Monday, January 2, 2017

I am the Kryptonite

Nothing can take Superman down. The power, the force of nature, the heroine, the suave, the enchanted...not a damn thing except kryptonite. Have you ever been referred to as someone's kryptonite?  I have. Sometimes I think I only feel hurt and pain. Like nothing else would register unless on the spectrum of agony. I feel more at home there most times and this scares me. Like the only thing I recognize is the dirty grunge of a hollow soul, my soul. The empty cries echo off the walls of forgotten misery, I ache for a longing that I won't allow myself to feel and in the wake of it all.... a love so pure, so raw,....and I refused to see it. So what does the kryptonite feel? A beautiful emerald green, power so forceful the sands of time bow to its fury. But, it only knows to be, to stay true. And even in the honesty of its own  existence, a way still seems to find the destruction that it can cause. Like Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Even now, I feel stoic. Like I'm not supposed to let it bother me. I'm the kyrptonite? But you're Superman. I never wanted to hurt you. But the more I hurt you, the more I wanted to get close to you, but here in lies my goddamn dilemma. The closer I get to you, the more I hurt you. Like a backwards fairy tale, the monster comes out to play. Screams BOO before the  act ever gets past scene one. You're a god. We agreed upon it. Maybe it was just the idea of you. Maybe I'm so lost to my own cravings that I falsified who I am. And for that I am sorry. I'm the kyrptonite, not the evil villain. I never wanted to hurt you, I never want to see you cry but I could see all the tears as you fought them back,...just like Superman would. I forgot what love was like, so much so, that when it was standing right in front of me I couldn't recognize it. Fuck!! Its my goddamn paradox, its my worst nightmare. What I longed for was staring me in the face and I didn't know how to deal. I feel so lost most days. I don't know how to articulate what I feel. I don't understand it. I want to, so bad I want to. And the thing is...I do. I know that now. You were right on everything. I know I feel, but I'm still lost as to what it is that I feel. You said you loved me. I fought back tears. Waited till you were gone and I screamed. I screamed for agony's sake. I screamed for confusion's sake. I screamed to bring credence to the tears I felt run down my face. And in the midst of my chaos...I still did not know why I cried. Those three words pierced my heart. But maybe kryptonite is never supposed to understand the pain it brings. Maybe that is the sole endeavor of its existence. And if that is true, I can learn to be ok with it. I learn to be ok with everything. I do love you. In my own fucked up way, I do. I won't sense the softness in your eyes that seemed to reflect the kryptonites green shimmers. I won't feel the passion of your gentle touch as you caress my face. I won't feel the artistic reverberations of ecstasy as we entwine in loves passionate embrace. I can see it. Maybe at most I can feel the essence of it. I can break it down and know how you must feel, but I won't understand it. I said things because I wanted them to be true. And in their essence they were. They did become true. To you they did. And while the truth was presumably staring me in the face I continued to search high and low, through every nook and cranny for that feedback loop of conscious rendering. But there was nothing. Like a black-hole that allows not one photon of light to escapes its reaches I was hell bent on destroying you. I am your kryptonite. You reached my heart. With your unadulterated love you showed me what I am, for who I am. You crept through the walls, the barriers of existence to get a glimpse of my heart and you saw me. Your kryptonite. You can't be near me, and you shouldn't. You said you didn't know if time will tell. Which is your way of not entirely giving up hope. And I see this. So, one day when you find yourself risen above the entire world like the god you are. And you have learned to harness the power of kryptonite. If you will have me....

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