A Loop Around
I generally let things go until I reach a boiling point. Or a point beyond boiling. Like the steam rising from the bubbling cauldron of a pot over a fire.
I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind.
I'm at that point with work...again.
There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job.
This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time I'm in a restaurant where things should be handled with a little more tact.
Which is not really my strong suit. And I'm ok with it. I pay attention to it and work on it, but for the most part, I just want to shoot strait, and that means getting to the point in my intense, fuck you way. Cause lets face it, at this point. FUCK YOU!!
I have seen to many instances where you didn't give a fuck. I was standing there when you told the boss man to his face that you didn't give a fuck. And every time something has gone awry with the money, you are the common thread and the one in charge of counting.
I also just realize you probably have a power trip going on in your head. And that is why you don't tell me anything pertinent to the job. Because you feel that the more people know, the less power you have. Fuck you.
So here I am. I have woken up angry the past 2 days about the same thing. I don't enjoy it. I attempt to bring myself back to center and move on with my day. But I'm noticing a pattern here.
No to blame you for my state of anger. Because my anger is my choice, but there is still cause and effect. But the effects of your actions towards me, and when I'm around is the cause of my discomfort, which is my anger.
I show up to work see you, and realize I don't actually care about you any more. I think about it and realize I have no interest in working with you any more.
Could I change my attitude. Yes, I have done this before, but I also won't over look the fact that every time I have changed my attitude in the past, it came right back to where it was before. Why?
I think it is because for the most part, people don't necessarily change at random. If you have a shitty attitude, then you are going to have a shitty attitude until you consciously change it.
And the pattern of late, to which I have been a front seat viewer of, is that you don't actually give a shit about changing your attitude, or your actions.
So, I am at the point where I don't think I want to attempt to change my attitude for you. Because I already know it will just come back to the same state I am in now. Though, for the sake of the job and my self, I will probably make great attempts to look past these issues until you're fucking fired or I find a better way of dealing with your horse shit.
Like, refusing to work with you and causing a disruption in the plans of the bosses, leaving them with some hard decisions. Keep your sorry ass around and find someone else to fill my spot. Or I find a better job more conducive with my own energies.
Simple. I just don't feel like subjecting myself to this sort of energetic nuance if I don't have too.
And part of me thinks that is the only reason why you are still around, because you gone, would mean having to find another replacement. Which is hard for any establishment like this.
So I feel better having vented this. The steam has dissipated. The heat turned down. I am seriously considering telling the boss man I have no interest in working with you anymore. Buuuuut, I will, because its a job and I'm not going to leave them high and dry like that.
I will give it another day, maybe the weekend and see what comes of it. Till then.
Arrive-fucking-dercis
La Loving Logan.
(With love. To myself)
I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind.
I'm at that point with work...again.
There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job.
This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time I'm in a restaurant where things should be handled with a little more tact.
Which is not really my strong suit. And I'm ok with it. I pay attention to it and work on it, but for the most part, I just want to shoot strait, and that means getting to the point in my intense, fuck you way. Cause lets face it, at this point. FUCK YOU!!
I have seen to many instances where you didn't give a fuck. I was standing there when you told the boss man to his face that you didn't give a fuck. And every time something has gone awry with the money, you are the common thread and the one in charge of counting.
I also just realize you probably have a power trip going on in your head. And that is why you don't tell me anything pertinent to the job. Because you feel that the more people know, the less power you have. Fuck you.
So here I am. I have woken up angry the past 2 days about the same thing. I don't enjoy it. I attempt to bring myself back to center and move on with my day. But I'm noticing a pattern here.
No to blame you for my state of anger. Because my anger is my choice, but there is still cause and effect. But the effects of your actions towards me, and when I'm around is the cause of my discomfort, which is my anger.
I show up to work see you, and realize I don't actually care about you any more. I think about it and realize I have no interest in working with you any more.
Could I change my attitude. Yes, I have done this before, but I also won't over look the fact that every time I have changed my attitude in the past, it came right back to where it was before. Why?
I think it is because for the most part, people don't necessarily change at random. If you have a shitty attitude, then you are going to have a shitty attitude until you consciously change it.
And the pattern of late, to which I have been a front seat viewer of, is that you don't actually give a shit about changing your attitude, or your actions.
So, I am at the point where I don't think I want to attempt to change my attitude for you. Because I already know it will just come back to the same state I am in now. Though, for the sake of the job and my self, I will probably make great attempts to look past these issues until you're fucking fired or I find a better way of dealing with your horse shit.
Like, refusing to work with you and causing a disruption in the plans of the bosses, leaving them with some hard decisions. Keep your sorry ass around and find someone else to fill my spot. Or I find a better job more conducive with my own energies.
Simple. I just don't feel like subjecting myself to this sort of energetic nuance if I don't have too.
And part of me thinks that is the only reason why you are still around, because you gone, would mean having to find another replacement. Which is hard for any establishment like this.
So I feel better having vented this. The steam has dissipated. The heat turned down. I am seriously considering telling the boss man I have no interest in working with you anymore. Buuuuut, I will, because its a job and I'm not going to leave them high and dry like that.
I will give it another day, maybe the weekend and see what comes of it. Till then.
Arrive-fucking-dercis
La Loving Logan.
(With love. To myself)
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