Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

Changing a paradigm takes whit and finesse. Or maybe you would rather wait for your reality to implode on itself, for you to realize that it is time to create a new one. Its all about what we focus on. And this is where it gets tricky. Because we all lie to ourselves. We say we are bringing awareness to the treachery, But really we are just caught in the same cycle of bull shit. We speak words of discontent, we put down the other in the name of our right. For what? So that those who align with our thoughts cheer us on, and those that don't align with our thought get angry at us? This does nothing. And talking shit about Trump, or Hilary, or this business or that bunisness, or this religion or that religion or this person or that person, does fucking nothing!! Literally nothing but continue the cycle of bull shit. Its simple really. Fear. That is your cause. You fear what you cannot control. You fear what you do not understand. And though you know

I kept hearing things this past weekend. You know when something strikes you. I would hear someone say something and, though it was a nonchalant off handed statement. I would hear it on another level. The whole weekend was geared towards changing my paradigm for the most part. And I felt the shift happen, and then it took a few days for everything to assimilate. I think it might be another day or two before I am completely in tune with it. But I realized a few things. I can create what I want now, where I am now. I find myself in this limbo state of wishing for something when I can create it right here. For instance. I don't have my own space as far as living on my own is concerned. So I get stuck in wishing for a place of my own. When I could just utilize the space I do have and make it my own. So I will be revamping my room to make it more of my own. It doesn't matter when I decide to move out, I just need to do whats good for me. Also I haven't been

Its been a crazy trip really. Amazing at every turn. A bit surreal almost. Connected with people I haven't seen a while. Lake Geneva day was beautiful and full of nuances of heart and head I guess. I started having thoughts about moving again. Moving to Chicago Moving to Colorado. At this point I'm confident I can make it happen anywhere I go. So the question I find myself asking is where would I be most productive and happy. I start looking for hippie vibe. Yoga, massage, outdoors things. Chicago sounds nice, and I think it would be fun, but really I feel like it would be more of the same like Atlanta. Being around family but never seeing them cause we are all busy and doing our own thing. And at that, the outdoors stuff is even more minimal. The buzz of hustle and bustle I think would start to get to me. And its pretty much the same price as living on my own in Atlanta. So then i think of Colorado or Utah where there is more of my people and vibe there.

I sat in silence/meditated for a few minutes the other day and found myself tired. I also had a thought that maybe sitting in silence and meditating are two different things. I used to think they were synonymous. But after this morning I realize that they are not. Meditating is the practice of focusing the mind. Sitting in silence as Kyle Cease challenged me, is to literally just sit in silence. And I assume to let the thoughts go. I found that one thought would lead to another. I would remember something from the day before or so, and it would bring some sort of clarity or settle in as a concrete thought instead of just a passing happenstance. For instance, my friend yesterday evening when I went to get a beer or two, mentioned that creating our own space helps find inspiration. We can be inspired easier within a space that is our own. Since we have both been talking about moving out of our parents house, becuase we find it stifling and what not. Had I not sat in sil

I want to start a habit of sitting in silence. As dared by Kyle Cease. 'La Loving Logan'

I finally got some lovin. Just some cuddles and kisses and things. So there is that. I guess it was super random, but not at the same time. We knew we were going to be making. Met for a drink, talked shit. Then went to a nature preserve laid out a blanket and made out under the stars. I almost couldn't control myself and wanted more. But saner heads prevailed and we said goodbye. It was nice though. To just be close and cuddle with someone. I feel like we as a society sort of shun intimacy like that if you aren't committed to someone. At least it has to be hidden and kept on the down low in certain respects. Or maybe that is my own learned patterns that I am working towards unlearning. Any who. I also read some more of my book "Spirituality and Cannabis" last night. I have to say, its really getting me to think. And now that I'm going on week 2 of not smoking weed, I like the ideas that are coming in. To give weed the respect and reverence it deserve

Work last night was interesting. I think I might have been tired from my workout. I have been focusing on getting back into a routine and building my energy back up. Ever since Panama City Beach, I messed up my routine and set myself back with the binging I did, then there was that other concert. But like I said yesterday, I can feel my attitude changing with alcohol. And I keep reading these, what do you call them, memes. Or like pictures with words, know what I'm saying? You find them on Instagram or Facebook. But I have read in several places, where it says alcohol causes more problems than weed. And I totally believe this to be true. So then I ask the question, why is alcohol legal and weed not? To which, I always assume that there is an insidious plot to dumb down humanity, create a society of fear and anger, and strip everyone of their true essence. So then it makes sense why weed is illegal and alcohol is legal. Its a crazy fucking conspiracy, but when you star

The days have been good lately. And I attribute them to an intense focus in stopping old habits. I guess stopping old habits in a sense is creating new one's. But there hasn't been so much of a focus on actually creating a replacement habit. Which I think is a good idea to do. But I'll get to that later. Going strong with the marijuana. only smoked once in the last 2 weeks and that was 6 days ago. And I have no intention or inclination to do smoke again for a good while. I have noticed over the past few days the same thing starting to happen with alcohol. Its like I have to ween myself off of it. But I think the hardest part of it all is realizing that friend nuances will change. I mean when all we do when we get together is drink, it kind of changes the paradigm between friends when one isn't interested in drinking. Sure, we can all still hang out. But the late nights aren't as appealing. The 9 o'clock dinners don't excite too much. And come 7 o

I started losing my mind last night. I've just been working too much lately. I worked every day last week plus 2 doubles which equals 8 shifts. And Sunday was not enough to recover from it. So then Monday I worked another double, and Wednesday of course I pick up and worked another double. And I started crashing hard come Wednesday night's shift. Yawning every 2 minutes. I noticed that when taking orders I was extremely slow. I did see these 2 beautiful twins again. One might be single, at least she is always alone with her sister and her man. But who knows. I was so out of it, I couldn't even carry on conversations really. But I have today off. I slept for about 9 hours strait, which never happens. I usually get about 6 and I wake up. I obviously needed it. Stoked about today though. Got a concert tonight with the bosses and a friend. Going to Ponce City Market and getting some kind of good ramen. Hell yeah!! And all in all, I feel relatively good. I

So I find it interesting how each day is noticeably building on the previous day. Which is obvious, thats kind of how it works. But I'm noticing the confidence returning, the confidence I remember having 6 or 7 years ago. I also am noticing the fear of putting myself out there and sharing who I am dropping away. I think I can tie it to a few things, one probably  being the cutting back on smoking. And its not even difficult anymore. Sure I smoked Sunday, but it wasn't a fight against myself, it was a conscious choice because I actually wanted too. Only to realize that I don't actually want to for the time being. Another is the intentions I have put out there. A month ago started a three month series of Super new moons, leading into an eclipse season. And on the first new moon I created a few intentions, one being to cultivate more confidence in myself and be able to carry on random conversations with people. Well let me tell you, that shit is working. First mont

So I went about 6 days of not smoking weed, and it felt really good actually. And it wasn't even that difficult. I got to day 6 after a week from hell working every day, probably close to...46 hours, and that's just at the restaurant. I'm up at 7 every day anyway doing my other shenanigans. So sleep was minimal. Bu any ways, day 6. I want some beer. So I went to sushi, amazing, read a very interesting chapter in my book 'Spirituality and Cannabis'. And then realized I wanted to smoke weed. Really the only reason I wanted to smoke is because I was going to watch the new Star Trek movie and I wanted to trip out on it before bed. So I smoked and didn't feel bad about it, but I did realize it caused me to waaaaay over think. And then I didn't even stay awake for the movie. I passed out. And then, I woke up Monday morning with a  fucking headache all hung over after 4 beers. Light beers to!!! WTF! So needless to say, I'm kinda over the weed for no

So its been 3 days since I have smoked. I have been wanting to do this for a while. But always struggled with it. And when I say a while, I mean probably about 5 years or so. I always wanted to go a month sober, just to clear the head and detox the body. But I would always get to a point where I would rather drink and smoke than be sober....which is probably telling of my mental state and attitude, now that I look back at it. But here I am. Only stopped smoking weed. Decided I don't want to binge anymore on beer. I have pretty much completely eradicated consuming hard alcohol, we don't get along. Though I know I will get to a point where I will enjoy a craft cocktail here and there. At this time, I am even to scared to to try an old fashioned out in public. Not because one old fashioned would get me turnt, but because as of late, one sip of whiskey and I pass out/black out. Idk, it doens't treat me right and effects me differently than what I am use to. But I do e

I generally let things go until I reach a boiling point. Or a point beyond boiling. Like the steam rising from the bubbling cauldron of a pot over a fire. I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind. I'm at that point with work...again. There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job. This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time

I woke up with a slight feel towards the sad spectrum. And I'm inclined to think that it stems from my recent actions, or in-actions. I binge drank. I go against my truest desire to be sober and rest well, and I put things in my body in an excessive amount and then pay the price and get set back from the progress I have made. Its difficult because I sense a disconnect between friends. I difference in interests causes us to grow apart. I no longer wish to do the things I use to do. I desire to be as healthy as I possibly can. I desire to get proper sleep and progress forward in my attempt to be clean in my body, and become stronger. Binge drinking coutners that. And to hang with friends who do this, counters that. Its a hard decision but it has to be made. It is what it is. Its not bad, just sucks in a way. But I know that I will be happier for it in the long run. I think this whole issue is part of the reason I have the feels today. I also binge drank at a concert

He said, "but I think that's the key. Just be honest and don't apologize for it" Its obvious, and I think most people know this. But to see it in a new light, sometimes I think we just need to hear it again, from someone else. I can read it in a book. I can see it on instagram memes things. But then I hear someone say it to me and it changes the whole ball game. I keep telling workmates that I struggle with talking to people, or struggle with the approach, or don't feel totally comfortable quite yet. And they look at me and say something along the lines of, "your so charming though, I don't even see it", or "Whaaaat, people love you", "Your doing such a good job I didn't even realize. Which makes me think, that maybe I am being too hard on myself. And I love this idea, just be honest and don't apologize for it. Its literally what I have been working towards. Cultivating a confidence where I don't feel the need

Building confidence is like building anything.  Start with a foundation, lay down some bricks of experience and putting colorful bricks out there that go against the grain of normalcy.  Pretty soon, I have put myself out there in few random moments and there is this foundation of who I am sitting on the floor.  Then I add a few more bricks and a few walls. I had to learn where to put the walls, cause sometimes I made them too thick, then had to knock them down, Then I made them of the wrong stuff, so had to knock them down.  But eventually, I found the perfect wall to keep what I don't want out?? Or maybe to sort of hide what I don't want seen.  But I still put some random ass windows in for peering out, to which I know peeople could peer in. But thats the vulnerabity part. And being vulnerable while I build cause I'm swinging a hammer and my back is to the world maybe, or maybe I can see all around me, but I'm preoccupied with building this personal

broken arrows and broken dreams fly through air as the sheep sing. Nothing is there for their taking so they bah, they bah as the arrows and dreams kill them dead. A beautiful meadow full of fluff and read dead blood. A beautiful meadow full of heart ache and loss. Loss of a mind, loss of a choice, loss of a fear that was once alive in their voice. But  none of which did anything to fight against the fear, None of which could even grasp freedom by the ear. I hold on to this image of serene peace and quantum healing. I hold onto this love that I know can be, I can see, I can feel, I truly just want to be. So here I am I stand. A choice I make I can. To be free to be me, to let loose of self judging gravity. Fly to the moon and look back at earth, fit in the palm of my hand. La Loving Logan

I am sitting here, pondering, reading, thinking of existential nuances. I saw a question, "If you believe there is no God, then who created the universe?" That's assuming that God, or someone, or something created the universe. Maybe nothing created the universe and its all self evolving and we are just byproducts of a well organized machine, powered by the dark matter that connects us all. Maybe there is an intelligence created by a group of beings that was coded into the fabric of reality that created us. Maybe we don't actually exist. Maybe all of this is a simulation and we are characters in someone else's story. Maybe we are just fucked and our universe is going to tumble over the edge of a multiverse into the abyss of everything-ness that looks like nothing-ness. Maybe Jesus had it right, and Christians got it wrong. Maybe Buddha should have gotten angry, and yelled his teachings. Maybe life isn't as complicated as it seems, and we have

So I can get specific. I believe in astrology, that the planets do affect us in various ways. I believe in sustainability, waste not want not. I believe in a collective consciousness, we all co write this reality together. I believe in personal responsibility, that my actions affect not only my self but others as well. I believe in creating heaven here on earth, Nirvana is a state of mind, enlightenment is a life long process. To be enlightened is not to have arrived, but to have realized something new. I believe humanity has been lied to for a very long time. I believe there is an insidious agenda to numb and dumb society. I believe we have the power to take control back, we just have to take control back of ourselves and our own thoughts. I believe in moderation, that it is key. I believe in learning to love myself first, and in turn I will know how to love others best. I started thinking of all the things I believe in after I wrote yesterday. I realized that I

It seems to me that over the past 6 years my personal beliefs have changed quite a bit, several times. I find some new way of seeing the world and my belief construct changes. And this has happened so much over the past few years that I don't even realize how lost I am in a solid belief structure. I changes so quickly, that when someone ask me what I believe I find myself rethinking it all. It has become more simplified and pointed, If I don't say so myself. where I use to believe in a religion, I then believed in all religions. Now, I believe in practicality and thoughts and actions moving on a continuum either towards light and love or towards dark and fear. And this is based on how one perceives the world. One's light could be a different hue than another's, and no hue is more perfect than an another hue or shade of shadow. Its all relative, but there are fundamental tenants of existence within this reality, and every religion spells them out. Be kind,

Sweltering in endless thoughts of existentialism. I'm craving freedom from my own prison of subjective bars. dividing me between my own thoughts of fear and the freedom to be and love and express. I find myself lost in doing things that I don't want to do, for the pleasure of trying to be in the moment. But that is the catch isn't it. I shouldn't have to try to be in the moment. I should just be in the moment. But being in the moment for me is different for being in the moment for others. If others would wish to drink to be drunk and be high on alcohol. I would wish to drink and be high on restfulness and wimsy of thoughts. I want to lounge around the day and fall in the sand, having a feeling of deep relaxation. I want to wade in the water free of a come down. I want to fly in the sun and bake in her rays. I want to arrive back home early to cook a meal and read and binge tv all before midnight when I blow the lights out in the house. Early rise, smell of salt,

It should be known, I write here purely for my own sake. I have absolutely no intention of helping anyone but my self on this forum. But if for what ever reason it does bring some sort of enlightenment, or at the very least, entertainment to someone's day, then I'm happy with that outcome as well. So here I go to lay out my own belief about this idea of marriage, because when I go through the process of writing it out, getting it out of my head, it becomes more solidified and understanding within my own mind. Marriage, its a misogynistic, sexist institution created by the rich fuckers of society and the rich leaders of the church at the time. Used at the behest of young women directly and the behest of young men still directly, but not as much. I will say, I believe women have had, and still have more to fight through then men when it comes to suppression. But that being said, the instituiton of marriage is fucked. Just because you love someone, is not a reason to get m

So I did something rather astonishing last night. And before you get all excited, it's nothing extraordinary. I mean for me it is. But what ever, here we go. I usually am able to identify my anger, about one of the only emotions I really know for what ever reason. Maybe because I have spent so much time being angry that it's just easy to spot. But I did something else along with it last night. I expressed it to my mother. Which never happens. I usually hum along mindlessly, keeping the anger inside till it seems to dissipate and go away, which doesn't actually happen, I know. I basically just force it down and ignore it. Or find comfort in my anger. But last night felt good. So work has been rather interesting lately. I have been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride of change and weird nuances. I have no idea what I'm doing with this whole bar tending thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving it, and learning a hell of a lot. But there hasn't

I have been thinking about something lately. Or at least it comes to mind every now and then, and that is this. Feed back; feed back loops; when information that goes out, comes back in. From the way I see it, it is a way of learning about the process occurring in that moment. For me personally this relates to my own processes. Which are quite nuanced with complexity and eccentricity. So what I am getting at is that I feel I don't necessarily experience the feed back that is conducive for myself. My conversations with friends seem stale, and conversations with strangers is a chore. It din't use to be like this. And im not blaming anyone, I know its my own persona that leaves me feeling captivated in my own head so to say. I can't necessarily put my finger on it. But there is this fear of something. And I think it relates to what people will think of me, but I don't think that is the core of it. I don't much give a shit about what people think of me. I have f

I'm slightly above the mediocre line of feeling. Meaning I don't feel sad and I don't feel melancholy but I also don't feel totally happy. or maybe I do. actually I think I am happy. I'm happy with where I am at in life, but looking forward to making shit better. I doon't have any regrets right now. excpet for maybe the part where I blacked out the other night after drinking 9 beers.  once I start, and there is an opportunity to stay out late, I don't seem to stop. And its interesting because I don't get that feeling of being drunk, I just start to notice that I \slowly become an asshole. I didn't even pay for my drink at the bar the other night. I blacked out after the second round of bud-light.  I assume I left after that,but I have no idea. I was hung over all the next day.  Besides that moment I'm genuinely happy. I have been doing things each day to feed into the energy of my passions and what I truly want to do.  reading,

One of my desires at this point and time in my life, is to find more confidence in who I am and how I relate to other people, strangers included. I was sheltered to a very extreme degree. And while I remember that not affecting me so much, it seems like it has caught up to me. I have a hard time carrying on a conversation, and myabe I am being extermely hard on myself. But the fact is, I don't feel totally comfortable talking to most people. I always seem to be fishing for what to say next. I don't understand what people are saying sometimes. I get left behind in the existential crisis of not knowing anything about pop culture from the year 2008 and back. I seem to remember being vivacious and gregarious, but that was also back when I was partying my face off. So I am inclined to think that it was mostly drug and alchohol induced reverly of act. I can see it getting better. I know it takes time and practice to get good at these things. I'm just an impatient mother f

I feel as though I have created or come into an attitude of more confidence. I felt lighter and more energized at work last night. I had no issues with talking to people and the work was fun and exciting for the evening. Except when I had to clean vomit from the wall in the ladies restroom. Too much sangria is what that was. I'm still thinking about, wondering if I have said anything to offend my friend and their faith. God, its that fact that I know I'm not amazing at reading social ques. I will most often miss the subtle nuances and not so subtle nuances of emotional expression. And only in words and conversation will I get a glimpse of something that might have gone awry. But I will come to that line of questioning when I see them next. Some people say it seems like I'm really getting shit done. And I guess I am, I have created a new website and blog. I finished my first commission piece. I started the process for getting my massage license. I finally got my new GA

I know I have a, sort of, issue with reading situations. I don't know exactly what it would be called. I think I have maybe discussed it a little before. I have a hard time reading social cues. Sometimes I feel like people are playing games with me, and I have no idea what is actually going on. I can just tell that there is something going on. And I'm not so sure where it all comes from. I was sheltered pretty extremely growing up, this could have something to do with it. I also feel like I have some sort of mental social stigma. Conversations are a lot of times are treacherous for me.  I fumble over what I should say next.  A lot of times, I'm pondering what I might should say, as someone is talking to me. Not because I don't want to listen, or I just want to say what I want to say. I don't actually know what to say. I have a hard time pretending i'm interested, if I'm not interested. Ass hole, I know. But what am I getting at. Oh, so I get the se

Does it bother you? Do you feel it? When someone takes their life or the life of others, do you cry? Do you ask why? Everyone's lost in a world of horror. No one even knows they've gone back to the land of forgetting. We laugh and we cry, we sing and we dance, As the blood of the innocent drips from our hands. Do you care? Do you feel it? I do. Empath, I'm a monster I feel the screams of the children. Empath, I'm dying from the inside out. And what about the man who's left all alone, To cry for a hand, to cry for a home. Its common now, that mass shootings occur. And we still cry guns, its mindless conjecture. At what point will we stop blaming the inanimate object. And Look at the mental reoccurring process. Has it occurred to you that none of these children are terrorists? And why is it always a boy, who we assume is a derelict? So why the fuck aren't we asking the pertinent questions? Gun control yes, it's a goo