Saturday, June 16, 2018

The Energy of Change and Whats A Date?

I'm slightly above the mediocre line of feeling. Meaning I don't feel sad and I don't feel melancholy but I also don't feel totally happy. or maybe I do.

actually I think I am happy. I'm happy with where I am at in life, but looking forward to making shit better. I doon't have any regrets right now. excpet for maybe the part where I blacked out the other night after drinking 9 beers. 

once I start, and there is an opportunity to stay out late, I don't seem to stop. And its interesting because I don't get that feeling of being drunk, I just start to notice that I \slowly become an asshole. I didn't even pay for my drink at the bar the other night. I blacked out after the second round of bud-light. 

I assume I left after that,but I have no idea. I was hung over all the next day. 

Besides that moment I'm genuinely happy. I have been doing things each day to feed into the energy of my passions and what I truly want to do. 

reading, writing, getting GA massage license, Painting a little, I need to start a new project. 

I also have been in this head space of finding a girl to be with. I had my eyes on someone and now I feel the energy shifting in that regards. It was a physical attraction, that was not accompanied by a mental attraction. Good friend, but probably would not make a good couple for long term perspective. 

Its the difference in beliefs. I don't like religion and most people around these parts are very religious. And yes, we should be able to live in harmony with others religions, but it seems to be the case that it just doesn't happen, where people can be really close and have different beliefs.

The way I see things is drastically different then how most religious people see things. There is also this underlying rehearsed nuance of statements. Things that you are supposed to be said and what not. 

So what eves. I felt it shift and that is fine. Its better to not force something like that. It taints it and becomes a weird vibe at that point. 

I guess I;m more focused on conversational pieces. I thought maybe she was like me though, where it just takes time for me to warm up and be able to carry on a fun flirty conversation. But maybe so, either way it came to a shift. And that might not mean that the whole thing has to be written off, but the flair of attraction, or maybe infatuation faded. 

And maybe its at that point that the friendship takes on more seriousness,  not and the focus of friends becomes more paramount than wading through the nuances of seriousness as far as relationships go.

I see beautiful people and want to know them. Focus on getting to know a mother fucker as friends first. Be a friend to everyone.

Be solid in what I am doing. unashamed, excited about who I am and where I am going. Be extactic about where I am at now and look to glean information from people. get to know them, where they have been, where they are at and where they are going. What is going on in their lives.

I have created this focus, which I did as an intention for the new moon, super new moon to be exact. I want to be more gregarious and open with people. I need to be open with myself and gregarious with myself and look to please no one and be happy and high on life. 

I feel good about all this. 

How do I go about dating? how the fuck does that work. Ask someone out? does that imply seriousness? I don't know what this means. I know nothing. let it play out naturally. but then does anything really play out with out a focused energy into something,. usually not how you intend, I feel. 

Any ways, Just do you boo boo. Or do me shmee shmee. Its all good. I'm done. 

To another day and steering through the nuances of energetic exchange that I completely feel lost in and don't understand. Buuuuut, making myself look at it from an energetic perspective, kind of creates a beginning understanding of something. Like I have a frame work to look at life from now and the subtle nuances of people i can begin to understand from this frame work. hmm... focus on how I feel around certain people. and how I feel about what they say. oooh then express how I feel. that is being truthful and authentic about who I am. 

Ok cool. I like this new edge of reality. Time to explore.

La Loving Logan

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Talking Points

One of my desires at this point and time in my life, is to find more confidence in who I am and how I relate to other people, strangers included.

I was sheltered to a very extreme degree. And while I remember that not affecting me so much, it seems like it has caught up to me.

I have a hard time carrying on a conversation, and myabe I am being extermely hard on myself. But the fact is, I don't feel totally comfortable talking to most people. I always seem to be fishing for what to say next. I don't understand what people are saying sometimes. I get left behind in the existential crisis of not knowing anything about pop culture from the year 2008 and back.

I seem to remember being vivacious and gregarious, but that was also back when I was partying my face off. So I am inclined to think that it was mostly drug and alchohol induced reverly of act.

I can see it getting better. I know it takes time and practice to get good at these things. I'm just an impatient mother fucker and want what i want like, now.

Im a bartender and I have a hard time engaging the guests and talking them up and making them feel at home and comfortable to sit at my bar. I usually try very hard to stay busy making drinks and washing dishes and clearing the bar and refiling drinks, so I don't have to stand and shoot the shit with someone.

A lot of times I dont' even like what someone is saying and want to say some shit, but I hold my tounge.

I also have an issue with defining lines and when they should or should not be crossed.

Last night a man was trashed and apparently catcalling everywoman within his viscinity. Iam suppoed to look out for guest and handle this situation but I didn't even notice it. I thought the dude was just being loud and drunk.

God I have a lot to learn.

To another day, and another bar shift. I like the A.\M. shifts. Got some regulars coming in for the world cup.

This is going to be a good day. peac

La loving Logan

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

A Ramble and A Prayer

I feel as though I have created or come into an attitude of more confidence. I felt lighter and more energized at work last night. I had no issues with talking to people and the work was fun and exciting for the evening. Except when I had to clean vomit from the wall in the ladies restroom. Too much sangria is what that was.

I'm still thinking about, wondering if I have said anything to offend my friend and their faith. God, its that fact that I know I'm not amazing at reading social ques. I will most often miss the subtle nuances and not so subtle nuances of emotional expression. And only in words and conversation will I get a glimpse of something that might have gone awry.

But I will come to that line of questioning when I see them next.

Some people say it seems like I'm really getting shit done. And I guess I am, I have created a new website and blog. I finished my first commission piece. I started the process for getting my massage license. I finally got my new GA license and tags. I got promoted at work and venturing into becoming more confident with talking to people. I wish to be more gregarious.

I enjoy talking to people. But for some reason the past idk, year or so or maybe longer, I started getting tongue tied and anxious when I would have to talk to strangers. Which is quite a predicament when my job entails talking to strangers non stop.

But I'm getting better at it. At least I can feel a confidence coming that promotes a more relaxed aura of conversation for me. I think it also stems from a confidence in who I am and what I am doing.

Pretty much everything is new for me. New job, new living situation, new projects and interests. And at the same time it's all changing, and changing rapidly.

I'm focused on so many things right now I almost question if it might be too many things at once.

Painting, writing, bar-tending, lyrical writing, working out and my health. Saving money, while taking trips.

The big things though are the writing, and lyrics, painting, bar-tending, and massage. 4 areas in my life where I am focusing my energy to create sustenance. I feel that at some point a few things will become second nature and not invoke so much energy and focus.

Maybe bar-tending will become easier and more relaxed to the point where its fun every time I go in and I can shoot the shit and be easy breezy with people.

I think once I start collaborating with an artist, that will spark ideas and a new way of getting into lyric writing.

And massage just needs to be done at least once a week.

Hey its the new moon today. And a super new moon at that. the first of three, which will get more and more intense culminating on the super new moon in August.

So I have created some intentions for the next 6 months, and along with that I want to create monthly intentions on the new moon nights for the next 3 months. I'm a bit curious to see what will happen.

New Moon Intentions:

From June 13 - July 13 I Intend to:
 - Save $2,000
 - write lyrics for a song
 - Paint my own idea
 - Get out in nature once a week.
 - Find stronger confidence in who I am and how I relate to people/strangers
 - Do at least one massage a week.


I feel good about these intentions. They touch on my passions and my desires, and I feel like, accomplishing these intentions over the next month will add value to my life and clarity to thought and I just might acquire a new found faith in myself.

So to newness. And pushing forward one day at a time.

La Loving Logan

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Confusion In The Dark

I know I have a, sort of, issue with reading situations. I don't know exactly what it would be called. I think I have maybe discussed it a little before.

I have a hard time reading social cues. Sometimes I feel like people are playing games with me, and I have no idea what is actually going on. I can just tell that there is something going on.

And I'm not so sure where it all comes from. I was sheltered pretty extremely growing up, this could have something to do with it. I also feel like I have some sort of mental social stigma.

Conversations are a lot of times are treacherous for me.  I fumble over what I should say next.  A lot of times, I'm pondering what I might should say, as someone is talking to me. Not because I don't want to listen, or I just want to say what I want to say. I don't actually know what to say.

I have a hard time pretending i'm interested, if I'm not interested. Ass hole, I know.

But what am I getting at. Oh, so I get the sense that sometimes I may be disrespectful in some way about religion. Ok, I know I can be disrespectful in some ways about religion. I just fail to see how it affects an individual on an emotional level.

There isn't an excuse for it, though I could list some. But they are more reason for my outburst than anything. Not to say they are justified.

I never want to be disrespectful of someones religion, but I definitely cross lines I'm sure. Just difficult to stay accepting of a faith that shits on people and is the cause for such catastrophic undoing of the planet and society. Wow!!!

See, there I go just saying shit about religion. Goddamn it!!

Its so hard to catalog the different sects of religions. I tend to lump all people who identify with a religion under the same canopy and its not fair. I know this.

Anywho, back to the original discussion. So I was out with a friend and a friend of said friend, and somehow religion came up for about 2.5 seconds. I said something about prayer, how it doesn't matter who you pray to, the act of praying is the same through out every religion.

The reply back was, it does matter, and its all different. Then a random thought of never disrespecting someone's religion escaped the friends lips and that was the end of the religious conversation....

Here is where my head goes as the conversation carries on about dogs and cats. Was said friend referring to me? Was it something I just said? Was it something I have said before and not realized what I had said and this was the tipping point? Where did this thought of disrespecting someones religion come from? Was it just a random thought that popped into said friends head? Or was it triggered by my slight disdain for religion as a whole....

Ooh, man this could get interesting. I think there was a subtle nuance of understanding that any talk of religion was going to end in a circle of accomplishing nothing except maybe hurting someones feelings or making someone angry. 

I still don't know why? And I'm not so sure why thoughts like these stay with me.

Could it be because of my interest in the said friend and not wanting to cause strife like that. Could it be a clash of beliefs and desires.  my belief in religion as being detrimental to society and my desire to be a friend to said friend.

These subtle nuances always baffle me. I always seem to know when something is going on, at least I think there is something going on, but I can never put my finger on it.

Its like I said before in a another post. I feel like the world is playing a game against me and I can't figure out the rules. God what a fucking existential predicament.

Keep it simple. I no longer believe in religion. In fact, it goes as far to actively believe that religion should be done away with, or just simmered down. Maybe its more along the lines of what the founding father of this country didn't want to happen when they said to keep religion out of the politics. Which obviously has become warped into something entirely different. Where now, religion is used as a tool to sway the masses into voting how someone wants them to vote. Or keeping the masses agitated in such a way that a mindless fucking war over oil could be going on longer than WWI and WWII combined.

See where my disdain for it comes in. And maybe that is the fulcrum for my distaste. That it has gone past the point of being a personal belief and is now a part of the failing structure of society. Instead of a sect of people taking on a personal belief in a way of life, they want their  personal belief to be imposed on everyone. And this has been happening for sometime.

Just look back in history. The Salem Witch trials, Christians couldn't let other people have thier own personal belief and murdered innocent women on the premise that they were worshiping the devil, which was a fabricated lie but the people ate it up.

I feel like I'm rambling on a lot. I think what I wanted to get at was this idea that I could be disrespecting someones personal belief. Its not their fault that religion is used as a tool for mass control and has woven its way into the dialogue and representation of government.

I guess my question would be, are you ok with taking the bible out of schools and the ten commandment out of the halls of justice? If not, then are you ok with teaching Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism and Christianity side by side in school. This I believe is where the true colors would be shown.

I don't even know where this was supposed to go. All I can think to do is ask said friend if I did say anything to disrespect their religion. And then make amends and move on from there. I can see that I need to work on my approach to such conversations. Be more loving and accepting of individual beliefs but separate those beliefs from governing people.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

For Death Will I Part

Does it bother you?

Do you feel it?

When someone takes their life or the life of others, do you cry?

Do you ask why?

Everyone's lost in a world of horror.

No one even knows they've gone back to the land of forgetting.

We laugh and we cry, we sing and we dance,

As the blood of the innocent drips from our hands.

Do you care?

Do you feel it?

I do.

Empath, I'm a monster I feel the screams of the children.

Empath, I'm dying from the inside out.

And what about the man who's left all alone,

To cry for a hand, to cry for a home.

Its common now, that mass shootings occur.

And we still cry guns, its mindless conjecture.

At what point will we stop blaming the inanimate object.

And Look at the mental reoccurring process.

Has it occurred to you that none of these children are terrorists?

And why is it always a boy, who we assume is a derelict?

So why the fuck aren't we asking the pertinent questions?

Gun control yes, it's a good topic for discussion.

But what about the apparent emotional dysfunction?

We cut the funding to education

Expect the teachers to pick up slack.

Then scream for retribution, once children's lines have gone flat.

You say the problem is that he had access to a gun.

And ignore the fact that, something, made him come undone.

Now I hear of young people offing themselves,

Because they just can't take this shit wev'e been handed, Its pure fucking hell

Thank you generations who have come before us.

When will you realize it was your affirmative actions that deplore us

The system you have handed us, no longer works.

Justice flew out the window along with sanity's backwards looks.

You want to blame today's parents for their lack of discipline.

But it's you who have raised these adults, so pick up the stone you without sin.

Doesn't anyone fucking get it, were all in this together.

And the fuckers who win, come out on top

Are the elected evils, while we all have our heads put to the chopping block.

But lets just stay antiquated in the face of all the signs

The signs tell us were doomed, unless we realize

Realize we're teetering on the edge of explosion.

Mother nature's warning us, hold on your time is coming.

There are repercussions for our actions, and we've been so insidiously fucked.

Mass graves around the world, conscious revolutions kept secret

Science taken for granted, and the sea just keeps creepin.

I wish there was something I could do, so I write.

I've been angry about all this for quite some time.

I believe religion is the bane of our existence.

We are kept in the dark because of it's malevolence.

I almost cried the other day, becuase a friend lost a friend.

I held my tears back, to be strong, not give in.

And the reason was the same, just like it always is.

Tired of the games, the evil thats felt within.

There are people on this planet who feel things more than most.

The slightest lie told is  like a knife to their throat.

Be kind is what Jesus said, and judge not for one's sin.

But it seems the people preaching the loudest, this they have forgotten.

So all I can do is fight every day.

Not against the evils or the hypocritical play.

But fight for my own freedom, and the man standing next to me.

Fight for love, fight for light, do my best to be caring.

And I have faith that in the end, my God will bring victory.

'La Loving Logan'

Monday, March 19, 2018

Changing the Focus, Changing the Paradigm

I gotta change it. I don't like that I get angry. But I know its a natural occurrence and it's worth feeling into it.

I ranted about how I see Christianity. Its just really hard sometimes to fully accept people when they don't even accept you for who you are. Me for who I am.

And maybe herein lies the dilemma.

Do I still fight against fully accepting myself? That question, who am I, is a confusing one for me still. Maybe not confusing, just extremely complex.

Complex because for me the simplest way I can answer the quesiont "who am I" is; I am soul. And what the fuck is soul but something eternal we don't actually know anything about, except what metaphysics and conjecturing tells us based on quantum reality. But at the core. We have no idea what the other side holds.

Thats why religion is still a thing. We as humans look for explanations for the things we cannot explain. That's where religion came from in the first place. Ascribing personalities to natural phenomenon that we didn't understand.

I'm not my name. I'm not my birth place. I'm not my interests and passions. These are manifestations of who I am. And who I am spans time and place.

Oh shit I'm getting metaphysical now.

But how does this relate to Christianity and my anger?

I don't know. I know I hold high ideals in my head of the way things should be.

Being existential can fuck me sometimes. But this is part of who I am.

To think and ponder things from an existential view point. To look for the greatest potential in every avenue and pursue that whether it goes along with conventional ways of thinking or not.

I see religion as antiquated. I believe it is antiquated. And maybe that's part of it. I believe religion as a whole thwarts individual human and social progress.

And that's why I get angry.

Its ok to be angry about this. But how can I work with it? How can I learn to accept it for what it is?

I know fighting against it won't do anything. I know that most Christians mean to do well.

Winning a soul to Jesus Christ is the ultimate path to saving the world. But does it really save the world?

I guess I interpret the things Jesus said in a different way too. Far from what I was taught he meant.

Gematria.

Sacred Geometry.

The Esccense Gospels, that no one seemed to talk about when I was a kid.

The historical moments within Christianity and how the religions came to be, I had to learn about after I left Bible school. They left the tid bits out that didn't line up with what they believed.

I keep going on tangents in my head getting angry.

Breathe...aaahhh, blah.

Changing the focus, changing the paradigm.

I'm focused on all the things about religion that I don't like. And this creates my paradigm. Not a bad thing. It has been this path I am on that has brought me to these different realizations about religion.

But I think its time that I learn how to change my perception from an angry one to a more loving one.

So what is it about religion that I enjoy. It does give people a path to follow that aligns with honesty and integrity.

There are those who take advantage and abuse the system of religion.

There are those who are descent human beings and do live in community with other religions. This I like. To be able to share a belief because of what we have in common.

And this is a shift here. Look for commonality instead of what separates us.

ooh.

The tactic as old as war. Divide and conquer.

What separates us is what will divide us.

What is common among us is what will unite us.

EEEEhh, yeah!!!

What do I have in common with Christians.

And I feel like I should define the word Christian.

Christian - to be Christ like, a believer in Jesus the Christ and his teaching.

I believe in Jesus and his teachings. He said some good shit.

A Christian reaches out a hand and helps those in need.

I try my best to do so.

A Christian does their best not to judge others and accept everyone for who they are no matter what path they are on.

I do my best too.

We all believe in an after life.

We all believe in being kind an generous to people.

We all believe in a power greater than ourselves.

I think if I continue practicing changing my thoughts on this issue, to see what we hold in common, it may change the way I act around religious peoples.

Or maybe I'll stop being so angry about the differences.

Habits can be broken and new ones can be formed. Existential mother fucker.

To progress and human potential.


'La Loving Logan'

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Christianity and my Anger

I'm slightly worried about this one.

I try. I really do try my hardest to be loving and accepting of religion, specifically Christianity. But I seem to keep finding myself in a state of anger with it.

Its when I am subjected to it's nuances through conversation and being around those who profess faith in Christ that I sense the anger rise up in me.

And it's not so much that I have a problem with Jesus or his teachings. I have a problem with the disconnect from reality that I see.

Situations like the "War on Terrorism", get the fuck out of here!!

The Christian religion has become a blindfold to the reality of what is going on.

This isn't a war on radical Islamic terrorism. This is a war being fought for the rich fuckers greed over power money and oil.

Yet, somehow Christianity as a whole has been duped into thinking that this war is necessary. Even though the ten commandments say....don't kill???

And I know...I know most people are good heartened people. But I can't seem to get over this distasteful nuance of an idiosyncrasy.

And its not just Christianity I'm sure. The only reason I have a stigma with this religion is because it was shoved down my throat for the first 19 years of my life and I found myself questioning all of it, because none of it, except the practical teachings of Jesus, made sense.

I'm starting to hear Christians talk about the mysticism of faith like it's some wonderful new age finding coming back to us, sent to us by god in this time of trouble and heartache.

What you fail to realize is this is nothing new. And it's most definitely not exclusive to Christianity.

Christianity was born out of mysticism, just like every other religion. And where the fuck do you think all that mysticism went???

Maybe stop ignoring historical and scientific facts and your world might open up to a universe of knowledge that has been hidden and systematically tweaked to keep us in the dark.

You blame the devil. I blame the evil insidiousness and our fucking complacency to fight against such darkness, for being in the shit fucking state we are in now.

You find proof that your faith works cause you pray and magical things happen. Mother fuckers, praying is not synonymous with your religion.  Praying transcends all religions and all peoples and all times and all spaces.

Even atheists fucking pray. And they find proof that their faith works.

You want professions of faith in Jesus Christ, while that doesn't do anything to cure the world of evil.

You talk about supporting companies who don't accept gay people, like you're holier than fucking thou, pick up the stone you sinless fuck and throw it. Oh wait, you already did you judgmental prick.

I didn't realize your God said, "judge not unless you don't agree with them". Fuck off with your self righteous bull shit.

You buy into the rhetoric of "left wing", "right wing" believing everything your "christian" politicians tell you, even though they are so far removed from living a life according to Christian ideals.

You deny scientific facts that climate change is real, like you haven't been doing this for the past 500 years. Galileo....earth revolves around the sun? Ring a bell anyone?

You brainwash and manipulate generations of children, and when we finally have a chance to think for ourselves we are so fucking lost in a world where reality is what it is, but we were told it was something entirely different. So now we get shit on left and right, lost in our own minds, fucked by the very people who are supposed to love us the most. And at the end of it all we have no where to turn because...ooh, we just can't get on board anymore with what you told us we should believe.

I'm one of these children, and I don't think you realize the fucking insanity we feel and go through. We feel alienated. We feel all alone. We have no idea how to express the fucking shit storm in our brains. And if we do find a little bravery in opening up to you about it. You sin against your God, judge the fuck out of us, and push us further and further away.

Now stuck in no man's land. Fighting for a gasp of air every day, trying so hard to hang on to a belief that life will get better.

I can only thank God, and no, its not your fucking Jesus Christ, that I have somehow been able to find some resemblance of sanity. And this sanity is more like, a way of coping and living day to day that actually has started bringing me joy.

But I can't tell you the number of people I run into, that struggle so fucking much and they feel like they have no where to turn to.

And it's always the same. We talk about getting a therapist, this might help. But I was always scared of being prescribed a pill, or stigmatized into a box of "having this dispostion, or that disposition".

Sometimes we turn to drugs and alcohol because it sure as hell beats turning to the one's we thought loved us, where you just judge us more and push us even further away.

Sometimes we think about pulling the trigger with a gun to our heads, cause FUCK  this goddamn insane thing we call a reality. Where everyone seems so ass fucking backwards and the world seems to shit on us every day we wake up.

Am I alone?? Is there more to life than feeling unloved and unwanted?

Another part of why it sucks donkey fucking balls is because we were taught something golden. We were taught how to treat people, even though half the time we see the opposite from those who are supposed to be our role models.

We were taught the fundamental tenants of faith and doing good works for others.

But then we don't understand the other half of the equation where you say demeaning things and cut other people down on the simple premise that they don't believe like you do. Or you don't agree with how they live their life.

We get stuck in a whirlwind of hate, while love is preached, but yet we feel no love at all.

I even forgot what love feels like. And I sense that I am on the path to re discover this feeling. But fuck me, its one hell of a fucking journey.

My heart goes out to those I have contact with who struggle just as much as I have the past 8 years.

I want so badly to just pull them up to where I am, but part of me realizes that they have to go through this. But I know there is some way I can help, I'm just still trying to figure that out.

What the fuck do you think is the real story of the Druids? The Witches? The mystics like Jesus, Zoroaster?

The Native Americans?

The indigenous peoples around the world?

Why the hell do you think Holistic practitioners seem to just disappear?

Why has science been fought against?

Why is there so much secrecy in governments around the world??

This is all a fucking game. But its a game thats hurting people at their core and I don't know what the fuck to do about it, except write this bull shit.

And make my life so personal to myself and not give a fuck what anyone thinks or says about it, that I can only do what I know is right for me.

Goddamn this splooge.

Happy fucking Sunday. I needed to get this shit out of me.

To my forgotten comrades, I feel you.

I know hope is bleak, I know you are stronger than anyone realizes, because you are still standing here.

If anything, hold onto the faith that fighting each day, taking the tiniest step forward will prove itself.

You're allowed to fail. Your allowed to give up 7 billion times, I know I did. But please, just fight another day.

I know it gets tiring. I know it becomes so fucking insane that you feel like you belong in an institution. I've been there....still there in some respects.

But you're not insane. You're just a descent human being who actually cares about people and this planet you live on.

Find the fire inside you, and take a purposeful step. Just do one thing each day that makes you feel good. Try your best to focus on what you know is good and right.

Its so easy to get caught up in the shit of everything around us. Case and point, this fucking blog post, haha.

There is so much good happening in the world even when it seems like that is the furthest thing from the truth. There are so many loving people in the world that really do care.

We live in a time where the insidious fuckery that has been playing out for the past who fucking knows how many years, has reached a point of fruition. Which tells me that it is now at a turning point. We either keep buying into the horse donkey shit, or switch our focus from what we are told to focus on, to what is good right and even more powerful than what we could ever imagine.

Magic is real. Just ask any religious person, who heart fully prays, about their prayers being answered. 

Jesus walked on water.

There is hands on healing even happening in our modern times, but you won't hear about it on main stream news. Ask yourself why and that's a whole other topic of shit fuckery to get into.

I love you. I feel you, you wandering soul.

Make peace with yourself and your own soul and the world will follow suit.

'La Loving Logan'