Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

 I graduated with honors, although I didn't hand in one homework assignment all year. The math teacher would give us the answers on the tests.  It was honestly a joke. And looking back, the entirety of my schooling was limited to a dogmatic perspective. Dinosaurs never existed.  The earth was 6,000 years old. Things that seem so insane to me now.  The highs school I graduated from lost their accreditation the next year.  At least I had a diploma that was somewhat valid.  In the Cult there was this idea that you should give God at least a year.  They really wanted the kids coming up to devote their lives to Jesus. And what that really meant was serving in some capacity in the church.  Be a pastor, a Bible school teacher, a youth minister. Anything really. So long as you didn't go out into the real world and start thinking for yourself. Can't have the devil getting a grip on you. They coaxed most kids to attend the Bible college for a year. Which wa...

 Smashing heads,  and sweaty workout drills.  Twice a day. A full game played each day.  An entire season of sportsball, or football if that's what you like to call it, condensed into one week. (I was too curious. I just looked it up.)  They call it 'Man Camp' now. And I'm dead.  If that name doesn't adequately and succinctly describe the essence of this one week devoted to God, I don't know what does.  And that's where I was 16 years ago. Headed into my senior year. I was about to embark on my last year at the only school I had ever been to. Set within the walls of my church. I had spent my entire school life inside the walls of this building 7 days a week.  That't kindergarten to 11th grade. 12 years up to this point. And 7 days a week is no exaggeration.  Monday through Friday for school. Saturday all day winning souls to Jesus and inviting people to church. Twice on Sundays and Wednesday evenings for some good 'ole fashion preaching. And ...

 I'm not entirely sure where to begin. If I am to tell the story of my exit from the cult, I would need to start with the turning point, the focal moment that sparked my leaving. If I am to tell the story of my belief structure and how religion's meaning changed for me, there are key realizations along the way.  I suppose it all starts with feelings of betrayal before I ever come to the realizations of knowledge. Hypocrisy within the church, a slow move towards learning how to think for myself. When I conceptualize the story in my mind, all the parts seem to work in tandem.  I can easily run in circles with my reasoning. Maybe this comes from the brainwashing when I was growing up. I was told what to believe and how to believe it, and all the information magically circled back to Jesus and the infallible word of the pastor. I never questioned anything, because there was no reason to. I was told the truth and that is what I was supposed to believe.  Looking back I can...

I've realized just how much I adopted other people's opinions as my own. Social issues played on my emotions and lured me in with a moral superiority.  I care about the world and the people in it. I care about fairness and whats truly right.  I couldn't tell you anything about what I believed though. I was banking on other people to be able to do that. The ones that had fed me this morally righteous information, they knew what they were talking about. Because it was the right thing to think. It was based on thinking of others and not myself.  It was a more inclusive view of the world.  It had to be right.  Then I had a brilliant thought. I need to be able to actually defend my belief. Otherwise, what good is the belief. And that's where I went wrong. I should never of taken responsibility for my thoughts and beliefs.  If I had just stayed dogmatic about my world view I would never have turned into Alice going down the rabbit hole, finding my way through Won...

 What was I to believe?  What was true anymore? The only thing I understood upon realizing the insanity of the cult I was raised in, was that I was lied to. I didn't know what was right anymore. The only truth there was for me was the truth of my experience.  And now with my new found freedom I would experience everything I was told was wrong and sinful. And at that, religion no longer had meaning.  I was lost, even when I thought I was found. I was told Jesus was my savior but as far as i could tell, He was my prison.  I must brake free. I must see the truth.  Little did I know I had been immersed in a truth that was just bastardize by a long history of influential men, dead set on controlling the masses. Breaking free from the chains of this dogma, I was out to find my own truth. Find what was real, what was right.  Fast forward through the years of hell, beyond the horizon of darkness when I started to see a glimmer of light. I had only amassed ques...

  I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Growing up how I did was quite extreme. And for a while after I got out I still held on to the idea that Christianity and church was the ideal. But I slowly started to realize that all the religions were saying the same thing and had the same overarching stories. So what was I to make of this. Was there really one righteous religion above the rest? Were all the religions true? Were they all just made up stories?  I went from believing Jesus was the son of God, to believing that we are all Gods in our own right. I was more agnostic. I began accumulating knowledge and realizations that started bringing me back to Christianity. And maybe its more accurate to say, bringing me back to Christ just from a whole new and different perspective.  Where I once learned to hate religion and believed it all to be a made up story just to control people. I began realizing that all my thoughts about religion over the years were true. Eve...

now that I sit and try to write there is nothing. There was something earlier. It was random, I felt energized, I felt almost wired in a way. I had this crazy sensation that I could pass out maybe if it got worse. I thought I was hungry plus it was coupled with seeing this beautiful woman. Hmm, why is it that it moves me. I was acting like a child, I had no decorum for the situation, I was fawning, I was pouncing, I was trying way to hard, I was taken off course of my focus for finding beauty in myself. Not to be conceded. but to find the confidence that holds that power of will and strength, and beauty and finesse, and intelligence and wit. What I saw in her was nothing more than an adoration of what I desire. So do people show us our deepest secrets too? Not only are they mirrors for what may hinder us, but they are focal points for what inspires us, what we wish to be. I saw poise and aesthetic beauty that took a breath away, an aura of grace and finesse that glowed beyond her ...

Changing a paradigm takes whit and finesse. Or maybe you would rather wait for your reality to implode on itself, for you to realize that it is time to create a new one. Its all about what we focus on. And this is where it gets tricky. Because we all lie to ourselves. We say we are bringing awareness to the treachery, But really we are just caught in the same cycle of bull shit. We speak words of discontent, we put down the other in the name of our right. For what? So that those who align with our thoughts cheer us on, and those that don't align with our thought get angry at us? This does nothing. And talking shit about Trump, or Hilary, or this business or that bunisness, or this religion or that religion or this person or that person, does fucking nothing!! Literally nothing but continue the cycle of bull shit. Its simple really. Fear. That is your cause. You fear what you cannot control. You fear what you do not understand. And though you know...

I kept hearing things this past weekend. You know when something strikes you. I would hear someone say something and, though it was a nonchalant off handed statement. I would hear it on another level. The whole weekend was geared towards changing my paradigm for the most part. And I felt the shift happen, and then it took a few days for everything to assimilate. I think it might be another day or two before I am completely in tune with it. But I realized a few things. I can create what I want now, where I am now. I find myself in this limbo state of wishing for something when I can create it right here. For instance. I don't have my own space as far as living on my own is concerned. So I get stuck in wishing for a place of my own. When I could just utilize the space I do have and make it my own. So I will be revamping my room to make it more of my own. It doesn't matter when I decide to move out, I just need to do whats good for me. Also I haven't been...

Its been a crazy trip really. Amazing at every turn. A bit surreal almost. Connected with people I haven't seen a while. Lake Geneva day was beautiful and full of nuances of heart and head I guess. I started having thoughts about moving again. Moving to Chicago Moving to Colorado. At this point I'm confident I can make it happen anywhere I go. So the question I find myself asking is where would I be most productive and happy. I start looking for hippie vibe. Yoga, massage, outdoors things. Chicago sounds nice, and I think it would be fun, but really I feel like it would be more of the same like Atlanta. Being around family but never seeing them cause we are all busy and doing our own thing. And at that, the outdoors stuff is even more minimal. The buzz of hustle and bustle I think would start to get to me. And its pretty much the same price as living on my own in Atlanta. So then i think of Colorado or Utah where there is more of my people and vibe there. ...

I sat in silence/meditated for a few minutes the other day and found myself tired. I also had a thought that maybe sitting in silence and meditating are two different things. I used to think they were synonymous. But after this morning I realize that they are not. Meditating is the practice of focusing the mind. Sitting in silence as Kyle Cease challenged me, is to literally just sit in silence. And I assume to let the thoughts go. I found that one thought would lead to another. I would remember something from the day before or so, and it would bring some sort of clarity or settle in as a concrete thought instead of just a passing happenstance. For instance, my friend yesterday evening when I went to get a beer or two, mentioned that creating our own space helps find inspiration. We can be inspired easier within a space that is our own. Since we have both been talking about moving out of our parents house, becuase we find it stifling and what not. Had I not sat in sil...

I want to start a habit of sitting in silence. As dared by Kyle Cease. 'La Loving Logan'

I finally got some lovin. Just some cuddles and kisses and things. So there is that. I guess it was super random, but not at the same time. We knew we were going to be making. Met for a drink, talked shit. Then went to a nature preserve laid out a blanket and made out under the stars. I almost couldn't control myself and wanted more. But saner heads prevailed and we said goodbye. It was nice though. To just be close and cuddle with someone. I feel like we as a society sort of shun intimacy like that if you aren't committed to someone. At least it has to be hidden and kept on the down low in certain respects. Or maybe that is my own learned patterns that I am working towards unlearning. Any who. I also read some more of my book "Spirituality and Cannabis" last night. I have to say, its really getting me to think. And now that I'm going on week 2 of not smoking weed, I like the ideas that are coming in. To give weed the respect and reverence it deserve...

Work last night was interesting. I think I might have been tired from my workout. I have been focusing on getting back into a routine and building my energy back up. Ever since Panama City Beach, I messed up my routine and set myself back with the binging I did, then there was that other concert. But like I said yesterday, I can feel my attitude changing with alcohol. And I keep reading these, what do you call them, memes. Or like pictures with words, know what I'm saying? You find them on Instagram or Facebook. But I have read in several places, where it says alcohol causes more problems than weed. And I totally believe this to be true. So then I ask the question, why is alcohol legal and weed not? To which, I always assume that there is an insidious plot to dumb down humanity, create a society of fear and anger, and strip everyone of their true essence. So then it makes sense why weed is illegal and alcohol is legal. Its a crazy fucking conspiracy, but when you star...

The days have been good lately. And I attribute them to an intense focus in stopping old habits. I guess stopping old habits in a sense is creating new one's. But there hasn't been so much of a focus on actually creating a replacement habit. Which I think is a good idea to do. But I'll get to that later. Going strong with the marijuana. only smoked once in the last 2 weeks and that was 6 days ago. And I have no intention or inclination to do smoke again for a good while. I have noticed over the past few days the same thing starting to happen with alcohol. Its like I have to ween myself off of it. But I think the hardest part of it all is realizing that friend nuances will change. I mean when all we do when we get together is drink, it kind of changes the paradigm between friends when one isn't interested in drinking. Sure, we can all still hang out. But the late nights aren't as appealing. The 9 o'clock dinners don't excite too much. And come 7 o...

I started losing my mind last night. I've just been working too much lately. I worked every day last week plus 2 doubles which equals 8 shifts. And Sunday was not enough to recover from it. So then Monday I worked another double, and Wednesday of course I pick up and worked another double. And I started crashing hard come Wednesday night's shift. Yawning every 2 minutes. I noticed that when taking orders I was extremely slow. I did see these 2 beautiful twins again. One might be single, at least she is always alone with her sister and her man. But who knows. I was so out of it, I couldn't even carry on conversations really. But I have today off. I slept for about 9 hours strait, which never happens. I usually get about 6 and I wake up. I obviously needed it. Stoked about today though. Got a concert tonight with the bosses and a friend. Going to Ponce City Market and getting some kind of good ramen. Hell yeah!! And all in all, I feel relatively good. I ...

So I find it interesting how each day is noticeably building on the previous day. Which is obvious, thats kind of how it works. But I'm noticing the confidence returning, the confidence I remember having 6 or 7 years ago. I also am noticing the fear of putting myself out there and sharing who I am dropping away. I think I can tie it to a few things, one probably  being the cutting back on smoking. And its not even difficult anymore. Sure I smoked Sunday, but it wasn't a fight against myself, it was a conscious choice because I actually wanted too. Only to realize that I don't actually want to for the time being. Another is the intentions I have put out there. A month ago started a three month series of Super new moons, leading into an eclipse season. And on the first new moon I created a few intentions, one being to cultivate more confidence in myself and be able to carry on random conversations with people. Well let me tell you, that shit is working. First mont...

So I went about 6 days of not smoking weed, and it felt really good actually. And it wasn't even that difficult. I got to day 6 after a week from hell working every day, probably close to...46 hours, and that's just at the restaurant. I'm up at 7 every day anyway doing my other shenanigans. So sleep was minimal. Bu any ways, day 6. I want some beer. So I went to sushi, amazing, read a very interesting chapter in my book 'Spirituality and Cannabis'. And then realized I wanted to smoke weed. Really the only reason I wanted to smoke is because I was going to watch the new Star Trek movie and I wanted to trip out on it before bed. So I smoked and didn't feel bad about it, but I did realize it caused me to waaaaay over think. And then I didn't even stay awake for the movie. I passed out. And then, I woke up Monday morning with a  fucking headache all hung over after 4 beers. Light beers to!!! WTF! So needless to say, I'm kinda over the weed for no...

So its been 3 days since I have smoked. I have been wanting to do this for a while. But always struggled with it. And when I say a while, I mean probably about 5 years or so. I always wanted to go a month sober, just to clear the head and detox the body. But I would always get to a point where I would rather drink and smoke than be sober....which is probably telling of my mental state and attitude, now that I look back at it. But here I am. Only stopped smoking weed. Decided I don't want to binge anymore on beer. I have pretty much completely eradicated consuming hard alcohol, we don't get along. Though I know I will get to a point where I will enjoy a craft cocktail here and there. At this time, I am even to scared to to try an old fashioned out in public. Not because one old fashioned would get me turnt, but because as of late, one sip of whiskey and I pass out/black out. Idk, it doens't treat me right and effects me differently than what I am use to. But I do e...

I generally let things go until I reach a boiling point. Or a point beyond boiling. Like the steam rising from the bubbling cauldron of a pot over a fire. I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind. I'm at that point with work...again. There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job. This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time...