Judgmental Expecations

I have been having this thought. I wonder to myself if I can get into a writing flow about good shit.

Lately it's been about what ever comes my way that throws me for a loop; or I have a bad emotional day that makes me feel crazy.

But I wonder if I could write with the same intensity of feeling with good shieza. It seems odd from the get go to me.

But I keep coming back to this idea that life is what we focus on. And for me it's about making everyday better than the last, in the sense that I am co creator of my reality and I have the power to change whatever is in my life that I do not like.

For me, I will notice subtle nuances that strike me as being off.

For instance the other day. And I had just smoked a wee bit. More than I usally smoke. And I do know one thing, and it's that weed helps me feel. Not sure how that works molecularly or what not, but that's what it does for me.

So I also have come into an idea that I can feel the things I say more. Like my sense is heightened and I feel concreteness of what I say reverberate throughout my entire body, good or bad. Sometimes it's a feeling of embarrassment for what I did say.

The other night I was mopping at work and talking with a buddy and I won't play back the conversation, but the phrase that came out of my mouth was...

" I expect nothing but excellence". And though we were talking about women and dates, I realized I do this with everything. I create these lofty visions or expectations that can't possibly be met and then use that as a reason to disregard or discard what ever, or whoever it is that didn't meet these expectations.

Fucked up. I know.

But it's these little moments that give way to a rewiring of thought patterns for me. I see these subtle nuances and become aware and then have the capability to change what I do not like.

So I thought for a day about it. And I feel like expectations are tied to judgments. Its like a backdoor way of judging people and circumstances without feeling like I was judging. But at the heart of this situation, that is simply what I was doing.

And let me tell you, it makes me a lonely mother fucker to live this way. In a sense I have created a habit of out-casting myself.

It's funny, because I have this belief that everyone and everything within my reality is a reflection of myself. So I can use what I see in other people and situations as a looking glass to peer deep within my own soul and psyche.

I basically psycho-analyze myself. Carl Jung...thank you. I think he refers to it as the process of individuation. Which can happen in many plethora of ways. This is just how I go about doing it.

I want to focus on whats good.

So, then I start thinking about what the opposite of expectation is. Because for me, I need a word. I need a concept that I can work with. It's not enough for me to just acknowledge that I judge people or have lofty ridiculous expectations.

I have to have a way of redefining the pattern that I have become accustomed to.

So I look up antonyms for the word expectation. I see nothing I like.

I have a realizations that my expectations are linked to judgement.

So how can I side step this habit, what is it that would help me see people and places and circumstances in a new light??

So then I'm doing yoga, with a notepad and pen next to me, ready for any insights that might come while I'm in a deep groin stretch.

And voila, with the 'chill electronic' music station playing, while doing a 1/8th split pose...what ever the fuck that is, I come up with this.

"Instead of having expectations, have wonder and curiosity"

"I can open my world up to everyone, by being curios of their world"

And I can remember seeing life this way. I remember how I saw people as whole other universes to explore. Get inside their minds and pick at all the exciting things and learn about their perceptions and beliefs and interests that drive them.

Then somewhere along the way I started building these walls. I thought people were out to hurt me. I thought I was being hurt by everyone else. When really, it was me being a victim of my circumstances. I started losing that ability to stand in awe and wonder of someone else and began creating systematic operations for failure in my head, so that I could justify not trusting anyone.

I slowly pushed everyone away.

Till I stood all alone on a high fucking mountain with no one around me.

That's fucked up.

But I thank the Great Spirit and my higher conscious and my higher self and some fucking dude names Traun for the opportunity to become aware of my insecurities. I am grateful for the wherewithal to be able to change my habits and create a more open and free loving environment for myself.

I use to see people as whole other worlds to explore. Mind, interests, passions and quirks of insight.

Which just plays into the whole mirror idea. And this mirror idea is based on attitude and intentions. Emotions and focus. Its not enough to think a thought. or even say a word, its the attitude, the emotion behind the thought and word that creates the ripples in the quantum field of serendipitous reality.

The intention and what we focus on adds to the culmination of our perceived reality.

So I by default become an active creator in the reality that is mine. So I have to take account and be aware of everything.

So when I feel something come out of nowhere and strike me in some interesting way, I pay attention.

In this instance, I said something out loud that didn't resonate with my true nature. So I go about finding ways to change it.

To being more open with my heart. To breaking down these walls that I have built. To cultivating a greater sense of connection with the world around me.

This felt ok. I feel solid in my center right now.

'La Loving Logan'