Cult: The Escape (pt. 2)

 I graduated with honors, although I didn't hand in one homework assignment all year. The math teacher would give us the answers on the tests. 

It was honestly a joke. And looking back, the entirety of my schooling was limited to a dogmatic perspective.

Dinosaurs never existed. 

The earth was 6,000 years old.

Things that seem so insane to me now. 

The highs school I graduated from lost their accreditation the next year. 

At least I had a diploma that was somewhat valid. 

In the Cult there was this idea that you should give God at least a year. 

They really wanted the kids coming up to devote their lives to Jesus. And what that really meant was serving in some capacity in the church. 

Be a pastor, a Bible school teacher, a youth minister. Anything really. So long as you didn't go out into the real world and start thinking for yourself. Can't have the devil getting a grip on you.

They coaxed most kids to attend the Bible college for a year. Which was a pretty penny. 

I honestly don't know of many who opted out of Bible college, who made it through a secular school. I would assume the number to be quite low. 

I was sold on it before I left that year my parents divorced. My youth pastor at the time got me to promise to come back. Which, by the time it came to head up there I can remember thinking I wished I hand't promised. But I pride myself on being a man of my word. So I decided to go back. 

I was excited to see friends. And at that point I had begun talking to a lovely lady I had a crush on for years. And the plan was that she would attend the Bible college the next year. 

Unfortunately, I didn't even make it through the year. 

Upon arrival I began to notice the change in attitudes. This place I had grown up in. No longer felt like home. 

I was only gone for a year and it wasn't even my fault. Out of my control really. Even though I did the convincing to mom, to move to Georgia. Still, it was the judgments I knew I would feel.

And I wasn't wrong. 

One person, my piano teacher actually, said some condescending shit about my dad. I guess they surmised it was Dad who initiated the split. 

But who the fuck are you? Talking to me with condescension. Worst piano teacher ever by the way. Still bitter about this one.

But I was progressing, really, really well. skipping whole levels in the lesson books. Getting into classical styles. And then they thought it was a great idea to just make me play hymn songs. 

I'm not even exaggerating. Hymn songs and hymn songs only was my practice homework. 5 years of piano lessons down the drain. I learned to despise and hate piano.

I remember the moment I turned around to look at my mom after months of complaining about how boring it was, I said, and I quote.

"I hate piano, I never want to play again."

She asked me to give it one more year. And a year to the day. I stopped abruptly. Now I wish things were different in that department. But seriously, who wants to play 4:4 hymn songs all the time. 

Nobody cares! Its boring as fuck! Who in their right mind?? And that's thing, these people weren't' in their right mind.

Any who, back to college. 

I wanted to stay with some family friends. I figured since I grew up there, since I was essentially part of the church family, I would be able to. But no, its like I had never been a part of that community. I was an outsider, all because I went through a situation that was so abhorrent against God. Even though it wasn't my fault. How could they treat me with love and understanding. 

This is not the way.

Only preachers kids and missionary's kids were allowed to live rent free at church members houses. That's fine. But that was the start of my distaste. 

It was the same thing as grade school. All day every day. Saturday visiting all day, Church all day Sunday and Wednesday. If you worked, you were excused from Wednesday service. 

I had a second shift job at a machine shop making industrial trailers. 

The way these dudes at work would talk, was so foreign to me. The things they would say were so odd. Id never heard anyone talk like this. 

Sufficed to say, I learned a lot about the real world working in that warehouse. 

Evil things started to peak my interest. 

But I was till bought in to a degree. 

I mentioned I was talking to my 5 year crush. Long distance. But it got to the point of talking about marriage. 

This is the main reason I was still bought into the idea of leading a Christian life. 

The school year wasn't all bad. I made some life long friends. We were all on the fence together. 

I got in trouble for something. I can't even remember for what. Probably got caught coming in late one night. Or didn't show up to class. What ever the reason was, I wasn't allowed to go to the college activity. 

No big deal. It was bowling or looking at Christmas lights anyway. Just some boring, courtship sanctioned activity for everyone to fawn over each other with googly eyes in the presence of the staff. 

You weren't allowed to date. And if you wanted to "court" someone you had to get permission. 

20 years old. Supporting yourself, living on your own, and you have to get permission from your college professor to talk to someone and get to know them!! 

I was starting to think for myself, and it wasn't good.

Anyways, I wasn't allowed to go look at Christmas light. So I snuck out and went to a movie instead. Honestly it wasn't even about the movie, it was the excitement of being able to go to ta theater and potentially getting in trouble for it. 

But I loved the alone time. Anything to get away from the oppressive State of Jesus. 

If it wasn't for my family friends, one of two family's who didn't judge me. I don't think I would have made it as long. They were the sanctuary from the prison. If you knew, you knew. 

I would check out of college to "do laundry" and stay hours at my friends house. watch movies, play games.

Sometimes I had "over time" at work. As long as you had a plausible reason for not being in the college building they wouldn't ask questions. But God forbid you are one minute late past curfew. Written up, and demerits. 

Slowly I started losing interest. I was looking forward to finishing the year out. And then staying at my friends for cheap rent and figuring out my next moves. At that point, wait for my girlfriend to arrive to college and go on from there. 

Never made it that far.

My last straw came around mothers day. 

I filled out the proper paperwork to get permission to leave for the weekend. I was going to surprise my mother for mothers day. I thought she would love it, and I was excited to go back for a visit. 

To my surprise, they denied my request. I thought it was a mistake. So I talked to the college president, who happen to be my old grade school principal. 

I explained I wanted to surprise my MOTHER for MOTHERS day. Seemed like a no brainer. But the request was still denied.

Why?

The college choir was singing a mothers day special on that Sunday, and everyone needed to be there.

...

...

I calmly explained. Respectfully.

"Well, I'm just letting you know, I'm not going to be here. I feel its more important to visit my mother than be here for the choir."

That's when the threat of all my credits being taken away came up, and I would have to do the whole freshman year over again. 

Which is utterly insane. I figured there would be punishment, but to take away all my credits, that I had paid for, and worked for, cause you want me to sing to someone else's mother!!! 

NOPE!

And that was that. I went and saw my mom for mothers day. 

I happily dropped out weeks before the year ended. 

Moved into my friends house and was the happiest camper I could be. 

I was done with the pursuit of ministry and being crazy about church. But I was still holding on too some of the standards. I still had a sense of following Christ. 

But it was only the beginning of summer. 

I worked mostly. Hung out with friends, didn't get into any trouble. 

Still talking to this lovely lady, I had fallen head over heels for. And it was a month before she was supposed to come to the college.

The idea was that we would court. But even then I knew it would be an issue, since I was now fully labeled as one of the bad ones. 

Because I wasn't in college, my friends still in college weren't allowed to hang out with me. This was one of the rules. College kids were not allowed to socialize with the other college age kids in the church who were not in the school. 

If they did, they got in trouble. Written up, demerits, what ever it was.

So I had already started to asses the situation with dating, I mean courting, even if I didn't fully realize what it all meant. 

Then there was a conversation that changed it all. I was her first serious boy friend, and she wanted to be absolutely sure about us, since we were talking pretty serious. So she wanted a break.

I didn't understand this request. I said I was absolutely sure, but if this is what you want then sure. Lets take a break. 

That was the move that did it. 

I all the sudden felt this sense of freedom. I figured I would try the random things I wasn't supposed to, during the break. 

You know, just get a taste for it, and truly understand why its sinful and never go back to it.

How laughable!

I drank my first beer. It was gross, but felt really really good.

I smoked weed for the first time. Didn't' get high, but the idea was pretty cool and it was a fun social experience in a different type of situation than I had ever experienced.

I went to my first concert; Journey. Had my first vodka cranberry, it wasn't that good, but damn that was a fun time. 

I had already been listening to all the music I wasn't supposed to. 

I realized that this relationship with a lady, who was still interested in serving Jesus, was not going to work. 

I was too far gone. I had a taste of the devils medicine and I consciously made a decision that I wanted to experience everything I was told was sinful. 

So much for sheltering me. 

I broke up with this girl I had fallen in love with. I really didn't want to. I just knew, even then, that if I didn't, I would either influence her to turn away from Jesus, or the relationship would end horribly. 

Looking back, that was a pretty wise thought process on my part. And even though I still think about the feelings I felt back then for her, I know I made the right choice.

And that was that. I had reached the edge of the cliff. 

Fueled with hatred for the cult I grew up in, and a longing for my lost love. I would set out on an experience fueled existence for the next few years. 

I had to know what I had been missing. 

I had obviously been lied to. 

I had to find out the truth for myself. 

The hypocrisy, the judgment, that wasn't truth. 

I would figure it out. And along the way I would experience everything I could. 

A recipe for disaster...

(to be cont.).....