Monday, March 19, 2018

Changing the Focus, Changing the Paradigm

I gotta change it. I don't like that I get angry. But I know its a natural occurrence and it's worth feeling into it.

I ranted about how I see Christianity. Its just really hard sometimes to fully accept people when they don't even accept you for who you are. Me for who I am.

And maybe herein lies the dilemma.

Do I still fight against fully accepting myself? That question, who am I, is a confusing one for me still. Maybe not confusing, just extremely complex.

Complex because for me the simplest way I can answer the quesiont "who am I" is; I am soul. And what the fuck is soul but something eternal we don't actually know anything about, except what metaphysics and conjecturing tells us based on quantum reality. But at the core. We have no idea what the other side holds.

Thats why religion is still a thing. We as humans look for explanations for the things we cannot explain. That's where religion came from in the first place. Ascribing personalities to natural phenomenon that we didn't understand.

I'm not my name. I'm not my birth place. I'm not my interests and passions. These are manifestations of who I am. And who I am spans time and place.

Oh shit I'm getting metaphysical now.

But how does this relate to Christianity and my anger?

I don't know. I know I hold high ideals in my head of the way things should be.

Being existential can fuck me sometimes. But this is part of who I am.

To think and ponder things from an existential view point. To look for the greatest potential in every avenue and pursue that whether it goes along with conventional ways of thinking or not.

I see religion as antiquated. I believe it is antiquated. And maybe that's part of it. I believe religion as a whole thwarts individual human and social progress.

And that's why I get angry.

Its ok to be angry about this. But how can I work with it? How can I learn to accept it for what it is?

I know fighting against it won't do anything. I know that most Christians mean to do well.

Winning a soul to Jesus Christ is the ultimate path to saving the world. But does it really save the world?

I guess I interpret the things Jesus said in a different way too. Far from what I was taught he meant.


Sacred Geometry.

The Esccense Gospels, that no one seemed to talk about when I was a kid.

The historical moments within Christianity and how the religions came to be, I had to learn about after I left Bible school. They left the tid bits out that didn't line up with what they believed.

I keep going on tangents in my head getting angry.

Breathe...aaahhh, blah.

Changing the focus, changing the paradigm.

I'm focused on all the things about religion that I don't like. And this creates my paradigm. Not a bad thing. It has been this path I am on that has brought me to these different realizations about religion.

But I think its time that I learn how to change my perception from an angry one to a more loving one.

So what is it about religion that I enjoy. It does give people a path to follow that aligns with honesty and integrity.

There are those who take advantage and abuse the system of religion.

There are those who are descent human beings and do live in community with other religions. This I like. To be able to share a belief because of what we have in common.

And this is a shift here. Look for commonality instead of what separates us.


The tactic as old as war. Divide and conquer.

What separates us is what will divide us.

What is common among us is what will unite us.

EEEEhh, yeah!!!

What do I have in common with Christians.

And I feel like I should define the word Christian.

Christian - to be Christ like, a believer in Jesus the Christ and his teaching.

I believe in Jesus and his teachings. He said some good shit.

A Christian reaches out a hand and helps those in need.

I try my best to do so.

A Christian does their best not to judge others and accept everyone for who they are no matter what path they are on.

I do my best too.

We all believe in an after life.

We all believe in being kind an generous to people.

We all believe in a power greater than ourselves.

I think if I continue practicing changing my thoughts on this issue, to see what we hold in common, it may change the way I act around religious peoples.

Or maybe I'll stop being so angry about the differences.

Habits can be broken and new ones can be formed. Existential mother fucker.

To progress and human potential.

'La Loving Logan'

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Christianity and my Anger

I'm slightly worried about this one.

I try. I really do try my hardest to be loving and accepting of religion, specifically Christianity. But I seem to keep finding myself in a state of anger with it.

Its when I am subjected to it's nuances through conversation and being around those who profess faith in Christ that I sense the anger rise up in me.

And it's not so much that I have a problem with Jesus or his teachings. I have a problem with the disconnect from reality that I see.

Situations like the "War on Terrorism", get the fuck out of here!!

The Christian religion has become a blindfold to the reality of what is going on.

This isn't a war on radical Islamic terrorism. This is a war being fought for the rich fuckers greed over power money and oil.

Yet, somehow Christianity as a whole has been duped into thinking that this war is necessary. Even though the ten commandments say....don't kill???

And I know...I know most people are good heartened people. But I can't seem to get over this distasteful nuance of an idiosyncrasy.

And its not just Christianity I'm sure. The only reason I have a stigma with this religion is because it was shoved down my throat for the first 19 years of my life and I found myself questioning all of it, because none of it, except the practical teachings of Jesus, made sense.

I'm starting to hear Christians talk about the mysticism of faith like it's some wonderful new age finding coming back to us, sent to us by god in this time of trouble and heartache.

What you fail to realize is this is nothing new. And it's most definitely not exclusive to Christianity.

Christianity was born out of mysticism, just like every other religion. And where the fuck do you think all that mysticism went???

Maybe stop ignoring historical and scientific facts and your world might open up to a universe of knowledge that has been hidden and systematically tweaked to keep us in the dark.

You blame the devil. I blame the evil insidiousness and our fucking complacency to fight against such darkness, for being in the shit fucking state we are in now.

You find proof that your faith works cause you pray and magical things happen. Mother fuckers, praying is not synonymous with your religion.  Praying transcends all religions and all peoples and all times and all spaces.

Even atheists fucking pray. And they find proof that their faith works.

You want professions of faith in Jesus Christ, while that doesn't do anything to cure the world of evil.

You talk about supporting companies who don't accept gay people, like you're holier than fucking thou, pick up the stone you sinless fuck and throw it. Oh wait, you already did you judgmental prick.

I didn't realize your God said, "judge not unless you don't agree with them". Fuck off with your self righteous bull shit.

You buy into the rhetoric of "left wing", "right wing" believing everything your "christian" politicians tell you, even though they are so far removed from living a life according to Christian ideals.

You deny scientific facts that climate change is real, like you haven't been doing this for the past 500 years. revolves around the sun? Ring a bell anyone?

You brainwash and manipulate generations of children, and when we finally have a chance to think for ourselves we are so fucking lost in a world where reality is what it is, but we were told it was something entirely different. So now we get shit on left and right, lost in our own minds, fucked by the very people who are supposed to love us the most. And at the end of it all we have no where to turn because...ooh, we just can't get on board anymore with what you told us we should believe.

I'm one of these children, and I don't think you realize the fucking insanity we feel and go through. We feel alienated. We feel all alone. We have no idea how to express the fucking shit storm in our brains. And if we do find a little bravery in opening up to you about it. You sin against your God, judge the fuck out of us, and push us further and further away.

Now stuck in no man's land. Fighting for a gasp of air every day, trying so hard to hang on to a belief that life will get better.

I can only thank God, and no, its not your fucking Jesus Christ, that I have somehow been able to find some resemblance of sanity. And this sanity is more like, a way of coping and living day to day that actually has started bringing me joy.

But I can't tell you the number of people I run into, that struggle so fucking much and they feel like they have no where to turn to.

And it's always the same. We talk about getting a therapist, this might help. But I was always scared of being prescribed a pill, or stigmatized into a box of "having this dispostion, or that disposition".

Sometimes we turn to drugs and alcohol because it sure as hell beats turning to the one's we thought loved us, where you just judge us more and push us even further away.

Sometimes we think about pulling the trigger with a gun to our heads, cause FUCK  this goddamn insane thing we call a reality. Where everyone seems so ass fucking backwards and the world seems to shit on us every day we wake up.

Am I alone?? Is there more to life than feeling unloved and unwanted?

Another part of why it sucks donkey fucking balls is because we were taught something golden. We were taught how to treat people, even though half the time we see the opposite from those who are supposed to be our role models.

We were taught the fundamental tenants of faith and doing good works for others.

But then we don't understand the other half of the equation where you say demeaning things and cut other people down on the simple premise that they don't believe like you do. Or you don't agree with how they live their life.

We get stuck in a whirlwind of hate, while love is preached, but yet we feel no love at all.

I even forgot what love feels like. And I sense that I am on the path to re discover this feeling. But fuck me, its one hell of a fucking journey.

My heart goes out to those I have contact with who struggle just as much as I have the past 8 years.

I want so badly to just pull them up to where I am, but part of me realizes that they have to go through this. But I know there is some way I can help, I'm just still trying to figure that out.

What the fuck do you think is the real story of the Druids? The Witches? The mystics like Jesus, Zoroaster?

The Native Americans?

The indigenous peoples around the world?

Why the hell do you think Holistic practitioners seem to just disappear?

Why has science been fought against?

Why is there so much secrecy in governments around the world??

This is all a fucking game. But its a game thats hurting people at their core and I don't know what the fuck to do about it, except write this bull shit.

And make my life so personal to myself and not give a fuck what anyone thinks or says about it, that I can only do what I know is right for me.

Goddamn this splooge.

Happy fucking Sunday. I needed to get this shit out of me.

To my forgotten comrades, I feel you.

I know hope is bleak, I know you are stronger than anyone realizes, because you are still standing here.

If anything, hold onto the faith that fighting each day, taking the tiniest step forward will prove itself.

You're allowed to fail. Your allowed to give up 7 billion times, I know I did. But please, just fight another day.

I know it gets tiring. I know it becomes so fucking insane that you feel like you belong in an institution. I've been there....still there in some respects.

But you're not insane. You're just a descent human being who actually cares about people and this planet you live on.

Find the fire inside you, and take a purposeful step. Just do one thing each day that makes you feel good. Try your best to focus on what you know is good and right.

Its so easy to get caught up in the shit of everything around us. Case and point, this fucking blog post, haha.

There is so much good happening in the world even when it seems like that is the furthest thing from the truth. There are so many loving people in the world that really do care.

We live in a time where the insidious fuckery that has been playing out for the past who fucking knows how many years, has reached a point of fruition. Which tells me that it is now at a turning point. We either keep buying into the horse donkey shit, or switch our focus from what we are told to focus on, to what is good right and even more powerful than what we could ever imagine.

Magic is real. Just ask any religious person, who heart fully prays, about their prayers being answered. 

Jesus walked on water.

There is hands on healing even happening in our modern times, but you won't hear about it on main stream news. Ask yourself why and that's a whole other topic of shit fuckery to get into.

I love you. I feel you, you wandering soul.

Make peace with yourself and your own soul and the world will follow suit.

'La Loving Logan'

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Control and something about an Ex

Its been a minute since I last wrote. And the past few days I have been thinking of what to focus on.

Control keeps coming to mind. I'm sure there is a healthy balance some where in control. How much to control, how much to give up to the goddamn universe.

I guess I keep seeing aspects in other peoples lives where control is an issue. Which makes me wonder, where in my life I have an issue with control.

And off the top of my head I think it has something to do with; wanting a committed relationship, like now. Somehow that nuance is tied to sex. I crave that closeness. And I don't even know what it all means.

All I do know, is that I keep catching myself looking for it. And I think it has been clouding my judgment maybe. There is this bouncing back and forth between 2 extremes.

Carrying myself in a manner conducive with finding a mate, and then finding myself in a situation where all sense goes out the window and I just want to fuck.

Not that I feel that either one of those extremes are bad or wrong in anyway. It just seems that they both clash with whats going on inside me.

It's a weird nuance of sorts. Like a poetic description of a euphoric sentiment, that cringes on the line of patience and fucking longing desire. Which drives me to look for the most immediate outlet of a wanton device.

Oh the fucking cycle.

I'm inclined to believe that its a spiraling array of experiences that feed into the learning of how to carry and handle myself.

Sometimes, like now, I want to excuse away the acts I have committed under the premise that "I was never taught", or by default "was sheltered to an extreme degree".

But where I use to maybe do that. I can't anymore. It doesn't do anything for anyone except continue the same cycle of shit. And yeah, maybe I'm a product of my environment. But that doesn't mean I can't become a new product of my new environment.

I still catch myself in moments of the fucking "crazies". That's a good word for it.

I did it the other night. But this time, I'm pretty sure I realized in the moment where it all came from. Though I didn't totally acknowledge what I had realized till a while later.

And its slightly odd, because she has been coming back to me more and more. The ghost of Christmas past. Or in this case the ghost of the first girl I ever fell in love with.

I'm under the impression, and I think I have heard it said before, but you never stop loving those you truly love. Which stands to reason that to "get over" or "get past" something like splitting ways with someone you love just takes time and a little effort and even at that, it still never goes away.

So here I am. 9 years later and she still pops in my head. I see her in the faces of strangers. I meet someone with her same name and its her face I see.

Quintessential really. It probably didn't help that I went back and read the little story I wrote about her a few years ago. But I became curious about previous writing from this blog and went back to the beginning just to see what I was writing.

And she was there. Just like she has been.

I got the "crazies" the other night too. I swear this girl looked exactly like here. And in the moment my head went bonkers.

The positive side is that I was able to bring sanity into the mix in a matter of a short moment. Which is a far cry from what the pattern use to be. I find it easier to talk about my shit with people.

A friend told me one time, "you have to talk your shit out with people, not so that they will understand you, but so you can get it out of you". And most normally as I talk my shit out with people I'm able to see what it is that I'm looking for as I release the thoughts and words.

So what does this have to do with control. I'm trying to control my circumstances to match the desire I feel on the inside.

A friend just sent me a, meme? I don't know, I'm not good with this new terminology and what it all means. It's a blank background with writing in the form of a picture. Instagram shit.

It said..."You can have it all when you allow divine timing to order your steps"

And I think maybe this is where I need to let go of control. Maybe focus this controlling energy towards myself and practice the art of non-attachment to my thoughts. Because it's only when I latch onto some random thought that I find myself in a crazy loop of... the "crazies".

Now that I'm thinking about it, it's way too obvious and slightly embarrassing. But i'm ok with it.

I'm still half asleep anyway, so I'm not entirely sure of what I'm writing. I'm sure about it. Just not sure if I'm making sense.

But it feels good. Thats all I know. Its the hedonist in me that makes me splooge on this here blog machine.

And I dig it.

I'm feeling less angry these days. I finally see light in my daily activities. I see potentials that are worth reaching for and are most definitely within my reach. 

I'm finding more confidence in random moments. I don't feel scrutinized, which only came from my own scrutiny of myself.

I do see the subtle hints at a random thought process, but I like my thought process. Sure it makes me dyslexic with concepts and word phrases sometimes. Sometimes I think in opposites, so I have to be extra careful depending on what situation I'm in. But mostly I find this nuance amusing.

I catch myself switching letters around in words; like Brisket should be Brikset. Idk, maybe that just comes with being bombarded with the same repetition of words at work. 

On a bright note, talking about focus and creating my reality. I have recently noticed a trend toward being paid for my art endeavors. Painting and writing. So I think I'll play with this and see where it takes me.

To being half asleep and splooging....ooh good morning.

Maybe it's not so much about giving up one thing or the other, but redirecting the energy of it into something useful. Like for me.

I like control. So instead of trying to control things I can't...duh!!! Focus the control on a part of me that could do some good with a little more control in my life.

I have also been praying for guidance as I practice the "art of non-attachment". Its totally helping.

So weird that I'm forming a habit of praying now. I use to despise prayer. Ha, I love it.

See ya.

'La Loving Logan'

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Judgmental Expecations

I have been having this thought. I wonder to myself if I can get into a writing flow about good shit.

Lately it's been about what ever comes my way that throws me for a loop; or I have a bad emotional day that makes me feel crazy.

But I wonder if I could write with the same intensity of feeling with good shieza. It seems odd from the get go to me.

But I keep coming back to this idea that life is what we focus on. And for me it's about making everyday better than the last, in the sense that I am co creator of my reality and I have the power to change whatever is in my life that I do not like.

For me, I will notice subtle nuances that strike me as being off.

For instance the other day. And I had just smoked a wee bit. More than I usally smoke. And I do know one thing, and it's that weed helps me feel. Not sure how that works molecularly or what not, but that's what it does for me.

So I also have come into an idea that I can feel the things I say more. Like my sense is heightened and I feel concreteness of what I say reverberate throughout my entire body, good or bad. Sometimes it's a feeling of embarrassment for what I did say.

The other night I was mopping at work and talking with a buddy and I won't play back the conversation, but the phrase that came out of my mouth was...

" I expect nothing but excellence". And though we were talking about women and dates, I realized I do this with everything. I create these lofty visions or expectations that can't possibly be met and then use that as a reason to disregard or discard what ever, or whoever it is that didn't meet these expectations.

Fucked up. I know.

But it's these little moments that give way to a rewiring of thought patterns for me. I see these subtle nuances and become aware and then have the capability to change what I do not like.

So I thought for a day about it. And I feel like expectations are tied to judgments. Its like a backdoor way of judging people and circumstances without feeling like I was judging. But at the heart of this situation, that is simply what I was doing.

And let me tell you, it makes me a lonely mother fucker to live this way. In a sense I have created a habit of out-casting myself.

It's funny, because I have this belief that everyone and everything within my reality is a reflection of myself. So I can use what I see in other people and situations as a looking glass to peer deep within my own soul and psyche.

I basically psycho-analyze myself. Carl Jung...thank you. I think he refers to it as the process of individuation. Which can happen in many plethora of ways. This is just how I go about doing it.

I want to focus on whats good.

So, then I start thinking about what the opposite of expectation is. Because for me, I need a word. I need a concept that I can work with. It's not enough for me to just acknowledge that I judge people or have lofty ridiculous expectations.

I have to have a way of redefining the pattern that I have become accustomed to.

So I look up antonyms for the word expectation. I see nothing I like.

I have a realizations that my expectations are linked to judgement.

So how can I side step this habit, what is it that would help me see people and places and circumstances in a new light??

So then I'm doing yoga, with a notepad and pen next to me, ready for any insights that might come while I'm in a deep groin stretch.

And voila, with the 'chill electronic' music station playing, while doing a 1/8th split pose...what ever the fuck that is, I come up with this.

"Instead of having expectations, have wonder and curiosity"

"I can open my world up to everyone, by being curios of their world"

And I can remember seeing life this way. I remember how I saw people as whole other universes to explore. Get inside their minds and pick at all the exciting things and learn about their perceptions and beliefs and interests that drive them.

Then somewhere along the way I started building these walls. I thought people were out to hurt me. I thought I was being hurt by everyone else. When really, it was me being a victim of my circumstances. I started losing that ability to stand in awe and wonder of someone else and began creating systematic operations for failure in my head, so that I could justify not trusting anyone.

I slowly pushed everyone away.

Till I stood all alone on a high fucking mountain with no one around me.

That's fucked up.

But I thank the Great Spirit and my higher conscious and my higher self and some fucking dude names Traun for the opportunity to become aware of my insecurities. I am grateful for the wherewithal to be able to change my habits and create a more open and free loving environment for myself.

I use to see people as whole other worlds to explore. Mind, interests, passions and quirks of insight.

Which just plays into the whole mirror idea. And this mirror idea is based on attitude and intentions. Emotions and focus. Its not enough to think a thought. or even say a word, its the attitude, the emotion behind the thought and word that creates the ripples in the quantum field of serendipitous reality.

The intention and what we focus on adds to the culmination of our perceived reality.

So I by default become an active creator in the reality that is mine. So I have to take account and be aware of everything.

So when I feel something come out of nowhere and strike me in some interesting way, I pay attention.

In this instance, I said something out loud that didn't resonate with my true nature. So I go about finding ways to change it.

To being more open with my heart. To breaking down these walls that I have built. To cultivating a greater sense of connection with the world around me.

This felt ok. I feel solid in my center right now.

'La Loving Logan'

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Karma Bit Me

It hit me. The feeling of losing a friend I guess.

Strait up. I got a text. And she said, "adios". 

The most troubling part for me is, I have done this to a friend before. 

This is where karma comes into play. Experiencing both sides of a situation. 

I had no idea what I was doing. And I don't regret cutting ties, I just don't like how I went about doing it. But I never realized what kind of hurt I had caused till last night.

And my friend saying she can't communicate with me anymore is only half of it.

I know I can't assume responsibility for what happened. But when I was the one that connected 2 friends and then one friend gets threatened because the other friend keeps inviting certain people into her life; I feel a bit responsible for it. 

I feel bad. Its like a pit in my stomach. I don't like that it happened. I can't control it. I know it's not my fault, but there is still that nagging sense that it was me who brought them together. 

Anyways, friend says she can't talk to me anymore. Safety reasons. Which is a bit understandable given the circumstances. One friend was threatened by a crazy mofo for simply having a conversation with my friend. 

Ugh. I don't know how to get this one out of me. 

How do I feel right now? 

Sad. Angry. 

Remorse from realizing what kind of hurt I caused a friend I was really really close with a few years ago. 

They say not to dwell on the past. Let things be, let them play out. But I don't know. Feelings come, emotions take over and I can't just let them be. To let them be means I sit in that space for 2 or 3 days until the feelings subside and I can feel somewhat normal again. 

So I write here. 

The past week has been weird. In like a good kind of reassurance, standing my ground in who I am kind of way. 

Some say hold back. Or at least that's what I interpreted them to say. 

Some imply I need professional help. I probably do. But honestly, I don't think it would help. 

This helps me. A friend told me writing is thinking. So I write, I think, I process what I am feeling. 

I felt like crying earlier. But of course, didn't. Its almost like my eyes have forgotten how to cry. I feel the tears there, but nothing comes. 

And I wasn't even that close to this friend. We shared a lot of commonality. She was there for me in a time of transition and need. We were open with each other and were able to bring each other up when we both needed encouragement. So I hold a special place for her. 

I can't get mad though. Like I said, I have done the same thing before. And that's what hurts the most. 

To recognize how I feel about this situation, and realize that it probably hurt a hundred times more when I wrote off my friend that was definitely at the top of the list of closest friends I had.

Karma's a bitch for sure. But at least shes true and right. 

It's also scary. I don't know what kind of danger my other friend might be in. 

And all this sits on me. I feel it in my chest, my stomach, my head, my eyes. There is a heaviness to it.

All I can do is breath into it. I have started becoming more accustomed to praying. Which is a bit unbelievable to me. I never use to pray, at least after I decided to leave religion.

Religion taught me how to pray, and that made absolutely no sense. All the prayers I heard were full of empty air. They still are for the most part. 

But its different for me now. I have found something that gives me feeling. A sense of belonging to a power greater than me, but within me. And I find solace in offering my troubles to this awareness.

Those who are concerned for me want to know that I believe in God. 

I love what my friend said to me today. - " Your complete misunderstanding of God is different my complete misunderstanding of God."

You pray to one thing, I pray to another. 

I believe I am God. I believe you are God.

So I have a duty, an obligation, a responsibility to take account of all that happens within my reality. 

So I can't just let things be. I may "over-analyze", but this is my strength. To be able to think in depth is somehow innate to who I am. I have to. It's not something I can just turn off. 

I conceptualize, I theorize, I pay attention to cycles and patterns that span generations and time spans on top of time spans. I look for the irregularities. I tweak what I can. I accept what I cannot change...for the most part. Working progress, lets say. 

I come into new understandings when I can see the whole picture. When I can conceptualize reasons for why this or why that.

So pardon me if my writing comes off as dark and fucked up. If you had seen me two years ago you probably would have called for an intervention.

Beer for breakfast just to feel, not feel, something. I don't know. Numbing myself to the pains of my own existence. Fighting every day, just to take a step forward which felt more like being stuck on a treadmill going no where. 

Seeing no point to anything I was doing. Feeling nothing but anger, and not actually knowing why I was angry. 

Feeling myself start to cry in the middle of the hallway at work. Screaming in my head at myself that I need to get my shit together. Stop this crying bullshit. 

So far from that now, yet not that far. But feeling soooo much healthier in my emotional meanderings. 

Unlearning, so I can relearn. Finding my own way. 

With open arms, letting karma come at me. Experiencing the flip side of the coin.

I'm grateful for this experience. It fosters a greater understanding of how to handle situations like this. It brings a new feeling into the sphere of awareness. And it's a weird one. I don't know what it is.

Its like a sad understanding of losing a friend, with an angry tone of remorseful recognition of my own part that I have played in the cycle of hurt. And a concrete knowing that it's these moments that bring me closer to who I am. Closer to wholeness. 

I should stop saying that. 

I am whole. I am complete. 

I'm just finding greater awareness of, synthesizing of, my completeness. 

So to loving fully and unconditionally. To letting the waves hit me as they so often do. All waves subside. Everything things flows in cycles. 

And I'm grateful for the opportunity to experience these emotional dynamics. [time: 2:22]

Such a long way from where I was. 

'La Loving Logan'

Friday, February 23, 2018

This Sex Thing Again

So I had somewhat of a realization last night. And I'm not entirely sure what it means. But it struck me, and I took note that it was important.

I was driving home from work. Took a micro dose of weed. For some reason started thinking about a couple situations with women.

I wrote about one already. The one where I didn't go on a date. Then there was another instance.

I got a number from a lady at work. A patron, not a co-worker.

And here is what I realized.

I evaluate everyone I meet on the basis of whether or not I would fuck them. And maybe we all have these thoughts. We're primal animals right, born to procreate. So, why wouldn't we.

But I think for me it is more along the detrimental lines.

I mean it makes sense. All I know is the stigma religion and society puts on sex.

What the fuck else am I supposed to think?!

Society tells me something ass fucking backwards, I don't even know what it's trying to say.

And religion taught me it was a dirty fucking thing to do. To be confined to marriage, and behind closed doors at that. Never to be talked about.

And so there is the double stigma. Thank you religion for fucking me in the head!!!

And society, you beautiful fucking bitch, thank you for being so....fucked!!


Ok. I feel better.

So anyways, these are my thoughts. I meet someone and immediately its would I fuck them. Should I be friends or fuck them. Can I be friends and fuck them. If we fuck, will it turn serious. Do I want to fuck this person if it does turn serious. Whos fucking who. Who am I fucking. No one. GODDAMN IT!! I need to fuck. Who can I fuck.

And the fucking fuck cycle goes on and on. Except now, I have developed somewhat of a courage to say no. But its more of a fight against myself to just hold back so I don't "fuck" any kind of relationship I have with any one up.

Because this is the pattern. As soon as I fuck. I lose interest. And that fucking sucks. I don't know why. Probably a pattern I created over the past 6 years, cause, whats a boy going to do when hes been told his whole life sex is this horrible disgusting thing, PORN, Dicks, Ass,....

Oh, I like what I see. Balls to the walls exploration, fuck everyone and everything!!!

Haha, holy shit, I'm fucked.

So yeah, I see a women that I logically analyze (hahaha, now I'm seeing sex things everywhere...analyze....anal...get it?)

So I see a woman I logically analyze as being someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I create a disposition to Not fuck her. Cause if I do I'll lose interest.

Then I meet a woman I don't mind hanging out with, but don't see any future. So I fuck her. Then lose interest.

Dear god, this is really embarrassing. Fuck me.

God, so many fucks in this one.

So then that whole idea that I was embarrassed to not see, from the last post, about being friends first comes to mind.

And I saw the potential in it. But then there was the idea that I have to say no. And Jesus that seems extremely difficult.

And I don't know what any of this means.

I do know though. That I should probably focus on this friends thing. Yup.

I don't like how I have been treating women. I mean I have respect and would never intentionally treat a woman in a degrading way.

But looking at how I think right now. Fuck, its pretty cut and dry that I see them as an object....

oooh fuck...


I guess that's the issue. I don't see a human being full of love and life. I get caught up in my own selfish meanderings of my mind and boyish fucking ideas. Pun intended.

Uuugh, this is horse shit. I'm just happy that I can become aware of these things.

The act of simply coming into awareness of something changes the paradigm I believe. Because at least now the alternate thought can be ruminated on and explored.

Woman are beautiful creatures of love and life and should be explored from an inquisitive perspective of mind and emotion, in perspective with how much they are willing to express.

I still feel lost on this. But I am happy I see something new in it.

It is a struggle for me.

But I know something new will come out of this. It always does.


yay, to sex.

'La Loving Logan'

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

An Embarrassment

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I caught myself thinking in blog form. I was having a full on type session. Which is similar to a conversation with myself. I start yammering and I find myself way the fuck out in no mans land. Always curious things for sure.

I found myself wanting to write again. But at the same time I didn't want to.

I think it was another scare moment. Probably because its fucking embarrassing.  What happened over the past week, and then realizing what happened over the past week, then I had this moment of, uh, where I felt extremely embarrassed for myself. Fuck yeah, I'm dope at these run on sentences.

Its embarrassing because it super simple. I know I always say that. But this one is simple in terms of ...

I'm all trying to like describe it without telling you what actually happened.

Nothing horrible. Just no longer going on a date. Or didn't go, at this point. That's not the embarrassing part. The part I don't like is why. I know why now, I think.

I scared her off. For some reason I get these thoughts in my head sometimes about some women that I meet, where it starts off as forever. Like, I totally bypass the friend stage and see a random ass future, and think, yeah I like what shes about. Lets just go all in on the first hand.

So I had spoken my intentions, which I think I talked about before. And half week later she changed her mind. But I didn't even realize what I was doing till I told me mum about it.

And this is where the light bulb goes on.

"Why don't you just be friends first"? she says.

mm. Yeah that actually makes sense. Which is sooooo fucking stupid. I guess I'm embarrassed about it because I don't understand why I do this. And shes not the first. There have been a good handful of chics where my head goes crazy. It obviously doesn't work out.

I don't know man. Thats how a lot of things go for me to. I just absolutely don't see it, till its too late or something crazy happens. Slightly scary. I won't lie.

Yeah. Idk. I guess thats where psychoanalyzing comes into play. Or maybe I do sit on the outskirts of the spectrum mentally. I think that sometimes.

Ok, a lot of times. And its not so much that I can't handle it. It just absolutely makes no sense a lot of times to me.

But I also think that's because I have developed tendencies to ignore my feelings. My deep seeded emotions.

I'm getting better at it. At noticing them. Allowing myself to feel them.

I actually expressed anger today to a friend. Through text, so I don't know if it totally counts. But I normally ignore, or side step...completely ignore what they are saying because I get angry. And I feel like saying anything in anger is not good for me.

But, today I thought maybe it might be an ok idea. So I decided to act differently on it. I don't feel bad about it. I didn't say anything hurtful. But I did say the words that were on my mind, text words. So I had to use exclamation points. And one time I used the voice to text, and it put asteriks on the word fucking. I didn't like that.

So I got more angry.


About getting more angry. But it did put asteriks and, I don't like that it does that.

You know something though, its strange. Cause I was actually able to let go of it, quite a bit. It still popped in my head a couple times throughout the night, but it was always less and less of a stress.

And by the end of the night when I was able to reply to her, yet again snide comment, I was calm and collected.

If she reads this, she might get mad about me saying "snide". I don't know why I think that, I just do.

I'll talk to her before she can ever read this, so it will be ok. Water under the goddamn fucking shit bridge. Amen

Why does doing this help? Someone told me the other day that writing is thinking. But it's more than just the writing.

Its the free flow of letting my thoughts go through a process with a focus. And then putting forth the option of people being able to see it.


So to embarrassment and being angry. I know more embarrassing moments will come. I know I'll get angry again. But I guess the embarrassment will teach me a lesson....again. And the anger.

Well, not gonna lie, I enjoy the anger sometimes. I like the way it feels. Probably because it's intense, and I like intense things. And experiencing an intense happy or glad moment doesn't seem to happen to often at this point.

Buuuut, I can see it changing. I like that.

oh, by the way.

It's 12:12 right now on

2+0+1+8= 11


2+2+2+2= 8

Fuck yeah! I like 2s and I like the number 8.

To infinity and the never ending cycle.

'La Loving Logan'