Sunday, July 22, 2018

Honest-key, No Apologies

He said, "but I think that's the key. Just be honest and don't apologize for it"

Its obvious, and I think most people know this. But to see it in a new light, sometimes I think we just need to hear it again, from someone else.

I can read it in a book. I can see it on instagram memes things. But then I hear someone say it to me and it changes the whole ball game.

I keep telling workmates that I struggle with talking to people, or struggle with the approach, or don't feel totally comfortable quite yet. And they look at me and say something along the lines of,
"your so charming though, I don't even see it", or "Whaaaat, people love you", "Your doing such a good job I didn't even realize.

Which makes me think, that maybe I am being too hard on myself.

And I love this idea, just be honest and don't apologize for it.

Its literally what I have been working towards. Cultivating a confidence where I don't feel the need to hide myself, or be so reserved that I question everything I say before I say it.

There is a fine line and a balance. Granted, I don't think I should just say what ever, even though I kinda do think I should be able to say what ever that pertains to me without any apologies.

Maybe that is the trick for me. create a dividing line between what I say about me and what I say about other people and situations.

Me, anything goes. Be me and don't be afraid to admit the things I do and feel.

When it comes to other people and situations. Just don't be mean or rude.

But I guess these both apply simultaneously in any given moment.

Settling in to another way of perception and being. Consciousness grows and expands and newness is created.

Live free, die happy.

I use to be angry and say things from an angry place, which would upset people or offend them or make them angry.

And maybe that's another part of it. unlearning the habits of an angry mind, bringing myself back to that happy go lucky place of speaking from my loving and light filled heart.

Meditate on being happy go lucky and a light filled heart.

La Loving Logan

Saturday, July 21, 2018


Building confidence is like building anything. 

Start with a foundation, lay down some bricks of experience and putting colorful bricks out there that go against the grain of normalcy. 

Pretty soon, I have put myself out there in few random moments and there is this foundation of who I am sitting on the floor. 

Then I add a few more bricks and a few walls. I had to learn where to put the walls, cause sometimes I made them too thick, then had to knock them down, Then I made them of the wrong stuff, so had to knock them down. 

But eventually, I found the perfect wall to keep what I don't want out?? Or maybe to sort of hide what I don't want seen. 

But I still put some random ass windows in for peering out, to which I know peeople could peer in. But thats the vulnerabity part. And being vulnerable while I build cause I'm swinging a hammer and my back is to the world maybe, or maybe I can see all around me, but I'm preoccupied with building this personal thing called confidence.

And pretty soon, I'm pretty strong and got a firm structure of who I am all around me. A roof comes with more time and experience. 

Then I get to decorate and put pretty flowery things all over the place and paint the walls a goddamn bright fucking color. Cause rainbows and unicorns bitch.

When I change who I am so drastically and so many times over the course of just a few years. I guess what I need to accept and realize is that my confidence in who I am changes. 

Because here is this new person I don't totally know or understand, and that is ok. But give it time and I will become more aware of my personality. More confident in the newness of my being. 

I can't expect to just be 100% understanding of all I have changed to be. Understanding takes time. Self love, and respect and openness will go a long way. 

Be Free, Be Me.

I've noticed more confidence at work in talking to people. I approach more. It just takes time, that seem to be the common theme. The more I put myself out there and lay those random brick in front of me, the more I find inner confidence in who I am. 

Its all good. 

La Loving Logan

Friday, July 20, 2018

Dead Sheep

broken arrows and broken dreams fly through air as the sheep sing.

Nothing is there for their taking so they bah, they bah as the arrows and dreams kill them dead.

A beautiful meadow full of fluff and read dead blood.

A beautiful meadow full of heart ache and loss.

Loss of a mind, loss of a choice, loss of a fear that was once alive in their voice.

But  none of which did anything to fight against the fear,

None of which could even grasp freedom by the ear.

I hold on to this image of serene peace and quantum healing.

I hold onto this love that I know can be, I can see, I can feel, I truly just want to be.

So here I am I stand. A choice I make I can. To be free to be me, to let loose of self judging gravity.

Fly to the moon and look back at earth, fit in the palm of my hand.

La Loving Logan

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Stream Line,

I am sitting here, pondering, reading, thinking of existential nuances.

I saw a question, "If you believe there is no God, then who created the universe?"

That's assuming that God, or someone, or something created the universe. Maybe nothing created the universe and its all self evolving and we are just byproducts of a well organized machine, powered by the dark matter that connects us all.

Maybe there is an intelligence created by a group of beings that was coded into the fabric of reality that created us.

Maybe we don't actually exist.

Maybe all of this is a simulation and we are characters in someone else's story.

Maybe we are just fucked and our universe is going to tumble over the edge of a multiverse into the abyss of everything-ness that looks like nothing-ness.

Maybe Jesus had it right, and Christians got it wrong.

Maybe Buddha should have gotten angry, and yelled his teachings.

Maybe life isn't as complicated as it seems, and we have just been lied to and fed horse shit to chew on.

Its all relative says Einstein.

La Loving Logan

Honing In On Specific Beliefs

So I can get specific.

I believe in astrology, that the planets do affect us in various ways.

I believe in sustainability, waste not want not.

I believe in a collective consciousness, we all co write this reality together.

I believe in personal responsibility, that my actions affect not only my self but others as well.

I believe in creating heaven here on earth, Nirvana is a state of mind, enlightenment is a life long process. To be enlightened is not to have arrived, but to have realized something new.

I believe humanity has been lied to for a very long time.

I believe there is an insidious agenda to numb and dumb society.

I believe we have the power to take control back, we just have to take control back of ourselves and our own thoughts.

I believe in moderation, that it is key.

I believe in learning to love myself first, and in turn I will know how to love others best.

I started thinking of all the things I believe in after I wrote yesterday. I realized that I can't prescribe to a certain sect of religion or anything and that there isn't a complete construct for what I believe. But I believe in a different things as they fit my fancy.

But the big picture, is that I believe in being the best we can be in all areas with balance and moderation.

So now I start thinking of time I go against my beliefs.

Do I do things in moderation at all times? No

Do I love myself first at all times? No

I have a lot of work to do. And I do believe that working towards these ideas that I believe in, are like building blocks. Each day builds on the last, and when I slip, it might cause me to have to walk back over the path I just created.

Which is funny, I just thought of neuro-plasticity. The creation of pathways in the brain when you learn something new.

Same idea, the more we keep pushing forward and going over old ground, even though it may be viewed as a loss of time or what not, the more these ideas and beliefs get ingrained in our minds and habits.

So I don't want to drink as much as I have been. I slow it down for a few days, then binge, I start over and go a few days longer, then slip. But each time I get back up and pursue what it is I truly want, the more the habit gets formed.

Judge no one, for everyone has their days when they go against who they are. Its about resilience and bouncing back and making more head way then you did the day before.

Be better than the day before and you'll become an expert in self reliance and  creating a life that you so desire.

La Loving Logan.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

When Asked; What Do I Believe

It seems to me that over the past 6 years my personal beliefs have changed quite a bit, several times. I find some new way of seeing the world and my belief construct changes.

And this has happened so much over the past few years that I don't even realize how lost I am in a solid belief structure.

I changes so quickly, that when someone ask me what I believe I find myself rethinking it all.

It has become more simplified and pointed, If I don't say so myself.

where I use to believe in a religion, I then believed in all religions.

Now, I believe in practicality and thoughts and actions moving on a continuum either towards light and love or towards dark and fear.

And this is based on how one perceives the world. One's light could be a different hue than another's, and no hue is more perfect than an another hue or shade of shadow.

Its all relative, but there are fundamental tenants of existence within this reality, and every religion spells them out. Be kind, treat others how you would be treated, pray, love yourself and God how ever you perceive God, and then love others.

I was asked this question last night about what I believe and I had to think for a moment. I didn't have a definitive answer off the cuff, like I still didn't know what I believe.

But maybe this is why some people come into our lives, to challenge us and keep us on our toes.

Its been a wild storm since 2011, though I didn't realize it was a wild storm till about 2013. Then it got even more crazy for me, but all necessary and worth it.

I made a statement the other day, that I would probably peak at age 40. And at the rate I am going, that might actually be the case. I am in no rush and in some instances such as now, I still feel as thought I am figuring out the basics of life and my ever changing belief structure.

And this is not a bad thing. I just notice sometimes how I have progressed in areas totally outside the spectrum of "normal". Where others may have progressed in relating to society and gaining what I would call street smarts or more simply just relating to society, I have skipped these classes and jumped strait to working towards understanding the metaphysical properties of reality. Faith, belief, prayer, spiritual practices.... I get lost in the nuances of interactions and social situations with people.

Probably mostly because I continue to change at an alarming rate and when I do come in contact with someone, I don't know how to relate how I did 2 seconds ago, because my entire perception of reality changed.

Then I, of course, over think things and probably self judge my own thoughts to the point where I don't want to say anything to anyone. But I don't want to do this.

I want to be free and open to express how I feel without feeling lost and thinking I will say something wrong.

Its finding that confidence in who I am as I change, and expressing my thoughts and feelings.

The more I express how I feel and what I think, through words and actions the more life will unfold in a relative way for me.

Something to think about, but not too much thinking. God damn it.

La Loving Logan

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

A Lesson In Vibing

Sweltering in endless thoughts of existentialism. I'm craving freedom from my own prison of subjective bars. dividing me between my own thoughts of fear and the freedom to be and love and express.

I find myself lost in doing things that I don't want to do, for the pleasure of trying to be in the moment. But that is the catch isn't it. I shouldn't have to try to be in the moment.

I should just be in the moment. But being in the moment for me is different for being in the moment for others. If others would wish to drink to be drunk and be high on alcohol. I would wish to drink and be high on restfulness and wimsy of thoughts.

I want to lounge around the day and fall in the sand, having a feeling of deep relaxation. I want to wade in the water free of a come down. I want to fly in the sun and bake in her rays. I want to arrive back home early to cook a meal and read and binge tv all before midnight when I blow the lights out in the house.

Early rise, smell of salt, coffee fills the air. I mosey around, plop on the couch and curl up in a blanket and watch mindless tv, maybe read a book, maybe write, coffee, hell yeah.

Meandering through the day, half lost, half asleep, fully alive to the sounds, smells, tastes, nuances of life.

This is my idea of vacation.

Simply put. We weren't vibing. We were on separate playing field, but I attempted to play the same game with my own rules and it created a dissonance. It wasn't me.

I could'nt talk. I had nothing to say. I didn't know what to say. I was tired, I was lost, I was wishing for something else, unable to jump fully in to the moments of high and drunken revelry.

I condone it, for it may be what you want. I appreciate if for what it is. I guess I was done with it after the first night. I wanted to do something else, but that meant departing from the ship that you had set sail on and swimming back to shore, to lay on the beach and do nothing.

Difference of being.

I am very focused on raising personal vibration and it seems  to be an agenda that carries over from day to day. The more things that lower my vibration are thrown out the window, the higher and higher I become. But one day of a binger and I come crashing down, just to have to start almost all over.

Or maybe I am overthinking. I just know we weren't on the same page and that is fine. I just need to recognize the difference in interest and know that sometimes we wont vibe in certain situations.

Its just hard for me. Because I do consider you my closest friends. And to realize that things are different now and we have changed and grown apart, makes sense, but its hard to accept. My appreciation for you doesn't change and I will always consider you my friend, but I have to stop doing what I don't want to do.

Its really simple but hard to accept personally. We have different interests now. Our dynamic must change.

La Loving Logan