.

"What brings you to this side of the world ma lady?" Turning to face her.

"Blue."

The look on her face was blank. But stuck in what was assumed to be her English facial expression, which undoubtedly is what aloud her to speak as such. Staring strait through him waiting for a reply.
Fishing for something to say it came to him. Bending down closer to her ear so no one else could hear.  Clearing his throat and looking her square in the eye. He turned his head.

 "The code word is red."

 Immediately standing up strait, grabbing his bags, without so much as a glance back he walked away. Passing the assumed parents, he said just loud enough for them to hear.

 " The code word is red."

 And he walked off, trying desperately not to burst out laughing.

He felt himself rocking in the hammock. He needed this. He wasn't going to have too many more of these type of nights for a while. Tomorrow starts the big gig. The biggest one of his life, and if things go according to plan, the last of his life also. Time to hit the hay. He was going to need the rest.