Sunday, May 14, 2017

Joke of Insanity

Cautious. Your realm is unconscious to deviance. Still yourself and ask. For what insanity? For we are all insane, crazed by our own cravings of wretched foolery. It's a fools game that even wise men play. The only difference is, the wise man knows he is insane. Insanity runs through his bones like a distressed monster screaming for a foothold on a thread of light. To escape? To rid himself of his demons? Maybe life will be normal upon a new dreams wake...but is that not insanity as well. There is no escape. Ponder the thoughts of madness and soon beauty emerges, terrifyingly so. Its rage of splendor encapsulates the darkness like a mother would shield her child from the horrors of war. Fucking war, such a waste of usueful energy and resources. Insanity? But I am my darkness. I am the demon in disguise classping my cold but somehow passioned hand around your warm neck. I am the god of insanity, and my rage breathes fires of my heart. A fire of anguish that defys depth. A fire of passion for expression. Does the namless one really care for us heathens? Or are we playing a game agaisnt ourselves? I prefer the latter, for if it weren't for a game to play, I would think my self to be sane.

Friday, February 10, 2017

My open letter to the social movements of our day.

A Plea For Humanity

To the Organizers and Leaders of:
    The Black Lives Matter Movement
    The Blue Lives Matter Movement
    The Women's Liberation Movement
    The Science March Movement
    The LGBTQ Rights Movement
    The No Dakota Access Pipeline Protest
    The Free Hugs Project

Within the heart of all humanity there is a desire for an opportunity to create happiness and wake up each day with a smile.

    I'm heart broken by the state of our world. Wars have become societal norm. Pictures and videos of malnourished children are almost accepted as normal. Most don't look at a fellow human and see an individual of light and friendly love, but a square with a set of check marks that we label them as. LGBTQ, black, white, brown, poor, rich, Republican, Democrat, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, mental, sick and the list goes on and on. We have become divided. I see a group of passionate people here, and they are fighting for human dignity. And I see a sect of people there fighting for human rights and dignity. The women's march is inspiring, The Black Lives Matter movement is inspiring. The Blue Lives Matter Movement is inspiring. The science community is banding together to fight the stifling of climate change data. It is hard for me to believe that the LGBTQ community is still fighting for their unalienable rights. It is so hard to stay truly happy in a heart broken world, where pain seems to permeate ever facet of society. Though I know good and positive things are happening, that is not where the focus is.  And it almost seems unfair to focus on only these positive stories that shed light in the darkness. When, for almost two-thirds of my life the world has been war torn. The poverty stricken and malnourished children wretch my heart out. We see refugees from war torn country's, that we invaded, as subhuman. The blatant disrespect for native and indigenous people everywhere is up hauling. I think of the Dakota access pipeline right now.

    But the thing is, I know humanity is not lost. I know and believe that the majority of life on this planet desires harmony, and wants to see things change towards love and respect for each other and this world we live in. We all want to see healthy, happy children dancing for a bright future. We all want an opportunity to pursue happiness on our terms. We all want to see celebrations of life and diversity because it is our diversity that creates beauty all around us. We all want to see the shimmer of a garden of Eden like we see in those remote places that thankfully haven't' been effected by forces of negativity. We all want peace. We all want to feel truly connected. We all want to love and to be loved. We all want the same thing.

    And the only thing keeping us from attaining our deepest desires is divisiveness. It is a tactic as old as time. Divide and conquer. I see beautiful  social movements rise form the heart ache of divided attitudes. I see these social movements working separate from each other. I see each of these loving movements stir up a passion in the hearts of mankind and create a spark of desire for change. Could you even fathom what would happen if all these sparks of light and love came together under one creed? For the love of humanity, let us unite! The Women's March rocked the world in January. The Black Lives Matter movement opened my eyes to mistreatment of my fellow man because of another divisive tactic. The Blue Lives Matter movement tells us that there still are men and women in blue who truly do care. The Pride Parades every year all over the world tell us that love and acceptance is the way of the future. The No Dakota Access Pipeline Protest tells us that we need to pay attention to how we treat our Earth and her inhabitants. The Free Hugs Project shows us that a simple act of kindness can change the heart of our fellow man.

    All these social movements are fighting symptoms of the same problem. And, when boiled down to a common factor, that problem is that we are divided. Even in our fight for equality there is an air of separation. This is a dogmatic perception ingrained in our minds and it leaves u at odds with each other. If we the people of Earth who desire unity can not come together and fight with each other and for each other, then we are no different than the minority who seeks to divide us.

    I speak as a simple Chicago boy, with a southern twist, an East coast attitude and a Southern California vibe. All I wish for is that we all come together. That we fight for our dying Earth which we are all an integral part of.  That we fight for simple human dignity. That we fight for justice. That we fight for equality. That we fight for love and not give into the narrative of fear. And, to take it a step further, may we write our own narrative that adamantly states; we are united; we are free; we are one race of our Earth and we demand righteous retribution!

    For the love of humanity let us unite! Let us write our own story of love and unity that I know we all hold dear to our hearts, and see in our minds eye.

    It is my hope that this open letter finds its way to the organizers and leaders of our social movement. Its is my desire that at the very least it starts a dialogue  for how we can all begin working together. It send chills down my spine to imagine the magnitude of what a diverse sea of people would look like, all with different passions, united under one cause. For the love of humanity, may we build each other up. May we march and fight for each other, with each other. May we accept and celebrate our differences. It does not matter if you hold to Republican ideals. I do not care if you affiliate with the Democratic party. The differences between Christianity and Islam and every other religion is something beautiful. The color of my skin does not set me apart from you, but simply means I'm an individual with unique features. It is funny because if we look inside ourselves, our hearts are all the same. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, a conscious rendering of a collective revolution. I do not like to assume, but I do not mind assuming here that this dream is the same in the hearts of all who read this.

    It comes down to what you focus on. For me, I choose to focus on light and love and what unites us. We are the majority. The world is full of love. Let us not despair and sing a chorus of Hallelujah. It is like that infamous song by our late Leonard Cohen. There are so many versus all seeming to say something different, but they all speak of a 'Hallelujah'. Let us come together with our differences and sing a Hallelujah. For the love of humanity, let us unite!

Sincerely Yours
A human being, concerned for the well-being of all and our home, Earth.

What if this darkness is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb? - Valarie Kaur

Monday, January 23, 2017

What Do I Believe? (A Stasis Between Being & Becoming)

I still feel stuck. Most days are bland, colorless or the meaning behind certain stimuli doesn't seem to exist.  There will be a day or two, or maybe even a week where I feel slightly elated to some extent, but then it starts all over. As I go through this,... I don't even know what to call it. Best I can describe it, it is some variation of a neurotic schizophrenic psychosis.

There is definitely a degree or neurosis. I have at least noticed a pattern in my thoughts that border on the line of depression. I feel anxiety most days and I have no idea where it comes from. The schizophrenia I notice in my attempts and desires to withdrawal.  The correlation between my own thoughts and my feelings is so far off center, I am only left confused in my obsessive compulsion to think. Think through the problem, reduce it to its most simplest form. Find common ground, make the connections and by default, find comfort in who I am and understanding in the essence of my nature. But the more I work backwards, which is what it feels like for me, the more confusing it seems to become. Once I reach a focal point, where I feel a spark of light should be, there is just another vast black empty space. Some tell me I need church. Some tell me I need God. Some tell me to just snap out of it, like its that simple. And thing is, I'm inclined to believe that it is that simple. That somewhere along the line I latched onto some comforting way of thought that may have helped me in that given moment of time, but now has evolved into an entire construct of convoluted self imposed renderings of what my life use to be like and and the emptiness I now feel.

Even while writing that last sentence I notice a trend in how I focus on the past and almost superimpose what my life should be like at the present, based on my perceptions of my circumstances. There is a fear of what I will become because I do not know who I am now. Its like a stasis of perpetual thought, waiting for that one surge of insightful brilliance to break the chains of an existential prison.

When insights first began coming to me they were profound in their existence, mostly because I perceived them as such, and it was my first experience with them. And perhaps it was also that I felt them more deeply back then. This thought has been presented to me on a couple of occasions and it makes sense, but it has taken me a moment to come to terms with it. The thought is this; It doesn't have to be profound. Simple enough and it usually is. I have to recognize this fact that when I speak of my existential manner, I am overlaying a moment of a deeply felt insight with future moments of insight that I may not even necessarily feel. That is to say, that I feel I have maybe ignored critical insights on the grounds that it didn't grasp my attention because it, "wasn't as profound as I thought it should be". Which is to say, that I didn't feel it the way I wanted to.

This has come to light because of something I noticed recently. I don't know what I believe. I know in my head. And if you asked me specifically, do you believe this or do you believe that, I would be able to answer most assuredly. But for me to simply state what I believe, I find difficult to do for various reasons. One, is the stigma I have against labels. I appreciate labels as far as they help bring understanding to a subject matter. But beyond this, as a species we have an affinity to attach ourselves to the label. We seem to enjoy taking ownership of the label instead of the actual ideology, process, or essence of what it is. Case and point, the man Jesus is labeled as the God of the Christians. You can argue he's the God of the universe or the world or whatever suites your fancy, that's besides my point. So now Jesus, a man, is labeled as being God. And labeled as the focal point of the Christian religion. Now you have an entire sect of people concerned about being labeled as a Christian and concerned with the standards of what that faith entails; and worshiping the "true God" which is obviously Jesus Christ. Given this way of thought, and creating attachments to a label, we now have this same sect of people focusing on what the label of being Christian means, instead of what it means to be a Christian. There is a focus of what the label of God too Jesus means instead of the truths that Jesus was teaching. This is where I feel the urge to prove creationism, or any other allegory or story of historical influence from the Bible comes into play. A step away from the paradoxical yet simple truths that Jesus wanted to teach the world turns to an attempt at maintaining an antiquated way of thought. And it is because of labels that one becomes stuck in the cycle of the same repetitive thought that has been at the forefront of Christian ideology for the past almost 2,000 years since the Council of Nicaea with the Emperor Constantine.

It may seem like I am veering off topic of what I believe. But to express what I believe I have to express the demolition of what I used to believe. I think of the words of Jesus, "love your neighbor" and I look outward and see a world where we don't love our neighbors. I think of the words of Jesus, "judge not, least ye be judged" and I look out into life and see a world of judgement. And It is told to me that not all Christians are like that. And I agree. But when I look at Christianity as one living organism at this time and history; I don't see a religion of love and acceptance. I don't see people who truly care for their neighbor. I see a people attached to the label of  "Christianity" and what that supposedly means in relation to society and her perfunctory concerns.

To be a Christian no longer means to be loving and accepting, and be in search of the highest good for mankind. To me, it means to associate with Republicans, another label. It means to judge those that don't adhere to life the same way you do; same sex marriage, Islam or any other religion, gender transcendence just to name a few. Most Christians bypass the simple truths of acceptance and love. Then use their God, Jesus Christ, as a crutch to afford them the ability to belittle another person's life simply because that life doesn't live up to the standards that Christianity has put forth. They say, "I'm not judging them, God is. I'm just pointing out where their wrong." Or, "I'm not judging them, I don't have a problem with how they want to live their life, but...." and then proceed to list all the reasons why they have a problem with it.

They use the argument, "its not natural." And I'm of course referring to the issue of gender roles and reproduction. But my question is to you, who made you omniscient about natural law? By the statement alone, "it's not natural", a Christian creates a hypocritical idea. Because, this statement assumes that there is a definite way that nature has to act in relation to gender roles. To which I say, have you ever watched the female preying-mantis kill, then eat her male counterpart? Does this fit in with your assumptions of natural law. What about the specie of female preying mantis that reproduce parthenogenetically? Or how about the countless occurrences in nature where in fact the same sex of a species copulate?

The old adages that use to be of service to your antiquated perception of reality no longer are of service to you. Science and technology has come along and posed a question to you. And it is at this point where I feel most people retreat and fail to pursue truth as it stands. I feel as though it is the fear of losing a grip on the entire construct of life so it seems. There is a construct of faith that has worked for the better part of 2,000 years but now something shows you an alternative and it becomes frightening. It is frightening because the initial thought is that this science and technology will dismantle the entire belief structure. And to a certain extent, it does.

 It is frightening. That is why I am where I am right now. Feeling lost in a world of hypocrisies, which is not just subjective to Christians. I see it everywhere. Mostly in my self, which I guess is why I see it everywhere. There is a dissociation between my thoughts and my words, and it is only through the kindness of another person calling me out on my bullshit, or as time elapses I notice an idiosyncratic trend that, with some time and effort, I can bring recognition to and make a course correction. The former of these two paths being the easiest for me.

So what about the demolition of what I use to believe? If it is not explicitly apparent yet, then you should know I grew up in a Christian home. I attended a fundamental independent Baptist Christian church every single Sunday and Wednesday for the first 20 years of my life. When I try to explain to people the degree of control I was subjected to growing up, they first make certain I wasn't Amish. Then, not having much else to relate too, the conclusion is stated as, I grew up in a cult. I like to put this out there so as to bring maybe a little understanding to the construct of my thoughts and subsequent circumstances. I use the issue of gender role as fore mentioned because for me this was the tipping point. That moment where I couldn't accept the teachings that I had been taught my entire life, because my experiences were not adding up to what I was taught.

As a child I actually believed that people who were gay were evil in a sense. They were committing the most gross acts against God. I actually believed that they had a psychological issue. I actually believed that at some point in their life they decided to stop liking the opposite sex and decided to like the same sex. Can you imagine my confusion when I broke away from the confines of parental rule and church subjugation, and started meeting real people. I actually had to sit new acquaintances down and ask those questions that seem so absurd to me now. I asked my friend and manager at PacSun, the store I worked at years ago, what he went through as a child. Him being an openly gay man, having grown up in Catholicism, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get a grasp on what exactly I was taught as a child. For he was not evil. He didn't seem to have some psychological issue. And the most confusing part for me, I seriously never understood the assumption that it was a conscious decision. In my mind, if you like women, you like women. If you like men, you like men. To randomly switch hit for whatever reason seemed far more unnatural to me to accept, than to accept that  being gay is a natural occurrence. And even writing this right now, it is hard for me to accept that this is still an issue in the 21st century. Even though only 8 years ago, I was of the same antiquated belief.

It was at this point that the entire construct of my belief system started being dismantled. I was talking to my mother the other day about this topic of what I believe and she asked me what I thought about it growing up. Looking back I even knew something wasn't right. It all seemed false in a way. I believed it because I had to. Or at least I thought I had to. Even my sister was the same way, though I think she had a better handle on the fact that things weren't exactly right.

Slowly, systematically everything started being stripped away. Christianity now had a personal stigma for me. I knew that there was an aspect to what I was taught that was false. But I also knew there was an aspect to what I was taught that was true. I didn't immediately disavow Christianity. I understood that the circumstance of my upbringing was extreme in its nature and that the sect of people I was a part of did not accurately represent the whole. I didn't want to turn away from what I was taught, I simply wanted a more rational understanding of life and an honest and kind approach to humanity than what I was subjected to. I attended new age Christian churches. I attended simple study groups. I thought maybe there would be something I could connect with and feel at home with, but I never found it. I began looking at other religions mostly of Eastern philosophy. I noticed how each religion was saying the same things at their core. I noticed the same stories woven throughout all religions. I worked back even further and realized that all religions were born out of mysticism. Which has somehow been reduced to only attainable by god, and all others who practice it are somehow evil practitioners of witch craft.

Jesus and his mysticism is found everywhere in the New Testament. He turned water to wine, walked on water, healed the blind man, fed thousands of people with a basket of fish and bread. Yet, the Christian will say Jesus was one-hundred percent man and one-hundred percent God; but they reserve those "miracles" as applicable to only God's omniscient power. But in my mind if Jesus was one-hundred percent man, how can you make a distinction between what Jesus did as man and what he did as God. Wouldn't it stand to reason that according to your argument of one-hundred percent man simultaneous with being one-hundred percent God, that what ever Jesus accomplished with his time on earth could also be accomplished by us as individuals as well? I hope the unfolding of my way of thought causes you to think. I never have been and never will be of the mindset to discredit one's belief system. It is not so much that your belief system will change but that the labels and attributes projected onto it will diminish. Its like I said before, there are common threads woven throughout every religion.

These common factors I saw as practical tenants for humanity. Be kind. Don't judge. Love your fellow man as you would love yourself. When I look at Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad they're teachings seem to overlap all saying the same things. And when I look at it from a different angle and realize that Jesus was never a Christian, Buddha was never a Buddhist, and Muhammad was never a Muslim it becomes apparent that these are in fact just different labels projected onto the same way of thought. That way of thought being a foundation for a life of meaning.

So now I have reached beyond the confines of religion. I do not and cannot adhere to a standardized way of being pertaining to one religion or the other, because I have transcended the superfluous aspect of it. I no longer see religion as a way of life but a construct of predetermined bylaws to adhere to, so as to maintain the label of that religion.

But what was I left with now? At this point there was no, and I believe it is fair to assume that there still is no God outside of myself. Christianity teaches God is outside of oneself. The term God is personified as a sentient being outside of one's own self, to which an individual is at the mercy of an influence outside of themselves. Buddhism teaches that God is no more apart from you as God is a part of you. Where Eastern philosophy differentiates is the focus on the journey inward. The belief that all life is an emanation from one's self. This is where Eastern and Western philosophy butt heads. Though it is changing, ever so slowly, with the new age of sciences beginning to study the baffling occurrences of the psyche. Carl Jung being at the forefront having lain  the ground work for what is to come.

This might be where my confusion starts to find knots. Its safe to say that I have chosen the path of the inward journey. But it is here that I am more lost than ever. There is no concrete step by step way to go about it. It is individualistic and ever so personal in its endeavor. And I have nothing more to say about this.

But what do I believe? I believe that beliefs are always changing. I believe in science. I believe in facts. I believe that everything is relative and individualistic. I believe that what is true today may not necessarily be true tomorrow. I believe that what I believe is always changing. Changing with the times and ripples of existence. There is no one way. I believe in science but even science is always changing. What was scientifically sound 500 years ago becomes antiquated and absurd on the premise of new science. And the findings 500 years from now will more than likely become just as antiquated. But it is from science that we become more aware of reality as it is.

Bottom line. I believe in energy. The entire construct of the universe is manifested by the use of energy. The screen that you are reading from right now is nothing more than subatomic particles moving about at such a high rate of vibration and frequency that a screen is manifested. Slow down the vibration and frequencies of the table you sit at and you can pass your hand through it. Einstein's formula E=Mc^2 tells us this. So if everything I perceive is just a manifestation of energy, then at what point can the line be drawn between what is possible and what is not. The answer that I was overwhelmingly left with was that no line can ever be drawn between what is possible and what is not. Because I believe that everything is a manifestation of energy being slowed down to a vibratory frequency that our finite human senses can perceive, I believe that anything is possible.

I think of how we can only see with our eyes a very small aspect of the spectrum of light, and I wonder what sort of realities exist beyond our senses. Science tell us that there is more to what we can see, hear, smell, taste and feel. Every religion tells us there is more to reality than what we perceive. Our dreams, the wonders of the psyche, old traditions, even mankind's history tells us there is more to life than what we think we know.

I believe in God. I believe that God is no more apart from me as much as God is a part of me. And to prove my faith in my perception of God, which can only be done by works as told in the book of James in the Holy Bible, I took the turn towards the journey inward. I believe the physical world, as I perceive it, is all energy. And to take it a step further, this energy emanates from God, and is immanent of God. To speak of God has always been difficult for me because God is such a relative term. What God is to one man, is something entirely different to another. And I am of the belief that any man's perception of God is no more right or wrong than his fellow man's. It is a matter of individualism and what works for you.

So, as simply as I understand myself in my convoluted way, I can now state what I believe. I believe in the possibility of anything. For, how can we put boundaries and restrictions on God and an energy that permeates all life, especially when we only perceive a slight fragment of the whole that is reality? I believe God dwells innate within all life, and that turning personal awareness inwards one will find an expansion of conscious awareness and a deeper appreciation in their personal perception of God, what ever that may be.

Of course having this system of belief where anything is possible opens the door for peculiar and wonderful things. And once I started acknowledging the planes of existence within a dimension and realizing the reality of dimensions there becomes this cosmological perception of reality. And to add a touch of Eastern philosophy I present to you a thought of the Yin and the Yang. Yin would be relative to the material world, the planes of existence within the dimensions of this universe. Yang would be the flip side pertaining to the spirit world, existence outside of perceived reality. And so it is even down to the most subatomic particle. There is a positive charge and a negative charge. A male to female. And if the mind is open enough, one may begin to see the correlations between Eastern philosophy to Western Religion to the new paradigm of thought in science that is upon us pertaining to the personal individual psyche.

Monday, January 16, 2017

From Antiquated Ideology, To Expressive Individuality

        Rites and rituals, they seem to all be gone. Or maybe not gone but have become so construed by our society that the essence of what they are has been cast by the way side. Maybe there are some that see things the way I do, but I do know I want change. I can even see its latent course beckoning for awareness. But I feel as though the dogmatic fight me because they themselves are afraid of the change. Time changes everything. To fight it just means you prolong the inevitable.  And I feel put in the dark because of your antiquated perceptions of grandeur that fell by the way side as soon as I realized religion was not all that it was told me to be. I felt put in the dark when I realized that our politics were a giant fucking game that the corruption of which only  hurts people on every level. I felt put in the dark when I realized I was utterly alone in fighting this abhorrent war between freedom of mind, thought, expression and the condescending energy snuffing vampires of the known world order. It is not hard to see. One just needs to slightly open the mind and entertain the notion of there actually being another idea that has been running rampant  beneath the shadows of your perceived cognitive reality.

         You my old friend, my teacher of wisdom, my mentor, my comfort in conversation, you have been duped and you are too afraid to acknowledge facts of life  and reality because you know, you know time has changed all and you don't know how to deal. But I have an idea.

         There is still a war being fought, one so egregious and distasteful yet it goes unnoticed. It is masked by the narrative of a religious war, masked by the narrative of a false sense of security and belonging, masked by the narrative of divisiveness. We are all here. We are in one place. And if the magnitude of the grandeur of our place in this entire scheme we call the cosmos hasn't set in and caused you to second guess everything you have learned. Then you my friend are in for a lovely surprise. You can not stop it from happening. The war between the psyches will carry on to fruition. The war between the riff-raff and the opponents of self expression, the war between the psychologically fucked who have no idea where to turn to and the money hungry sociopaths who purposely manipulate reality to maintain a state of stagnation will continue onward. It is real. It is present.

        I understand your sacrifice. I understand that there were real threats in your time that the world came together on, in one accord, and conquered. So why can you not see that my generation sees the same thing in a new light. We demand freedom. But it is a freedom never imagined by your limited perceptions of reality. We demand freedom of mind. We demand freedom of expression. I demand the freedom to be who I feel I truly am at my core and I can not sit idle any longer. Maybe part of the problem is that I feel I am fighting on multiple fronts. I am tired. Tired of the same thing year in and year out. I am tired of the slow downward spiral of our once great society. I want change. I crave change. And I am fought at every step of the way. My generation begs for just an inch because with that inch we will explode into a million miles of freedom and expression in a way that no world in our known universe has ever leaped in a quantum way. We do cherish. We do love. We do care. What seems to be unfortunate for you my elders, is that we do these things far differently than you could possibly imagine with your limited way of thought. We care, so let us. We love deeply, so let us. Or, as time has always foretold, we will rise from the ashes of what lies in time's wake. And from the precipice of a new era, what you fought to maintain will once again be changed just like every preceding generation has done.

        What I'm trying to say is that I wish you would cultivate our loving visions of grandeur with us and stop fighting the change that is inevitable.

Most often when I sit to write, I find little insights that jump out at me. In doing so here I began to notice a pattern of projection in a way. Sometimes, to mask my own inadequacies, which are miss conceptions in my own rite,  I adopt a mental setting that everyone feels how I do. From here I use words like we, they, us. If I go back and change the words to fit with a more personal ownership of the message being given, then I notice that I am not so far removed from the action that I call for. I speak of being afraid, or being fought against. But what I truly deep down mean to say, is that I am afraid. I fight against myself. And once the turn from an external perception looks towards myself, I empower myself with the ability to attain what I innately seek. It most always comes down to excuses. Excuses that keep me in the same spot, never taking a step towards that one idea that plagues my mind every single day. Why? Simply put, I allow my rational mind to create a subjugating reason for an irrational feeling of intuition that stirs my soul. Or more simply and pertinently put, I do not accept myself for the being that I know I am. How ever I choose to look at it, the final result for me, is to stop ignoring those cravings of expression. I think differently than most. I see the world through a morphological lens. I am a purist and an extremist in my own rite. I am a visionary. I am a writer. I am a poet. I am mystically mystified. I am a healer. 
I seek to feel. I seek to express. And by this avenue I will tell my story. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

I am the Kryptonite

Nothing can take Superman down. The power, the force of nature, the heroine, the suave, the enchanted...not a damn thing except kryptonite. Have you ever been referred to as someone's kryptonite?  I have. Sometimes I think I only feel hurt and pain. Like nothing else would register unless on the spectrum of agony. I feel more at home there most times and this scares me. Like the only thing I recognize is the dirty grunge of a hollow soul, my soul. The empty cries echo off the walls of forgotten misery, I ache for a longing that I won't allow myself to feel and in the wake of it all.... a love so pure, so raw,....and I refused to see it. So what does the kryptonite feel? A beautiful emerald green, power so forceful the sands of time bow to its fury. But, it only knows to be, to stay true. And even in the honesty of its own  existence, a way still seems to find the destruction that it can cause. Like Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Even now, I feel stoic. Like I'm not supposed to let it bother me. I'm the kyrptonite? But you're Superman. I never wanted to hurt you. But the more I hurt you, the more I wanted to get close to you, but here in lies my goddamn dilemma. The closer I get to you, the more I hurt you. Like a backwards fairy tale, the monster comes out to play. Screams BOO before the  act ever gets past scene one. You're a god. We agreed upon it. Maybe it was just the idea of you. Maybe I'm so lost to my own cravings that I falsified who I am. And for that I am sorry. I'm the kyrptonite, not the evil villain. I never wanted to hurt you, I never want to see you cry but I could see all the tears as you fought them back,...just like Superman would. I forgot what love was like, so much so, that when it was standing right in front of me I couldn't recognize it. Fuck!! Its my goddamn paradox, its my worst nightmare. What I longed for was staring me in the face and I didn't know how to deal. I feel so lost most days. I don't know how to articulate what I feel. I don't understand it. I want to, so bad I want to. And the thing is...I do. I know that now. You were right on everything. I know I feel, but I'm still lost as to what it is that I feel. You said you loved me. I fought back tears. Waited till you were gone and I screamed. I screamed for agony's sake. I screamed for confusion's sake. I screamed to bring credence to the tears I felt run down my face. And in the midst of my chaos...I still did not know why I cried. Those three words pierced my heart. But maybe kryptonite is never supposed to understand the pain it brings. Maybe that is the sole endeavor of its existence. And if that is true, I can learn to be ok with it. I learn to be ok with everything. I do love you. In my own fucked up way, I do. I won't sense the softness in your eyes that seemed to reflect the kryptonites green shimmers. I won't feel the passion of your gentle touch as you caress my face. I won't feel the artistic reverberations of ecstasy as we entwine in loves passionate embrace. I can see it. Maybe at most I can feel the essence of it. I can break it down and know how you must feel, but I won't understand it. I said things because I wanted them to be true. And in their essence they were. They did become true. To you they did. And while the truth was presumably staring me in the face I continued to search high and low, through every nook and cranny for that feedback loop of conscious rendering. But there was nothing. Like a black-hole that allows not one photon of light to escapes its reaches I was hell bent on destroying you. I am your kryptonite. You reached my heart. With your unadulterated love you showed me what I am, for who I am. You crept through the walls, the barriers of existence to get a glimpse of my heart and you saw me. Your kryptonite. You can't be near me, and you shouldn't. You said you didn't know if time will tell. Which is your way of not entirely giving up hope. And I see this. So, one day when you find yourself risen above the entire world like the god you are. And you have learned to harness the power of kryptonite. If you will have me....

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Lost Angels of Love, a continuation

I can't say for certain why I choose to write such things down. Some times I believe that it is because I enjoy revisiting the feelings of what it once was. Some times I feel that it helps me to come to terms with what I know is of a surety. Some times, there is no reason except, that I feel the urge and need to do so. It could be that it is all of these within the same reason. What ever the reason maybe, I do know, that in putting words to my anguish, my grief, my triumph, my passion, my never dying love for those that I truly fall in love with, it helps me to see things more clearly. In a sense get the thoughts that plague my mind, out of my head.

It happened quite suddenly. In a completely different way than my first experience with love. I had met her several years before, in the midst of my struggle with the repressed emotions of my first lost love. But even in that moment of time, there was something special, something invigoratingly different  about her. Different from all the other girls, than those that I was finding interest in. She was simple, bright in her complexion, which in my opinion stemmed from her undying perception of the beauty of life. Her smile, if every light in the universe were to be expelled, I know her smile alone would illuminate all that exists. She seemed shy, but most definitely wasn't. Reserved, I guess would be more appropriate. Care free, just down right gorgeous, yet, for some reason I never made a move on her as I would with the other girls. The only move I did make was to be real with her. Just simply, to have a conversation with this angel of a being. I didn't want anything more. Not because I was scared or nervous, but because deep down I knew I was not worthy of such a woman. The person that I was at that time, would not have been fair, or mindful of such a rare beauty of a flower. And that is what she was, a flower child, I think that is how she put it one time, and it made perfect sense. I get disappointed with myself when I can not remember with certainty such things.

Our interaction was minimal. We met in psychology class and talked on maybe a total of three occasions. And, that was it. I never saw her again, and we never chatted except for a random time or two over Facebook. A quick hello, and a general catch up on life, but nothing ever sparked. Just the illuminating remembrance of a beautiful woman with a captivating smile.

It was not until years later, about three to be exact. And not until I had fully, finally, let go of the love I once knew from four years before, that my interaction with this glory of a woman sparked an undying interest in my mind. A Facebook post about dance and poetry, and a couple days later we were talking about our passions. She had just fallen in love with dance. A way to express herself, a way to tell the story of her soul. Oh, how it made her come to life. Though she lived in Tennessee and I in California, I feel her energy of emotions that she put into her new found passion. Only a year before she was wishing she could be on the stage. And sure enough, she had done it. And this was just the beginning of my exploration of her mind. To see and feel passion so raw in the context of expressing ones soul, touches me at the center of who I am. It was my writing that she wanted to use for her dance project. I felt honored. Not only did she appreciate and understand what I wrote, but, wanted to use in such a way that I knew that it was exactly what it was written for. I slowly, with guarded mindfulness began to fall in love with her. Several time I thought to myself, I should not talk to her as often as was happening. What was to come of it? Living so far apart, there is no way anything would come of it. But this is where I can not control myself, and I do not want to control myself. This feeling of wonder and amazement, she was awe inspiring. And we were just having conversations about real life. For the next few months it was texting and phone conversations of our passions, our beliefs, our introspection and how we look to better ourselves. The things she helped bring to light in myself, no one could have ever done. And vise-versa, she described it as though I was peeling back layer after layer of her own self that she was even to scared to visit on her own. The ideas that she worked through and I was able to see her through them, blew my mind. Her acceptance and at least attempt to understand what I believed had me gasping for air. For, there are not many people that I personally know that would even be able to keep up with how I see the world, I think of only two at this moment. Her grasp of a reality beyond this one had me falling harder and harder into the pit of love. Her mind, simply her mind had me craving her every word. Everything about her screamed beauty and tenderness. Her eyes, though I have not yet even to this day had the pleasure of gazing in her eyes in person. Just the mere picture of her, and a glimpse into her eyes, sent me on an emotional trip of wonder. Such soft, caring, passion raged in her beautiful blue eyes. I will never forget how they seemed to beckon to me to jump through time and space and be next to her. Just to hold her hand would have been all I needed.

I had dreams about her. One dream I waited for her, just to see her and be with her. The next day I shocked her by guessing what she had been dreaming about. But for me this seemed to make sense, since I was there in her dream. The connection with her was boundless. I know that even now it surpasses time and space. One does not go through such an emotional connection on such a level, and it have nothing to do with the eternity of your souls. I could feel her, I could sense her. Her bad days, were my bad days. Her uneasiness in a situation I could feel inside of me. So much raw energy, so much synchronicity in who we were. It was the fate of time and space, it was the stars aligning to bring us together. I was certain of this. And in many ways, I still believe and know that I am right.

I realize now that there is not much more I can say about her. It was only a few months of deep conversations and funny bantering, late into the night, that drew me into the depths of her lovely demise. You may say, you only talked for a few months, you were not in love. Then I say to you, you do not understand the love that I seek, and the love that I know I feel. You see, for me it is a choice of feeling and a feeling of choice. The feeling comes and I make the choice, the choice comes and I fall into the feeling. They play hand in hand. This is why it will wreck me to my core when I lose at this game of love. For at the time of expressing how I feel, I have come to realize that I have already made the choice. And when it comes to making the choice, I realize that I have already fallen in love. I do not fall in love, and then make a choice. Likewise I do not make a choice and then fall in love. I simply love passionately with my entire being, because I choose to.

Had I known what was to follow I may have done things differently, I may have done them exactly as I did. Sometimes I want to scream, and sometimes I would like to run, and not stop until I fall flat on my face in the misery of my heartache.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

'Lost Angels of Love' (A Journey of Expression) -an excerpt-

Perhaps it was her sleek raven hair falling down her back, like a dark silk glistening in the moonlight. Or, maybe her eyes that pierced through my soul with a fiery passion, yet captivated me with soft illuminating emotion, that caused me to fall in love at first sight. It was as if I were dreaming. I felt captured in a world of euphoria . My first love. That should explain it enough. The passion I felt for her was unmovable,  so much so I can still feel it to this day. For a year she  was my queen, bringing me higher and higher in a whirlwind of emotion, that I can only describe as love. I was young and passionate and had yet to experience her touch. Let alone any other woman's passionate embrace. Perhaps I was just na├»ve, or, so caught up in the feeling of passionate emotion that all I wanted was for her to be happy. Religion was the crucifix of my innocence. Adhering to the laws and standards of Christianity is what kept us apart. Not on an intellectual level that had only lured me in more to her sweet demise, But , kept us apart from experiencing love on a natural level. Sure, we had kissed, to our demise had anyone found out. I can still remember the time like it was yesterday.
Chicago in the dead of winter is beyond freezing. The crisp air off lake Michigan brings its own rendition of holiday cheer. The unrelenting cold seems to act as a magnet for lovers and non-lovers alike. Holding each other closely, allowing your intense body head, which only derives from the passionate love you feel to warm each other.
I was a pure romantic back then. planning everything down to the minute detail. I had been saving my dimes to give my girl a night on the town like only a nineteen year old could. dressed up like Johnny cash, I took her to the swankiest place I knew. A Brazilian steakhouse, it was done up with class and made me feel the same way. From there we walked around the big bean, taking in the sites. holding hands, which insanely enough was one of the few moments we were able to do so. For fear of being caught and shunned, for it was against the religion to touch before marriage. Never the less. The moment was beautiful. lightly snowing, sitting on a bench that was sure to freeze our asses clean off, talking with no care in the world but for each other. Sitting there, half shivering, but completely warm from holding her close, a midst the whoreish cold. It was hard to even hold a conversation, all I wanted to do was kiss her. I felt myself just staring at her lips. So inviting, like a warm crimson rose alone in a crisp cool field of lavender. My heart was pounding. from the pure nervousness of it. I did not move in for it. Fuck, never fear, the evening was not over.
I don't even remember what the movie was. It does not matter, I was in no way paying attention. Fish, That's all I remember. There were fish under water, and they, along with the man and his son to the right. were the sole witnesses of our, first kiss. There had never been a feeling like this before. Sure, I had kissed my first girlfriend and experienced my first kiss with her. But this, this was liberating, invigorating, and almost more than I could process. It was euphorically tender, sweet and soft. The taste of her lips caressed my passion, as the touch of her affection inspired a moment of complete inebriation of the senses. Lost in this world of purity and deep exhilaration, I never wanted to leave. But, my greatest fear would become my treachery.....

As the fleeting months whirred by, the distance of thousands of miles between us seemed not to affect our love in any negative light. Talking on the phone every night for hours only strengthened my affection for her beyond any feeling I had ever felt. Her voice became my addiction. Sweet and soft with a tender rasp, gently soothing with the purity of a southern accent. Imagining her beautiful lips move, smiling, as the conversations twisted and turned with random bantering. Which, always was the highlight of my day. A laugh, a joke, a serious word stemming from a day full of thought, ever anticipating what her answer might be. Never even the slightest thought of letting her go. The miles between us might have thought they could break us, or torn us apart like the wind might blow a leaf from the strongest tree. But our immortal connection was far greater than a million lifetimes of loving could conjure. Or so it is, that is how I felt. 

July brought on a whirlwind of thought like nothing I could have imagined. But it was my love for her, that my understanding for that fateful conversation was born out of. I wanted what she wanted. Nothing less, but always aspiring to give more. The call came in the afternoon. Little did I know, this particular afternoon contained the spark of a destructive self discovery. A taste of a freedom I had only heard of. Only seen from a far, through the lens of a disillusioned sheltered life.

The phone rang and upon seeing her name my heart skipped a million beats. 

"Hey you!!" The phone had barely begun to ring before I swiftly answered.

"Heeeeey." Came the sweet voice through the phone like only she could say it. 

All smiles, I was beaming. "Whats going on? How you doing?"

"I'm doing fine. How are you?" Her southern accent and slight rasp was enough to melt all the snow in the Rockies. Small talk was cut short as she got right to the point. One of the many reason why I was lured in to her loveliness. Speaking her mind, not in a demeaning manner. But, always with purpose and poise. 

"Soooo, I need to tell you something. And, just hear me out before you say anything." She said with a tinge of nervousness, but ever so rigidly.

"Ok?" The first moment of slight confusion started settling in. Hanging on to every word to hear what was so important.

"So, you know your my first boyfriend and all. And I know how I feel about you and how you feel about me. But I have been thinking and I just want to be absolutely sure about us." A slight pause.

"Ok, so what are you saying?" I replied very gently and tenderly.

"I want to take a break, just for a little bit. I'm not saying that I want to date anyone else I just want to be sure about us. Maybe just talk to other people. I just need to know for sure about us." She said very thoughtfully.

I surprisingly was not angry. Upset yes. But why would I not want her to be sure. This was not a game for her. Not a way of easing out of what we were or had. Her feelings were true and pure as were mine. And maybe it was odd, the fact that I seemed to understand what she was saying. But, I do not think so. The feelings I felt for her overrode any negativity of selfishness I could have felt at that moment. 

"I can understand that. But I just want you to know that I'm not going to talk to anyone else. I want you, and that is it, nothing more." I had no doubt of my longing desire to have her for ever.

The conversation ended just as quickly as it began. Agreeing not to contact each other, for the sake of her finding surety in us, and the profound powerful connection that we shared.

July was not over. And, it would not be until August that I would see my fading love. I felt as though the world were tearing me apart from the inside. As though my soul were burning me alive with a fervor of a thousand screams. Part of me, yes understood where she was coming from. But the darkness in me cried for retribution. What was to come of this moment of utter destruction? What was to come of me, being ripped from the purity of my emotions? Only the sun, coming and going tracking time, to the beat of a shattered heart would tell...

That month which changed everything about me, was spent exploring, experiencing life in a way I had never even dared to consider. I was that way though. Perhaps it was that pent up feeling. That, only grew stronger and stronger over the years of being sheltered from what I was told to be an evil dark world, full of sin and hate. That feeling, born of desire, driven by a lack of understanding, that welled up inside of me at the confrontation of this new found freedom. That freedom which allowed me to make a decision based solely on my innate desires, without the overwhelming influence to please this person, or attempt to not disappoint that person. Such a false way of living, which only drains a person. 

I did keep my promise. When I said I was not going to talk to anyone else, I meant it. I kept myself to exploring those vices that I heard preached against my entire life. Had my first beer, if I'm being honest it was quite gross. Partook of that "gateway drug" marijuana, which sadly did not take an effect on me at that time. But non the less, I was able to experience it for myself. Which is what I believe life is about, experiences. It was not the individual moments of being able to indulge, without the fear of who I may disappoint. But, the potential for where I saw it taking me. I could do anything. I could experience anything. I wanted to feel it all. That fateful conversation just weeks before was not just about feeling loss, but also a new path to discover who I am. Though I did not see it as such then. I saw it as a door being left wide open and the only way to go through it was to dive head long. To feel the rush of everything I had been shackled from for so long. 

August was here and I knew who I would see soon. My love had contacted me before she moved to Chicago, but it was through text to ask about some gossip. I had run into a gentleman that I knew was interested in her from before I knew her. I politely introduced myself as the one with, well at this moment, not with our common interest. Seeing how that is the only way he would know who I was. It was the truth, I was not playing games and as far as I knew, we were not together, on account of her choice, not mine. She asked if this was true. What of it anyway!? Why did it matter!? Was I supposed to lie, completely ignore our situation? The darkness inside me had been festering and I did not even realize it. I was so guarded and cold, it had crept in like a slow trickle of water that grows and grows into a mighty river giving no care to the path that it decimates. I wouldn't say I was, at that time, at the point of subtle rage. But the fear, which I had yet to identify was most definitely present. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to such agony again. I was becoming rigid and hardened to anything that was love.

Shortly after her arrival, she of course wanted to talk. Understandably so, but I was not looking forward to it. I already knew my decision. It was not based on emotion at that point. It was based on a systematic evaluation of the path that she was on, and the path that I was on. She was still into the whole religious aspect of Christianity, I on the other hand was far from interested in it anymore. Her family had high standards of living, I did not anymore. I could only see that life needed to be experienced for myself, and I knew that even if she tried, she was not going to be able to change my mind on the matter. And I dead sure did not want to bring her down with me. For that was inevitably what I was doing, heading down a path that I knew nothing of, except the fact that I was told to keep away from this path ever since I was a child.

Our meeting was more than dismal. It hurt. But, I knew what needed to be done. She tried to convince me that it was not up to her family who she wanted to be with. This was her argument, when I asked what her father would say if I walked up to him and told him with complete honesty the standard of living that I had chosen. She became angry with me when I mentioned that I felt I had wasted a year of my life at the Christian college that we had planned to both attend together. I was a year ahead of her and had hated almost every moment of being there the past year. This she did not understand, which only gave me more security in the decision I was making. 

The love of my life. The most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. And I had to say goodbye to her. I should have been more sad but my heart had become so black from fighting those feelings that only she could bring out in me. I did not want to feel that anymore. I did not want to hurt like I was hurting. But yet I still held on to the image of her, the essence of who she was. For years I held on to the idea that one day fate would bring us back together. That we would lead our separate paths and one day find ourselves staring at each other at a cross roads, ready to pick up where we left off. There was one such moment in time, several years later where my hopes seemed to come to fruition. But, the threads of time seemed to know better and my hopes were once again lost. To this day there has been none to bring forth those feelings that I felt back then. At times when I catch my mind wandering back to those days of youthful innocence I can still feel that longing desire, that lost love. My angel, my kryptonite, you taught me more than words can express. And its upon looking back that I can learn from the person that you are. Thank you for your unfettered love. No matter where time and space takes you, I will never cease to love you.