Sunday, March 16, 2014

'Lost Angels of Love' (A Journey of Expression) -an excerpt-

Perhaps it was her sleek raven hair falling down her back, like a dark silk glistening in the moonlight. Or, maybe her eyes that pierced through my soul with a fiery passion, yet captivated me with soft illuminating emotion, that caused me to fall in love at first sight. It was as if I were dreaming. I felt captured in a world of euphoria . My first love. That should explain it enough. The passion I felt for her was unmovable,  so much so I can still feel it to this day. For a year she  was my queen, bringing me higher and higher in a whirlwind of emotion, that I can only describe as love. I was young and passionate and had yet to experience her touch. Let alone any other woman's passionate embrace. Perhaps I was just naïve, or, so caught up in the feeling of passionate emotion that all I wanted was for her to be happy. Religion was the crucifix of my innocence. Adhering to the laws and standards of Christianity is what kept us apart. Not on an intellectual level that had only lured me in more to her sweet demise, But , kept us apart from experiencing love on a natural level. Sure, we had kissed, to our demise had anyone found out. I can still remember the time like it was yesterday.
Chicago in the dead of winter is beyond freezing. The crisp air off lake Michigan brings its own rendition of holiday cheer. The unrelenting cold seems to act as a magnet for lovers and non-lovers alike. Holding each other closely, allowing your intense body head, which only derives from the passionate love you feel to warm each other.
I was a pure romantic back then. planning everything down to the minute detail. I had been saving my dimes to give my girl a night on the town like only a nineteen year old could. dressed up like Johnny cash, I took her to the swankiest place I knew. A Brazilian steakhouse, it was done up with class and made me feel the same way. From there we walked around the big bean, taking in the sites. holding hands, which insanely enough was one of the few moments we were able to do so. For fear of being caught and shunned, for it was against the religion to touch before marriage. Never the less. The moment was beautiful. lightly snowing, sitting on a bench that was sure to freeze our asses clean off, talking with no care in the world but for each other. Sitting there, half shivering, but completely warm from holding her close, a midst the whoreish cold. It was hard to even hold a conversation, all I wanted to do was kiss her. I felt myself just staring at her lips. So inviting, like a warm crimson rose alone in a crisp cool field of lavender. My heart was pounding. from the pure nervousness of it. I did not move in for it. Fuck, never fear, the evening was not over.
I don't even remember what the movie was. It does not matter, I was in no way paying attention. Fish, That's all I remember. There were fish under water, and they, along with the man and his son to the right. were the sole witnesses of our, first kiss. There had never been a feeling like this before. Sure, I had kissed my first girlfriend and experienced my first kiss with her. But this, this was liberating, invigorating, and almost more than I could process. It was euphorically tender, sweet and soft. The taste of her lips caressed my passion, as the touch of her affection inspired a moment of complete inebriation of the senses. Lost in this world of purity and deep exhilaration, I never wanted to leave. But, my greatest fear would become my treachery.....

As the fleeting months whirred by, the distance of thousands of miles between us seemed not to affect our love in any negative light. Talking on the phone every night for hours only strengthened my affection for her beyond any feeling I had ever felt. Her voice became my addiction. Sweet and soft with a tender rasp, gently soothing with the purity of a southern accent. Imagining her beautiful lips move, smiling, as the conversations twisted and turned with random bantering. Which, always was the highlight of my day. A laugh, a joke, a serious word stemming from a day full of thought, ever anticipating what her answer might be. Never even the slightest thought of letting her go. The miles between us might have thought they could break us, or torn us apart like the wind might blow a leaf from the strongest tree. But our immortal connection was far greater than a million lifetimes of loving could conjure. Or so it is, that is how I felt. 

July brought on a whirlwind of thought like nothing I could have imagined. But it was my love for her, that my understanding for that fateful conversation was born out of. I wanted what she wanted. Nothing less, but always aspiring to give more. The call came in the afternoon. Little did I know, this particular afternoon contained the spark of a destructive self discovery. A taste of a freedom I had only heard of. Only seen from a far, through the lens of a disillusioned sheltered life.

The phone rang and upon seeing her name my heart skipped a million beats. 

"Hey you!!" The phone had barely begun to ring before I swiftly answered.

"Heeeeey." Came the sweet voice through the phone like only she could say it. 

All smiles, I was beaming. "Whats going on? How you doing?"

"I'm doing fine. How are you?" Her southern accent and slight rasp was enough to melt all the snow in the Rockies. Small talk was cut short as she got right to the point. One of the many reason why I was lured in to her loveliness. Speaking her mind, not in a demeaning manner. But, always with purpose and poise. 

"Soooo, I need to tell you something. And, just hear me out before you say anything." She said with a tinge of nervousness, but ever so rigidly.

"Ok?" The first moment of slight confusion started settling in. Hanging on to every word to hear what was so important.

"So, you know your my first boyfriend and all. And I know how I feel about you and how you feel about me. But I have been thinking and I just want to be absolutely sure about us." A slight pause.

"Ok, so what are you saying?" I replied very gently and tenderly.

"I want to take a break, just for a little bit. I'm not saying that I want to date anyone else I just want to be sure about us. Maybe just talk to other people. I just need to know for sure about us." She said very thoughtfully.

I surprisingly was not angry. Upset yes. But why would I not want her to be sure. This was not a game for her. Not a way of easing out of what we were or had. Her feelings were true and pure as were mine. And maybe it was odd, the fact that I seemed to understand what she was saying. But, I do not think so. The feelings I felt for her overrode any negativity of selfishness I could have felt at that moment. 

"I can understand that. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to talk to anyone else. I want you, and that is it, nothing more." I had no doubt of my longing desire to have her for ever.

The conversation ended just as quickly as it began. Agreeing not to contact each other, for the sake of her finding surety in us, and the profound powerful connection that we shared.

July was not over. And, it would not be until August that I would see my fading love. I felt as though the world were tearing me apart from the inside. As though my soul were burning me alive with a fervor of a thousand screams. Part of me, yes understood where she was coming from. But the darkness in me cried for retribution. What was to come of this moment of utter destruction? What was to come of me, being ripped from the purity of my emotions? Only the sun, coming and going tracking time, to the beat of a shattered heart would tell...

That month which changed everything about me, was spent exploring, experiencing life in a way I had never even dared to consider. I was that way though. Perhaps it was that pent up feeling. That, only grew stronger and stronger over the years of being sheltered from what I was told to be an evil dark world, full of sin and hate. That feeling, born of desire, driven by a lack of understanding, that welled up inside of me at the confrontation of this new found freedom. That freedom which allowed me to make a decision based solely on my innate desires, without the overwhelming influence to please this person, or attempt to not disappoint that person. Such a false way of living, which only drains a person. 

I did keep my promise. When I said I was not going to talk to anyone else, I meant it. I kept myself to exploring those vices that I heard preached against my entire life. Had my first beer, if I'm being honest it was quite gross. Partook of that "gateway drug" marijuana, which sadly did not take an effect on me at that time. But non the less, I was able to experience it for myself. Which is what I believe life is about, experiences. It was not the individual moments of being able to indulge, without the fear of who I may disappoint. But, the potential for where I saw it taking me. I could do anything. I could experience anything. I wanted to feel it all. That fateful conversation just weeks before was not just about feeling loss, but also a new path to discover who I am. Though I did not see it as such then. I saw it as a door being left wide open and the only way to go through it was to dive head long. To feel the rush of everything I had been shackled from for so long. 

August was here and I knew who I would see soon. My love had contacted me before she moved to Chicago, but it was through text to ask about some gossip. I had run into a gentleman that I knew was interested in her from before I knew her. I politely introduced myself as the one with, well at this moment, not with our common interest. Seeing how that is the only way he would know who I was. It was the truth, I was not playing games and as far as I knew, we were not together, on account of her choice, not mine. She asked if this was true. What of it anyway!? Why did it matter!? Was I supposed to lie, completely ignore our situation? The darkness inside me had been festering and I did not even realize it. I was so guarded and cold, it had crept in like a slow trickle of water that grows and grows into a mighty river giving no care to the path that it decimates. I wouldn't say I was, at that time, at the point of subtle rage. But the fear, which I had yet to identify was most definitely present. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to such agony again. I was becoming rigid and hardened to anything that was love.

Shortly after her arrival, she of course wanted to talk. Understandably so, but I was not looking forward to it. I already knew my decision. It was not based on emotion at that point. It was based on a systematic evaluation of the path that she was on, and the path that I was on. She was still into the whole religious aspect of Christianity, I on the other hand was far from interested in it anymore. Her family had high standards of living, I did not anymore. I could only see that life needed to be experienced for myself, and I knew that even if she tried, she was not going to be able to change my mind on the matter. And I dead sure did not want to bring her down with me. For that was inevitably what I was doing, heading down a path that I knew nothing of, except the fact that I was told to keep away from this path ever since I was a child.

Our meeting was more than dismal. It hurt. But, I knew what needed to be done. She tried to convince me that it was not up to her family who she wanted to be with. This was her argument, when I asked what her father would say if I walked up to him and told him with complete honesty the standard of living that I had chosen. She became angry with me when I mentioned that I felt I had wasted a year of my life at the Christian college that we had planned to both attend together. I was a year ahead of her and had hated almost every moment of being there the past year. This she did not understand, which only gave me more security in the decision I was making. 

The love of my life. The most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. And I had to say goodbye to her. I should have been more sad but my heart had become so black from fighting those feelings that only she could bring out in me. I did not want to feel that anymore. I did not want to hurt like I was hurting. But yet I still held on to the image of her, the essence of who she was. For years I held on to the idea that one day fate would bring us back together. That we would lead our separate paths and one day find ourselves staring at each other at a cross roads, ready to pick up where we left off. There was one such moment in time, several years later where my hopes seemed to come to fruition. But, the threads of time seemed to know better and my hopes were once again lost. To this day there has been none to bring forth those feelings that I felt back then. At times when I catch my mind wandering back to those days of youthful innocence I can still feel that longing desire, that lost love. My angel, my kryptonite, you taught me more than words can express. And its upon looking back that I can learn from the person that you are. Thank you for your unfettered love. No matter where time and space takes you, I will never cease to love you.

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