Control and something about an Ex
Its been a minute since I last wrote. And the past few days I have been thinking of what to focus on.
Control keeps coming to mind. I'm sure there is a healthy balance some where in control. How much to control, how much to give up to the goddamn universe.
I guess I keep seeing aspects in other peoples lives where control is an issue. Which makes me wonder, where in my life I have an issue with control.
And off the top of my head I think it has something to do with; wanting a committed relationship, like now. Somehow that nuance is tied to sex. I crave that closeness. And I don't even know what it all means.
All I do know, is that I keep catching myself looking for it. And I think it has been clouding my judgment maybe. There is this bouncing back and forth between 2 extremes.
Carrying myself in a manner conducive with finding a mate, and then finding myself in a situation where all sense goes out the window and I just want to fuck.
Not that I feel that either one of those extremes are bad or wrong in anyway. It just seems that they both clash with whats going on inside me.
It's a weird nuance of sorts. Like a poetic description of a euphoric sentiment, that cringes on the line of patience and fucking longing desire. Which drives me to look for the most immediate outlet of a wanton device.
Oh the fucking cycle.
I'm inclined to believe that its a spiraling array of experiences that feed into the learning of how to carry and handle myself.
Sometimes, like now, I want to excuse away the acts I have committed under the premise that "I was never taught", or by default "was sheltered to an extreme degree".
But where I use to maybe do that. I can't anymore. It doesn't do anything for anyone except continue the same cycle of shit. And yeah, maybe I'm a product of my environment. But that doesn't mean I can't become a new product of my new environment.
I still catch myself in moments of the fucking "crazies". That's a good word for it.
I did it the other night. But this time, I'm pretty sure I realized in the moment where it all came from. Though I didn't totally acknowledge what I had realized till a while later.
And its slightly odd, because she has been coming back to me more and more. The ghost of Christmas past. Or in this case the ghost of the first girl I ever fell in love with.
I'm under the impression, and I think I have heard it said before, but you never stop loving those you truly love. Which stands to reason that to "get over" or "get past" something like splitting ways with someone you love just takes time and a little effort and even at that, it still never goes away.
So here I am. 9 years later and she still pops in my head. I see her in the faces of strangers. I meet someone with her same name and its her face I see.
Quintessential really. It probably didn't help that I went back and read the little story I wrote about her a few years ago. But I became curious about previous writing from this blog and went back to the beginning just to see what I was writing.
And she was there. Just like she has been.
I got the "crazies" the other night too. I swear this girl looked exactly like here. And in the moment my head went bonkers.
The positive side is that I was able to bring sanity into the mix in a matter of a short moment. Which is a far cry from what the pattern use to be. I find it easier to talk about my shit with people.
A friend told me one time, "you have to talk your shit out with people, not so that they will understand you, but so you can get it out of you". And most normally as I talk my shit out with people I'm able to see what it is that I'm looking for as I release the thoughts and words.
So what does this have to do with control. I'm trying to control my circumstances to match the desire I feel on the inside.
A friend just sent me a, meme? I don't know, I'm not good with this new terminology and what it all means. It's a blank background with writing in it....in the form of a picture. Instagram shit.
It said..."You can have it all when you allow divine timing to order your steps"
And I think maybe this is where I need to let go of control. Maybe focus this controlling energy towards myself and practice the art of non-attachment to my thoughts. Because it's only when I latch onto some random thought that I find myself in a crazy loop of... the "crazies".
Now that I'm thinking about it, it's way too obvious and slightly embarrassing. But i'm ok with it.
I'm still half asleep anyway, so I'm not entirely sure of what I'm writing. I'm sure about it. Just not sure if I'm making sense.
But it feels good. Thats all I know. Its the hedonist in me that makes me splooge on this here blog machine.
And I dig it.
I'm feeling less angry these days. I finally see light in my daily activities. I see potentials that are worth reaching for and are most definitely within my reach.
I'm finding more confidence in random moments. I don't feel scrutinized, which only came from my own scrutiny of myself.
I do see the subtle hints at a random thought process, but I like my thought process. Sure it makes me dyslexic with concepts and word phrases sometimes. Sometimes I think in opposites, so I have to be extra careful depending on what situation I'm in. But mostly I find this nuance amusing.
I catch myself switching letters around in words; like Brisket should be Brikset. Idk, maybe that just comes with being bombarded with the same repetition of words at work.
On a bright note, talking about focus and creating my reality. I have recently noticed a trend toward being paid for my art endeavors. Painting and writing. So I think I'll play with this and see where it takes me.
To being half asleep and splooging....ooh good morning.
Maybe it's not so much about giving up one thing or the other, but redirecting the energy of it into something useful. Like for me.
I like control. So instead of trying to control things I can't...duh!!! Focus the control on a part of me that could do some good with a little more control in my life.
I have also been praying for guidance as I practice the "art of non-attachment". Its totally helping.
So weird that I'm forming a habit of praying now. I use to despise prayer. Ha, I love it.
See ya.
'La Loving Logan'
Control keeps coming to mind. I'm sure there is a healthy balance some where in control. How much to control, how much to give up to the goddamn universe.
I guess I keep seeing aspects in other peoples lives where control is an issue. Which makes me wonder, where in my life I have an issue with control.
And off the top of my head I think it has something to do with; wanting a committed relationship, like now. Somehow that nuance is tied to sex. I crave that closeness. And I don't even know what it all means.
All I do know, is that I keep catching myself looking for it. And I think it has been clouding my judgment maybe. There is this bouncing back and forth between 2 extremes.
Carrying myself in a manner conducive with finding a mate, and then finding myself in a situation where all sense goes out the window and I just want to fuck.
Not that I feel that either one of those extremes are bad or wrong in anyway. It just seems that they both clash with whats going on inside me.
It's a weird nuance of sorts. Like a poetic description of a euphoric sentiment, that cringes on the line of patience and fucking longing desire. Which drives me to look for the most immediate outlet of a wanton device.
Oh the fucking cycle.
I'm inclined to believe that its a spiraling array of experiences that feed into the learning of how to carry and handle myself.
Sometimes, like now, I want to excuse away the acts I have committed under the premise that "I was never taught", or by default "was sheltered to an extreme degree".
But where I use to maybe do that. I can't anymore. It doesn't do anything for anyone except continue the same cycle of shit. And yeah, maybe I'm a product of my environment. But that doesn't mean I can't become a new product of my new environment.
I still catch myself in moments of the fucking "crazies". That's a good word for it.
I did it the other night. But this time, I'm pretty sure I realized in the moment where it all came from. Though I didn't totally acknowledge what I had realized till a while later.
And its slightly odd, because she has been coming back to me more and more. The ghost of Christmas past. Or in this case the ghost of the first girl I ever fell in love with.
I'm under the impression, and I think I have heard it said before, but you never stop loving those you truly love. Which stands to reason that to "get over" or "get past" something like splitting ways with someone you love just takes time and a little effort and even at that, it still never goes away.
So here I am. 9 years later and she still pops in my head. I see her in the faces of strangers. I meet someone with her same name and its her face I see.
Quintessential really. It probably didn't help that I went back and read the little story I wrote about her a few years ago. But I became curious about previous writing from this blog and went back to the beginning just to see what I was writing.
And she was there. Just like she has been.
I got the "crazies" the other night too. I swear this girl looked exactly like here. And in the moment my head went bonkers.
The positive side is that I was able to bring sanity into the mix in a matter of a short moment. Which is a far cry from what the pattern use to be. I find it easier to talk about my shit with people.
A friend told me one time, "you have to talk your shit out with people, not so that they will understand you, but so you can get it out of you". And most normally as I talk my shit out with people I'm able to see what it is that I'm looking for as I release the thoughts and words.
So what does this have to do with control. I'm trying to control my circumstances to match the desire I feel on the inside.
A friend just sent me a, meme? I don't know, I'm not good with this new terminology and what it all means. It's a blank background with writing in it....in the form of a picture. Instagram shit.
It said..."You can have it all when you allow divine timing to order your steps"
And I think maybe this is where I need to let go of control. Maybe focus this controlling energy towards myself and practice the art of non-attachment to my thoughts. Because it's only when I latch onto some random thought that I find myself in a crazy loop of... the "crazies".
Now that I'm thinking about it, it's way too obvious and slightly embarrassing. But i'm ok with it.
I'm still half asleep anyway, so I'm not entirely sure of what I'm writing. I'm sure about it. Just not sure if I'm making sense.
But it feels good. Thats all I know. Its the hedonist in me that makes me splooge on this here blog machine.
And I dig it.
I'm feeling less angry these days. I finally see light in my daily activities. I see potentials that are worth reaching for and are most definitely within my reach.
I'm finding more confidence in random moments. I don't feel scrutinized, which only came from my own scrutiny of myself.
I do see the subtle hints at a random thought process, but I like my thought process. Sure it makes me dyslexic with concepts and word phrases sometimes. Sometimes I think in opposites, so I have to be extra careful depending on what situation I'm in. But mostly I find this nuance amusing.
I catch myself switching letters around in words; like Brisket should be Brikset. Idk, maybe that just comes with being bombarded with the same repetition of words at work.
On a bright note, talking about focus and creating my reality. I have recently noticed a trend toward being paid for my art endeavors. Painting and writing. So I think I'll play with this and see where it takes me.
To being half asleep and splooging....ooh good morning.
Maybe it's not so much about giving up one thing or the other, but redirecting the energy of it into something useful. Like for me.
I like control. So instead of trying to control things I can't...duh!!! Focus the control on a part of me that could do some good with a little more control in my life.
I have also been praying for guidance as I practice the "art of non-attachment". Its totally helping.
So weird that I'm forming a habit of praying now. I use to despise prayer. Ha, I love it.
See ya.
'La Loving Logan'
Comments
Post a Comment