Confidence

Building confidence is like building anything. 

Start with a foundation, lay down some bricks of experience and putting colorful bricks out there that go against the grain of normalcy. 

Pretty soon, I have put myself out there in few random moments and there is this foundation of who I am sitting on the floor. 

Then I add a few more bricks and a few walls. I had to learn where to put the walls, cause sometimes I made them too thick, then had to knock them down, Then I made them of the wrong stuff, so had to knock them down. 

But eventually, I found the perfect wall to keep what I don't want out?? Or maybe to sort of hide what I don't want seen. 

But I still put some random ass windows in for peering out, to which I know peeople could peer in. But thats the vulnerabity part. And being vulnerable while I build cause I'm swinging a hammer and my back is to the world maybe, or maybe I can see all around me, but I'm preoccupied with building this personal thing called confidence.

And pretty soon, I'm pretty strong and got a firm structure of who I am all around me. A roof comes with more time and experience. 

Then I get to decorate and put pretty flowery things all over the place and paint the walls a goddamn bright fucking color. Cause rainbows and unicorns bitch.

When I change who I am so drastically and so many times over the course of just a few years. I guess what I need to accept and realize is that my confidence in who I am changes. 

Because here is this new person I don't totally know or understand, and that is ok. But give it time and I will become more aware of my personality. More confident in the newness of my being. 

I can't expect to just be 100% understanding of all I have changed to be. Understanding takes time. Self love, and respect and openness will go a long way. 

Be Free, Be Me.

I've noticed more confidence at work in talking to people. I approach more. It just takes time, that seem to be the common theme. The more I put myself out there and lay those random brick in front of me, the more I find inner confidence in who I am. 

Its all good. 

La Loving Logan

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cult: The Escape (pt. 2)

 I graduated with honors, although I didn't hand in one homework assignment all year. The math teacher would give us the answers on the tests.  It was honestly a joke. And looking back, the entirety of my schooling was limited to a dogmatic perspective. Dinosaurs never existed.  The earth was 6,000 years old. Things that seem so insane to me now.  The highs school I graduated from lost their accreditation the next year.  At least I had a diploma that was somewhat valid.  In the Cult there was this idea that you should give God at least a year.  They really wanted the kids coming up to devote their lives to Jesus. And what that really meant was serving in some capacity in the church.  Be a pastor, a Bible school teacher, a youth minister. Anything really. So long as you didn't go out into the real world and start thinking for yourself. Can't have the devil getting a grip on you. They coaxed most kids to attend the Bible college for a year. Which was a pretty penny.  I honest
Read more

Cult: The Escape (pt 1.)

 Smashing heads,  and sweaty workout drills.  Twice a day. A full game played each day.  An entire season of sportsball, or football if that's what you like to call it, condensed into one week. (I was too curious. I just looked it up.)  They call it 'Man Camp' now. And I'm dead.  If that name doesn't adequately and succinctly describe the essence of this one week devoted to God, I don't know what does.  And that's where I was 16 years ago. Headed into my senior year. I was about to embark on my last year at the only school I had ever been to. Set within the walls of my church. I had spent my entire school life inside the walls of this building 7 days a week.  That't kindergarten to 11th grade. 12 years up to this point. And 7 days a week is no exaggeration.  Monday through Friday for school. Saturday all day winning souls to Jesus and inviting people to church. Twice on Sundays and Wednesday evenings for some good 'ole fashion preaching. And if you m
Read more

From Antiquated Ideology, To Expressive Individuality

        Rites and rituals, they seem to all be gone. Or maybe not gone but have become so construed by our society that the essence of what they are has been cast by the way side. Maybe there are some that see things the way I do, but I do know I want change. I can even see its latent course beckoning for awareness. But I feel as though the dogmatic fight me because they themselves are afraid of the change. Time changes everything. To fight it just means you prolong the inevitable.  And I feel put in the dark because of your antiquated perceptions of grandeur that fell by the way side as soon as I realized religion was not all that it was told me to be. I felt put in the dark when I realized that our politics were a giant fucking game that the corruption of which only  hurts people on every level. I felt put in the dark when I realized I was utterly alone in fighting this abhorrent war between freedom of mind, thought, expression and the condescending energy snuffing vampires of the kn
Read more