From Moral Superiority, To Grounded Beliefs

I've realized just how much I adopted other people's opinions as my own.

Social issues played on my emotions and lured me in with a moral superiority. 

I care about the world and the people in it. I care about fairness and whats truly right. 

I couldn't tell you anything about what I believed though. I was banking on other people to be able to do that. The ones that had fed me this morally righteous information, they knew what they were talking about. Because it was the right thing to think. It was based on thinking of others and not myself. 

It was a more inclusive view of the world.  It had to be right. 

Then I had a brilliant thought. I need to be able to actually defend my belief. Otherwise, what good is the belief.

And that's where I went wrong. I should never of taken responsibility for my thoughts and beliefs. 

If I had just stayed dogmatic about my world view I would never have turned into Alice going down the rabbit hole, finding my way through Wonderland. 

Only in this case it was Ideology-land. 

I could have stayed in the real world where people care about people and all my ideologue friends backed me up on what I believed, because they believed the same thing. 

We were all righteous together and that felt good. 

But here I was, exercising that mode of self thought. 

I was determined to be able to have intelligent, informed conversations about what I believe.

I was really going to be able to talk about all the sticky issues and understand the information.

I should have stayed ignorant. I should have just kept repeating talking points and using ideological videos that prove my world view. I should have maintained other peoples opinions. 

Because now I can't go back.  

I'm stuck. Stuck in a world full of dreamers.  

And I can't get mad. I've been there. I was that dreamer. 

I'm just annoyed now. 

Its true karma. To receive the energy I put out. 

I was the the dreamer. blissful in my sleep. All the righteous ideas made sense in the world of moral superiority. 

It was easy to see where others were wrong and I was right. 

Now I see where I was wrong and my thoughts weren't mine. 

I forget how abhorrent my own thoughts are. I forget that my reasoning is racist or misogynistic. 

I can't even show an inkling of conservatism without the worried looks and trigger words being thrown out.

"You know that platform is racist right!"

"They have horrible journalistic practices!"

Now its int their brains that I might actually be a bad person.

But they know me. How could I be so wrong to adopt beliefs that align with racists?

I ask, why they think these people are racist?

"Oh, Ill have to send you this video. Its two hours long, I don't want to do that to you."

I can't be mad. That was me. 

Only difference between me then and now, I question everything. I take time to go down the rabbit hole and asses the information. 

I formulate my own opinion. 

And I know that there is no point in spreading my message of informed understanding. 

We all have our thoughts whether they are our own or not. But they are ours none the less, and attempting to set the world right by proclaiming my righteousness just brings me back to square one. 

I'm already dealing with the karma of my former years. I don't want to start that cycle over again. 

But I can ask questions when they become pertinent. 

I will ask for that two hour video. 

I am curious. And maybe they know something I don't. But as it stands to reason, most likely not. 

It was an emotional response. Adopted from some other persons opinion. 

I can't change other people. And I can't be changed. 

I can only change myself. And that I have. 

The more I think freely, the more I feel alienated. 

And that's ok. 

I would rather feel alienated on a foundation of my own thoughts and beliefs. Then morally agreeable, supported by someone else's  opinion.