Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

Today feels different. I feel hollow. Like a giant tree, but in the center is just a cavern full of echos and darkness. But it's a tree, so it feels homely still, even in the midst of the craziness.  Mostly I'm just tired of hiding. Hiding? Maybe more like lying. Yes, I have been lying to you. Most of you. Ok, pretty much all of you except a chosen few that made me feel comfortable enough that I didn't mind exploding my shit on them. It use to be worse. I can see it getting better externally. But there are still those moments where I feel a void of shit anger and angst and anxiety about what?.... I don't even know. If I had written this a year or two ago, you would see blood dripping from the moon as it fell like crimson honey to the earth below. I would stare up at the stars that I couldn't quite make out through the haze and drink in the madness. There were days where I could barely make myself crawl out of bed. The only reason I did was because in order t...

Ever have those days where everything seems to flow just right? When even the hick-ups turn out to be perfect synchronicity with the next moment? Today seemed to be that day for me. Woke up later than I wanted. Didn't work out. Was feeling a little blocked, I remember thinking. In my solar plexus it just wasn't flowing as it normally feels. I did some writing this morning. I should read what I wrote. ... Hmm. Its interesting. In my writing I like to do this free write thing, where I write what comes to mind. Today I told myself to pay attention to the subtleties that I sense and feel. Acknowledge the fact that I don't actually know people for who they are. I haven't been around. I haven't been able to see them in their daily lives. And now I found myself carrying on like I never left. But Its been 6 years since I have seriously hung out with these people. And I know sure as hell I have changed. So it stands to reason that others have changed just as muc...

It was a random evening. From start to finish it was quite odd for me. I am a sensitive type. I know this. So I take into account for all the subtleties I feel. But usually, If Im feeling too many things at once, I tend to retreat into myself. This is when I go hibernate. First off, why the fuck is it still legal in some places to smoke your goddamn cigarettes inside?? This should have been my first clue; that out of all the places around town my buddy and his coworkers chose to go to, it was this gross fucking place they called a bar. And none of them even smoke cigarettes!!! WTF! I'm new to town, so I had no idea what I was getting into. But I could look passed it. I was there to have a good time, share a couple drinks and then bounce and go make music with my buddy. That never happened. Not only was I suffocating from the half dead old man sucking down the rest of his life away blowing smoke in my face, but also I regrettably decided to eat a bite of food...the food matche...

Yesterday was brilliant. I had searched for places to volunteer at before writing the last post and found a few I liked. After I wrote yesterdays post I new I needed to take action on volunteering, more than just sending an email of interest. So I went to Backstreet Art. As soon as I walked in a felt an air of comfort. I didn't feel tense or uneasy, it was smooth and relaxing. Everyone there maybe 14 people, were all doing something that has to do with art. Heidi came up to me and showed me around and everything they do. Painting, sketching, writing, art classes, leather working, art journaling, and so much more. This non-profit gears towards adults who have fallen on hard times. Its a place for people who don't have art in their life to come and in an open non judgmental place full of beautiful people, to freely express themselves. I immediately fell in love. I painted a heart on a little block, the first thing they suggest to new people when they walk in if they have no...

The focus must change. I set out on a knowledge rampage to figure out how things worked. Politics, education, earth cycles in nature from micro to macro, spirituality, health, all these and more; I spent the better part of 6 years systematically diving into areas that peaked my interest, that I didn’t understand. All I wanted was to know how it worked, so I could utilize these systems better for myself. What I have found is that I don’t like any of the systems. This is where I became lost, upset, angry, indignant, frustrated, sad, all culminating in a, “what the fuck is the point”, attitude. No knowing how to change anything because it is all so grossly messed up. Someone told me once, “you can either walk around jaded the rest of your life, or you can just pursue and enjoy what matters most”. I took this with an edge of disdain. I know that it’s simple like that. But for me, its so goddamn difficult to “let go” and move one per se. I saw all these fucked up systems as...

A writing for the sake of thoughts in mind and so what if they make no sense. Ok. I often think of things in an odd way. I want to see the entire picture, as it pertains to reality, as it exists. Maybe it is because I know my capability of getting lost in a dream world. I’m artsy fartsy and epic and poetic in a grandiose way. I loooooove Game of Thrones, Avatar, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Shannara Chronicles, put all these stories in one and mesh it beautifully, oh my god it be the modern day ‘Epic of Gilgamesh’. And no, I have never read the ‘Epic of Gilgamesh’. But I know it’s a thing. I am here.  I am always in my mind, there as I watch from this depth of security, I guess. This reason that plagues me sometimes, in having no idea how to make sense of  reality as it does stand. I mean I get it. But at the same time, no fucking way. I don’t know what to say. It seems hard even to explain. I don’t belong here. I don’t understand people. I see pote...