Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

So I went about 6 days of not smoking weed, and it felt really good actually. And it wasn't even that difficult. I got to day 6 after a week from hell working every day, probably close to...46 hours, and that's just at the restaurant. I'm up at 7 every day anyway doing my other shenanigans. So sleep was minimal. Bu any ways, day 6. I want some beer. So I went to sushi, amazing, read a very interesting chapter in my book 'Spirituality and Cannabis'. And then realized I wanted to smoke weed. Really the only reason I wanted to smoke is because I was going to watch the new Star Trek movie and I wanted to trip out on it before bed. So I smoked and didn't feel bad about it, but I did realize it caused me to waaaaay over think. And then I didn't even stay awake for the movie. I passed out. And then, I woke up Monday morning with a  fucking headache all hung over after 4 beers. Light beers to!!! WTF! So needless to say, I'm kinda over the weed for no...

So its been 3 days since I have smoked. I have been wanting to do this for a while. But always struggled with it. And when I say a while, I mean probably about 5 years or so. I always wanted to go a month sober, just to clear the head and detox the body. But I would always get to a point where I would rather drink and smoke than be sober....which is probably telling of my mental state and attitude, now that I look back at it. But here I am. Only stopped smoking weed. Decided I don't want to binge anymore on beer. I have pretty much completely eradicated consuming hard alcohol, we don't get along. Though I know I will get to a point where I will enjoy a craft cocktail here and there. At this time, I am even to scared to to try an old fashioned out in public. Not because one old fashioned would get me turnt, but because as of late, one sip of whiskey and I pass out/black out. Idk, it doens't treat me right and effects me differently than what I am use to. But I do e...

I generally let things go until I reach a boiling point. Or a point beyond boiling. Like the steam rising from the bubbling cauldron of a pot over a fire. I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind. I'm at that point with work...again. There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job. This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time...

I woke up with a slight feel towards the sad spectrum. And I'm inclined to think that it stems from my recent actions, or in-actions. I binge drank. I go against my truest desire to be sober and rest well, and I put things in my body in an excessive amount and then pay the price and get set back from the progress I have made. Its difficult because I sense a disconnect between friends. I difference in interests causes us to grow apart. I no longer wish to do the things I use to do. I desire to be as healthy as I possibly can. I desire to get proper sleep and progress forward in my attempt to be clean in my body, and become stronger. Binge drinking coutners that. And to hang with friends who do this, counters that. Its a hard decision but it has to be made. It is what it is. Its not bad, just sucks in a way. But I know that I will be happier for it in the long run. I think this whole issue is part of the reason I have the feels today. I also binge drank at a concert...

He said, "but I think that's the key. Just be honest and don't apologize for it" Its obvious, and I think most people know this. But to see it in a new light, sometimes I think we just need to hear it again, from someone else. I can read it in a book. I can see it on instagram memes things. But then I hear someone say it to me and it changes the whole ball game. I keep telling workmates that I struggle with talking to people, or struggle with the approach, or don't feel totally comfortable quite yet. And they look at me and say something along the lines of, "your so charming though, I don't even see it", or "Whaaaat, people love you", "Your doing such a good job I didn't even realize. Which makes me think, that maybe I am being too hard on myself. And I love this idea, just be honest and don't apologize for it. Its literally what I have been working towards. Cultivating a confidence where I don't feel the need ...

Building confidence is like building anything.  Start with a foundation, lay down some bricks of experience and putting colorful bricks out there that go against the grain of normalcy.  Pretty soon, I have put myself out there in few random moments and there is this foundation of who I am sitting on the floor.  Then I add a few more bricks and a few walls. I had to learn where to put the walls, cause sometimes I made them too thick, then had to knock them down, Then I made them of the wrong stuff, so had to knock them down.  But eventually, I found the perfect wall to keep what I don't want out?? Or maybe to sort of hide what I don't want seen.  But I still put some random ass windows in for peering out, to which I know peeople could peer in. But thats the vulnerabity part. And being vulnerable while I build cause I'm swinging a hammer and my back is to the world maybe, or maybe I can see all around me, but I'm preoccupied with building this p...

broken arrows and broken dreams fly through air as the sheep sing. Nothing is there for their taking so they bah, they bah as the arrows and dreams kill them dead. A beautiful meadow full of fluff and read dead blood. A beautiful meadow full of heart ache and loss. Loss of a mind, loss of a choice, loss of a fear that was once alive in their voice. But  none of which did anything to fight against the fear, None of which could even grasp freedom by the ear. I hold on to this image of serene peace and quantum healing. I hold onto this love that I know can be, I can see, I can feel, I truly just want to be. So here I am I stand. A choice I make I can. To be free to be me, to let loose of self judging gravity. Fly to the moon and look back at earth, fit in the palm of my hand. La Loving Logan