Fuck Em

So I did something rather astonishing last night. And before you get all excited, it's nothing extraordinary. I mean for me it is. But what ever, here we go.

I usually am able to identify my anger, about one of the only emotions I really know for what ever reason. Maybe because I have spent so much time being angry that it's just easy to spot.

But I did something else along with it last night. I expressed it to my mother. Which never happens. I usually hum along mindlessly, keeping the anger inside till it seems to dissipate and go away, which doesn't actually happen, I know. I basically just force it down and ignore it. Or find comfort in my anger.

But last night felt good.

So work has been rather interesting lately. I have been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride of change and weird nuances.

I have no idea what I'm doing with this whole bar tending thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving it, and learning a hell of a lot. But there hasn't been any explicit direction so to say. Which is fine, I usually learn better by experience and when I fuck something up,..well, I normally don't fuck it up again. And seems that the bosses have been fine with this.

Even when something really goes wrong and us bar tenders dropped the ball, and we get a group text from boss man about how disappointed he is; when I approach him to talk about it, he usually says it wasn't directed at me. All fine and dandy, except...

I have noticed there is a riff of fuckery. I came in one morning to open up and literally had to sweep, mop, wipe down every counter top and stock everything before I could begin to open the bar.

So when I spoke my issues to the bar tenders who worked the last shift; two of them were apologetic and confirmed that it shouldn't have happened. The other, made light of the situation and thought it was funny.

FUCK YOU!!

So that happened. Fast forward to last night. And mind you, mostly everything that has been happening as far as things going wrong or fuck ups happening have been attributed to basically one other bar tender.

So last night, after having a meeting about how closings have been rather distasteful, a new agenda was on the  line. An owner was going to be staying through all the way till doors locked, just to see whats going on and basically baby sit us.

FYI, I haven't actually had a closing shift in a long time. But as part of the team I take part of the rap for it.

So, were closing and I decided to stay through, mostly to get my money before having off the next day, and two, to try and learn some more about how to close the bar down.

So I do everything I know to do, then ask boss man if there is anything else he needs from me, and he shrugs and says I don't know, ( hes very all about letting the team figure things out and watching what happens). So I ask closer bar tender what else needs to be done and he says that's it.

But that's when I see boss man doing some more deep cleaning and stocking the bev naps and straws, which
(I just thought was a opening duty, becuase first time I opened I had to do that)
Obviously not!!

So all that to say, I became extremely angry on the way home, and began screaming and yelling at the windshield, which doubled as that one guy, you know.

Then got home and expressed my thoughts and feeling to me mum, which is the most surprising for me. It felt good, obviously. I was just shocked that I was able to do it. Its like turning a corner, because normally I don't know how to articulate my emotions and what I'm feeling.

And on top of that, I realized how, idk if negative is the right word. But I noticed how this one bartender was the source of a lot of shit fuckery at work. So now I'm more centered on how I feel and what I want from this new experience with bar tending.

Ugh!! This whole thing is crazy, but I can't lie. I'm enjoying it.

And fuck this guy!!

La Loving Logan (ha, loving sounds like an oxymoron right now)