Mind Under Matter, or Madder, or Both. It's A Rant

A writing for the sake of thoughts in mind and so what if they make no sense. Ok.

I often think of things in an odd way. I want to see the entire picture, as it pertains to reality, as it exists. Maybe it is because I know my capability of getting lost in a dream world. I’m artsy fartsy and epic and poetic in a grandiose way. I loooooove Game of Thrones, Avatar, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Shannara Chronicles, put all these stories in one and mesh it beautifully, oh my god it be the modern day ‘Epic of Gilgamesh’. And no, I have never read the ‘Epic of Gilgamesh’. But I know it’s a thing.

I am here.  I am always in my mind, there as I watch from this depth of security, I guess. This reason that plagues me sometimes, in having no idea how to make sense of  reality as it does stand. I mean I get it. But at the same time, no fucking way. I don’t know what to say. It seems hard even to explain. I don’t belong here. I don’t understand people. I see potential for beautiful and wonderful things, while also seeing the most heinous of evils in the most simple of things in life.

 You go to the grocery store and buy and tomato, yum, no, delicious, no. Fuck no. I see that tomato and I see a fruit that has been massed produced on such an epic scale that I almost start to taste plastic in my mouth as I think about this. Not to mention our soil has been so over planted, most of the soil that this mass production is planted in has little to no nutritional qualities at all. You say, they have chemicals for that, gross. You say they breed the tomatoes to be full of nutrients and you can do things like this. Sure.  But there is something that everyone misses. Essence.

We all have it, its where that sixth sense comes from. It’s that energy that binds all living things. And seriously that fucking tomato is so god damn dead, I swear I can taste the death on it. I dare you, take a bite out of a local farmer’s tomato, one who grows in organic soil touched only by natures hand and maybe the natural remedies to keep pests at bay. Fed with love and nutrients that is given thanks for. Then take a bite of that goddam store bought tomato. You’ll see what I mean.

It is what it is. I see humanity as a dumb ass beast charging head strong strait for the cliff. Wars built on lies, lies built on lies, and history built on lies. Society becoming more and more dumb while we cut more and more funding to education here in America and throw billions of dollars at the futile fucked up wars. Which by the way, this fucking “war” we have been fighting. It’s been going on longer than both world wars combined. And people actually think it’s necessary. Jesus fuck, really? I don’t understand how we don’t recognize that it’s just a rich man’s ploy to maintain his power and control over money and oil. Which by the fucking way, the oil is part of the reason that we are in this shit mess with the climate anyway. Not the only reason, but a major factor for sure.

And this is what I see. I see it everywhere. In every facet of life it seems to permeate to the surface of my perception and I can’t escape it. My struggle is holding on to that futuristic potential that I know we as a species are capable of. It’s a simple change in focus, but it’s so fucking hard when I’m bombarded by fucking bullshit every fucking day. This is probably why I crave an existence alone, with only a few people that are tried and true. Those who understand depth of knowing. Those who hate small talk and love to go on and on in conversation about the depth of our oneness. The Essence. Change makers. Or people who just like to talk fucking shit. Mm, Amen.

It’s what the world is missing. Everyone has seemed to forget. Call it what you want. Christians believe it’s a bygone power reserved for Jesus Christ and that those miracles were of a bygone time and a bygone place. Cop out. Jesus is used as a crutch and an excuse to not do the hard work and make this fucking planet better.

Some call it magic and think it only exists in fairytales. Some call it gut instinct and believe it to be an antiquated ability no longer needed by us modern “civilized” species. Right, because we are the only animal on this planet that drinks another specie’s milk far beyond the age necessary for us. We bend mother earth over backwards and fuck her in the ass, somehow missing the fact that we are quite literally fucking our own bent over asses in the process. The political sphere….yeah, civilized for sure.

So what? What am I supposed to do? Like it’s my responsibility, but that’s where another predicament comes into play. I say predicament. It’s a simple choice really, one that isn’t really a choice, if you believe in the essence anyway. Cause even though I have been handed this shit on a silver fucking platter, somehow I still must take responsibility. For the simple fact that I see the shit I see, I have to take responsibility. It’s about acknowledging the fact that I have played a part. In some way shape or form, I had a hand in letting this shit get to this point. Maybe I have lived a hundred past lives on this planet, which I doubt. To which, I have made choices that fed into the culmination of this beautiful mess.

I never lived on earth by the way. I don’t believe I have. If I have, it was one life, and probably very short.

Most people scream at the government. But we need to realize that we have become complacent. We elected our officials and then never challenged the status quo. We let Water Gate happen without so much as a little boohoo. The Iran contra hearings, where one man became the scape goat for an entire conspiracy, were just a show on C-Span. Now 9/11, and the crazy questions, people want to ignore.

It’s your fault. You gave me this. You handed me a world so convolutedly fucked up in such a complex way that the people who really do care who actually can do something about it, have no fucking clue what to actually do.

Fix the injustice woven throughout the constitution and our society, to which this backwards ideology has now crept into the very psyche of each succeeding generation?? Uuuhh, yeah make a law that fixes that one. Good luck bro.

Fix the corporate agenda of consumerism that plagues the minds of the masses and strips them of their ability to sense the essence? All the while, the waste, the byproduct of earth’s natural resources being burned into the atmosphere, the millions of trees being leveled for the sake of profit and greed, the poverty this creates in third world countries, seems to just be accepted as normal. Or maybe it is that fucking humans don’t really care. What the fuck is actually happening.

But there are good things happening. I know this. It is the safest time in human history to be alive. The progress we have made as a species in the past 10 years exponentially outweighs the progress made in the past 100 years.

But somehow I still find myself craving the dark. To be alone with myself and feel the cold fingertips of darkness’ depth wrap around my warm body and foster a deep feeling of aloneness.

Then I realize it has nothing to do with the outside world. It is me. It’s my own essence. The transfiguration of perception, coupled with an attitude of jadedness, meshed with a nuance of pain. I see the world as it is. But I also see it as it could be, which adds to the pain of my existence, because it is far from this potential of perception

I see the cities as bright as a shimmering gem that catches the glint of the sun from miles away. I see lush green cityscapes and nurtured country sides alike. I see people of all colors, dynamic, strewn across a very vast spectrum of configuration and all paying respect to the essence of all that is. No it’s not perfect, but that’s an arbitrary self-induced neurosis to believe in the idea of perfection as a solid state. Perfection is fluid, it’s changing. Perfection is born out of glitches and misunderstood nuances, but it is the striving towards that perfection that creates perfection in the first place.

I heard someone say once, “We’ll never rid the world of sex slavery, so there is no point in trying.” Fuck you. Fuck you and your cop out fucking attitude. You sound like a Christian who has lost their way. Even if that were true, it’s a human indignation and should be treated as a heinous crime against humanity, because it fucking is so.

I feel as though I’m done ranting. I see inside myself a war, a fight to truly express myself. I feel pent up, and lost most days. I do sense it is getting better. I’m hetero-flexible and androgynous; this is what I told my Christian mother the other day. After I explained what this means to me, she simple said, “well I don’t agree with that. That’s not how god intended for it to be, it’s not natural”, referring to my comment about sometimes finding men attractive and if the moment was right and it felt ok, that I wouldn’t have any issue doing something sexual with a man. Note, I said this for my own sake, to put it out there, to verbally express it since I had been suppressing it for so long. I knew the answer I would receive. And whether or not it was completely necessary for me to put all of that out there….well it was ok. So fuck off. I feel lighter and a smidgen more free for having said it.

“And what do you know about whats natural” , I say.

“Because two men can’t create offspring”, she says.

“You do realize there are numbers of documented examples in NATURE”, (said with emphasis), “of same sex species copulating?”

“What”?? “You’re making that up, cause I know you make a lot of things up."

“Yeah, but mom, I always tell you when I’m making something up. And this, I’m not making up. This is truth” I said it with such a strait and honest face she had to second guess, that maybe I actually was telling the truth. Trying to explain to her that gender isn’t binary or black and white like she has been taught to believe is like talking to a blank chalk board. You know like when the teacher says, explain this problem to the class. And you totally understand the problem, but that’s because you developed your own way of doing it, to which you have no idea how it works, but every single time….you nail it. You just don’t know how to explain it to the class in the way they need to understand it, because you don’t even understand it. That’s what it’s like.

Thank god little sis is there. And how the hell she has such a fluid understanding of such matters is mind blowing and inspiringly impressive. She actually corrected mom the other day when I chimed in on the getting the hair did conversation; and I expressed how I’ve been wanting to color mine or do something crazy with it. Mom said, “maybe you should have been born a girl.”

“Gosh Mom!!! He’s not uncomfortable in his body!! Just likes doing his hair is all”!!

Oh my god!! I don’t even understand these subtle nuances of psychological and sexual suppressions, and little sis is on point with it. And she’s all of 15, and by the way, growing up in a mostly strict Christian environment. She’s doing a hell of a lot better than I am emotionally and psychologically. And for this, I thank the gods of self-thought, may they continue to bless her beautiful mind.

[A few days later….]

It’s trippy really.  Just earlier I went on one of my rants inside my head, where I start screaming in a whisper at nothing except the people that I see inside my mind. And I was explaining…more like, aggressively laying out my logic in a systematic way. But I was saying why it was so hard for me to buy into a system that is so goddam backwards. It’s not that I’m lazy, or a dead beat and don’t want to work. But when I realize that the entire construct of our system is a farce, how can I justifiably put myself in it to the point where I play a part and keep the cogs turning. I can’t. I say I won’t, but I’m hard pressed to do just that. But I fight it every step of the way.

We have been cutting funding to our education system for fucks sake, I don’t’ know how long. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s an open debate. Like the fucking welfare of succeeding generations, and their mental capacities is actually a thing we are allowed to debate on. And then angry rich white fuckers want to talk shit and get angry about, “how this generation has lots their fucking minds, they don’t’ know what we went through” said in a screechy old man Homer voice.

REALLY?!?! You’re the mother fuckers that handed this shit to us! You actually think it’s our fault we don’t’ understand certain things? I don’t even know what the fuck it is that you want us to know. You have dumbed down our math to a sickening degree of shit. English grammar has gone out the window. The first thing to go was the arts, like that’s not important. And you say we are the dumb ones.

And then there are the countless studies that show how the 40 hour work week is actually detrimental to the human health as a whole. Then there is the fact that pretty much everything has gone up in price by 10, 20, sometimes 30 times. And guess what, minimum fucking wage has nowhere near stayed up to par with everything else. So you tell me about how when you were a fucking young lass you worked and paid for your house and car and supported your family. No shit Sherlock!! How much did that fucking house cost? Now we can barely get a one bedroom apartment for what you paid for your 3 bedroom house back then. And that’s just working one minimum wage job, if that. Single mothers having to work 3 jobs and that’s just scraping by. But by all means, you white privileged, stuck in your antiquated fucking ways, mother fucker, tell me how hard you had it and how hard you worked for your living. We live in different times. Welcome to the 21^st century, where machines are replacing the jobs at an alarming rate and you actually think things work the same way?? Fuck off.

So I’m supposed to just shut my mouth cause you think I don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe I don’t actually watch fucking Fox, CBS, NBC, MSN, farce fucking who gives a fuck. It’s all propagated rhetoric, bent to keep you on edge and rake in the money. Didn’t you learn anything from Hitler and all the propaganda shit….guess not!!

When I realized that geniuses like Tesla, and you best fucking believe there were more like him, were suppressed. Then how the fuck am I supposed to believe that my government and corporations actually have my best interest at heart. They don’t. At this point, it’s a fact.

And so when playing the role I am “supposed” to play, only adds the fucked up mess we’re in, keeping the hamster wheel running, I get angry; I get sad; I become pent up; I want to scream and burn it all down…should I say that? Probably not. Someone might think I’m the next crazy white mother fucker to blow some shit up. I think I should probably back space.

I’ll just hit enter and start a new paragraph.

So this is me. Lost in a world that makes no goddamn sense, looking for hope, finding it, losing it, finding it again and losing it again. It’s a vicious cycle. But I know I’m coming closer to finding wholeness.

The real issue is I’m scared.

I was thinking earlier. What is it that I’m truly scared of? I’m scared of fully expressing myself, because I’m scared of the wide open dark places. And the depth of my soul is definitely a wide open dark space. I mean. I don’t even know what this means.

There is a block somewhere. I look for it. I know it’s right in front of me, but I can’t see it. It eludes me. I want to feel free and joyous, but I don’t. I haven’t for a long time. I know I’ll get there. 

Till next time you beautiful people. Maybe I’ll write a love story or something, and not be so angry….don’t get your hopes up.

Yours truly

‘La Loving Logan’