Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

I gotta change it. I don't like that I get angry. But I know its a natural occurrence and it's worth feeling into it. I ranted about how I see Christianity. Its just really hard sometimes to fully accept people when they don't even accept you for who you are. Me for who I am. And maybe herein lies the dilemma. Do I still fight against fully accepting myself? That question, who am I, is a confusing one for me still. Maybe not confusing, just extremely complex. Complex because for me the simplest way I can answer the quesiont "who am I" is; I am soul. And what the fuck is soul but something eternal we don't actually know anything about, except what metaphysics and conjecturing tells us based on quantum reality. But at the core. We have no idea what the other side holds. Thats why religion is still a thing. We as humans look for explanations for the things we cannot explain. That's where religion came from in the first place. Ascribing personalities...

I'm slightly worried about this one. I try. I really do try my hardest to be loving and accepting of religion, specifically Christianity. But I seem to keep finding myself in a state of anger with it. Its when I am subjected to it's nuances through conversation and being around those who profess faith in Christ that I sense the anger rise up in me. And it's not so much that I have a problem with Jesus or his teachings. I have a problem with the disconnect from reality that I see. Situations like the "War on Terrorism", get the fuck out of here!! The Christian religion has become a blindfold to the reality of what is going on. This isn't a war on radical Islamic terrorism. This is a war being fought for the rich fuckers greed over power money and oil. Yet, somehow Christianity as a whole has been duped into thinking that this war is necessary. Even though the ten commandments say....don't kill??? And I know...I know most people are good hear...

Its been a minute since I last wrote. And the past few days I have been thinking of what to focus on. Control keeps coming to mind. I'm sure there is a healthy balance some where in control. How much to control, how much to give up to the goddamn universe. I guess I keep seeing aspects in other peoples lives where control is an issue. Which makes me wonder, where in my life I have an issue with control. And off the top of my head I think it has something to do with; wanting a committed relationship, like now. Somehow that nuance is tied to sex. I crave that closeness. And I don't even know what it all means. All I do know, is that I keep catching myself looking for it. And I think it has been clouding my judgment maybe. There is this bouncing back and forth between 2 extremes. Carrying myself in a manner conducive with finding a mate, and then finding myself in a situation where all sense goes out the window and I just want to fuck. Not that I feel that either one o...

I have been having this thought. I wonder to myself if I can get into a writing flow about good shit. Lately it's been about what ever comes my way that throws me for a loop; or I have a bad emotional day that makes me feel crazy. But I wonder if I could write with the same intensity of feeling with good shieza. It seems odd from the get go to me. But I keep coming back to this idea that life is what we focus on. And for me it's about making everyday better than the last, in the sense that I am co creator of my reality and I have the power to change whatever is in my life that I do not like. For me, I will notice subtle nuances that strike me as being off. For instance the other day. And I had just smoked a wee bit. More than I usally smoke. And I do know one thing, and it's that weed helps me feel. Not sure how that works molecularly or what not, but that's what it does for me. So I also have come into an idea that I can feel the things I say more. Like my ...

It hit me. The feeling of losing a friend I guess. Strait up. I got a text. And she said, "adios".  The most troubling part for me is, I have done this to a friend before.  This is where karma comes into play. Experiencing both sides of a situation.  I had no idea what I was doing. And I don't regret cutting ties, I just don't like how I went about doing it. But I never realized what kind of hurt I had caused till last night. And my friend saying she can't communicate with me anymore is only half of it. I know I can't assume responsibility for what happened. But when I was the one that connected 2 friends and then one friend gets threatened because the other friend keeps inviting certain people into her life; I feel a bit responsible for it.  I feel bad. Its like a pit in my stomach. I don't like that it happened. I can't control it. I know it's not my fault, but there is still that nagging sense that it was me who broug...

So I had somewhat of a realization last night. And I'm not entirely sure what it means. But it struck me, and I took note that it was important. I was driving home from work. Took a micro dose of weed. For some reason started thinking about a couple situations with women. I wrote about one already. The one where I didn't go on a date. Then there was another instance. I got a number from a lady at work. A patron, not a co-worker. And here is what I realized. I evaluate everyone I meet on the basis of whether or not I would fuck them. And maybe we all have these thoughts. We're primal animals right, born to procreate. So, why wouldn't we. But I think for me it is more along the detrimental lines. I mean it makes sense. All I know is the stigma religion and society puts on sex. What the fuck else am I supposed to think?! Society tells me something ass fucking backwards, I don't even know what it's trying to say. And religion taught me it was a d...

I don't know where I'm going with this. I caught myself thinking in blog form. I was having a full on type session. Which is similar to a conversation with myself. I start yammering and I find myself way the fuck out in no mans land. Always curious things for sure. I found myself wanting to write again. But at the same time I didn't want to. I think it was another scare moment. Probably because its fucking embarrassing.  What happened over the past week, and then realizing what happened over the past week, then I had this moment of, uh, where I felt extremely embarrassed for myself. Fuck yeah, I'm dope at these run on sentences. Its embarrassing because it super simple. I know I always say that. But this one is simple in terms of ... fuck. I'm all trying to like describe it without telling you what actually happened. Nothing horrible. Just no longer going on a date. Or didn't go, at this point. That's not the embarrassing part. The part I don...