Thoughts Illusions and Patterns of A Bohemian Gypsy

So I went about 6 days of not smoking weed, and it felt really good actually. And it wasn't even that difficult. I got to day 6 after a week from hell working every day, probably close to...46 hours, and that's just at the restaurant. I'm up at 7 every day anyway doing my other shenanigans. So sleep was minimal. Bu any ways, day 6. I want some beer. So I went to sushi, amazing, read a very interesting chapter in my book 'Spirituality and Cannabis'. And then realized I wanted to smoke weed. Really the only reason I wanted to smoke is because I was going to watch the new Star Trek movie and I wanted to trip out on it before bed. So I smoked and didn't feel bad about it, but I did realize it caused me to waaaaay over think. And then I didn't even stay awake for the movie. I passed out. And then, I woke up Monday morning with a  fucking headache all hung over after 4 beers. Light beers to!!! WTF! So needless to say, I'm kinda over the weed for no...

So its been 3 days since I have smoked. I have been wanting to do this for a while. But always struggled with it. And when I say a while, I mean probably about 5 years or so. I always wanted to go a month sober, just to clear the head and detox the body. But I would always get to a point where I would rather drink and smoke than be sober....which is probably telling of my mental state and attitude, now that I look back at it. But here I am. Only stopped smoking weed. Decided I don't want to binge anymore on beer. I have pretty much completely eradicated consuming hard alcohol, we don't get along. Though I know I will get to a point where I will enjoy a craft cocktail here and there. At this time, I am even to scared to to try an old fashioned out in public. Not because one old fashioned would get me turnt, but because as of late, one sip of whiskey and I pass out/black out. Idk, it doens't treat me right and effects me differently than what I am use to. But I do e...

I generally let things go until I reach a boiling point. Or a point beyond boiling. Like the steam rising from the bubbling cauldron of a pot over a fire. I don't think this is a bad thing. It ensures I don't over react to a given situation. But the only issue with this is, that I might over react. What I mean to say is, that it gets to a point where I'm so infuriated, that I stop giving a fuck about feelings and subtle nuances, and I want to speak my mind. I'm at that point with work...again. There is something familiar about this too. It reminds me of when I worked construction and had to call out grown as men for throwing me under the bus for shit I didn't do. Or deal with their fucking whining and bitching cause they didn't want to deal with the requirements of the job. This time though, I'm not in a hallway of a half built building where I can scream profanities and let off my steam that's coming from a boiling point inside me. No, this time...

I woke up with a slight feel towards the sad spectrum. And I'm inclined to think that it stems from my recent actions, or in-actions. I binge drank. I go against my truest desire to be sober and rest well, and I put things in my body in an excessive amount and then pay the price and get set back from the progress I have made. Its difficult because I sense a disconnect between friends. I difference in interests causes us to grow apart. I no longer wish to do the things I use to do. I desire to be as healthy as I possibly can. I desire to get proper sleep and progress forward in my attempt to be clean in my body, and become stronger. Binge drinking coutners that. And to hang with friends who do this, counters that. Its a hard decision but it has to be made. It is what it is. Its not bad, just sucks in a way. But I know that I will be happier for it in the long run. I think this whole issue is part of the reason I have the feels today. I also binge drank at a concert...

He said, "but I think that's the key. Just be honest and don't apologize for it" Its obvious, and I think most people know this. But to see it in a new light, sometimes I think we just need to hear it again, from someone else. I can read it in a book. I can see it on instagram memes things. But then I hear someone say it to me and it changes the whole ball game. I keep telling workmates that I struggle with talking to people, or struggle with the approach, or don't feel totally comfortable quite yet. And they look at me and say something along the lines of, "your so charming though, I don't even see it", or "Whaaaat, people love you", "Your doing such a good job I didn't even realize. Which makes me think, that maybe I am being too hard on myself. And I love this idea, just be honest and don't apologize for it. Its literally what I have been working towards. Cultivating a confidence where I don't feel the need ...

Building confidence is like building anything.  Start with a foundation, lay down some bricks of experience and putting colorful bricks out there that go against the grain of normalcy.  Pretty soon, I have put myself out there in few random moments and there is this foundation of who I am sitting on the floor.  Then I add a few more bricks and a few walls. I had to learn where to put the walls, cause sometimes I made them too thick, then had to knock them down, Then I made them of the wrong stuff, so had to knock them down.  But eventually, I found the perfect wall to keep what I don't want out?? Or maybe to sort of hide what I don't want seen.  But I still put some random ass windows in for peering out, to which I know peeople could peer in. But thats the vulnerabity part. And being vulnerable while I build cause I'm swinging a hammer and my back is to the world maybe, or maybe I can see all around me, but I'm preoccupied with building this p...

broken arrows and broken dreams fly through air as the sheep sing. Nothing is there for their taking so they bah, they bah as the arrows and dreams kill them dead. A beautiful meadow full of fluff and read dead blood. A beautiful meadow full of heart ache and loss. Loss of a mind, loss of a choice, loss of a fear that was once alive in their voice. But  none of which did anything to fight against the fear, None of which could even grasp freedom by the ear. I hold on to this image of serene peace and quantum healing. I hold onto this love that I know can be, I can see, I can feel, I truly just want to be. So here I am I stand. A choice I make I can. To be free to be me, to let loose of self judging gravity. Fly to the moon and look back at earth, fit in the palm of my hand. La Loving Logan

I am sitting here, pondering, reading, thinking of existential nuances. I saw a question, "If you believe there is no God, then who created the universe?" That's assuming that God, or someone, or something created the universe. Maybe nothing created the universe and its all self evolving and we are just byproducts of a well organized machine, powered by the dark matter that connects us all. Maybe there is an intelligence created by a group of beings that was coded into the fabric of reality that created us. Maybe we don't actually exist. Maybe all of this is a simulation and we are characters in someone else's story. Maybe we are just fucked and our universe is going to tumble over the edge of a multiverse into the abyss of everything-ness that looks like nothing-ness. Maybe Jesus had it right, and Christians got it wrong. Maybe Buddha should have gotten angry, and yelled his teachings. Maybe life isn't as complicated as it seems, and we have...

So I can get specific. I believe in astrology, that the planets do affect us in various ways. I believe in sustainability, waste not want not. I believe in a collective consciousness, we all co write this reality together. I believe in personal responsibility, that my actions affect not only my self but others as well. I believe in creating heaven here on earth, Nirvana is a state of mind, enlightenment is a life long process. To be enlightened is not to have arrived, but to have realized something new. I believe humanity has been lied to for a very long time. I believe there is an insidious agenda to numb and dumb society. I believe we have the power to take control back, we just have to take control back of ourselves and our own thoughts. I believe in moderation, that it is key. I believe in learning to love myself first, and in turn I will know how to love others best. I started thinking of all the things I believe in after I wrote yesterday. I realized that I ...

It seems to me that over the past 6 years my personal beliefs have changed quite a bit, several times. I find some new way of seeing the world and my belief construct changes. And this has happened so much over the past few years that I don't even realize how lost I am in a solid belief structure. I changes so quickly, that when someone ask me what I believe I find myself rethinking it all. It has become more simplified and pointed, If I don't say so myself. where I use to believe in a religion, I then believed in all religions. Now, I believe in practicality and thoughts and actions moving on a continuum either towards light and love or towards dark and fear. And this is based on how one perceives the world. One's light could be a different hue than another's, and no hue is more perfect than an another hue or shade of shadow. Its all relative, but there are fundamental tenants of existence within this reality, and every religion spells them out. Be kind, ...

Sweltering in endless thoughts of existentialism. I'm craving freedom from my own prison of subjective bars. dividing me between my own thoughts of fear and the freedom to be and love and express. I find myself lost in doing things that I don't want to do, for the pleasure of trying to be in the moment. But that is the catch isn't it. I shouldn't have to try to be in the moment. I should just be in the moment. But being in the moment for me is different for being in the moment for others. If others would wish to drink to be drunk and be high on alcohol. I would wish to drink and be high on restfulness and wimsy of thoughts. I want to lounge around the day and fall in the sand, having a feeling of deep relaxation. I want to wade in the water free of a come down. I want to fly in the sun and bake in her rays. I want to arrive back home early to cook a meal and read and binge tv all before midnight when I blow the lights out in the house. Early rise, smell of salt,...

It should be known, I write here purely for my own sake. I have absolutely no intention of helping anyone but my self on this forum. But if for what ever reason it does bring some sort of enlightenment, or at the very least, entertainment to someone's day, then I'm happy with that outcome as well. So here I go to lay out my own belief about this idea of marriage, because when I go through the process of writing it out, getting it out of my head, it becomes more solidified and understanding within my own mind. Marriage, its a misogynistic, sexist institution created by the rich fuckers of society and the rich leaders of the church at the time. Used at the behest of young women directly and the behest of young men still directly, but not as much. I will say, I believe women have had, and still have more to fight through then men when it comes to suppression. But that being said, the instituiton of marriage is fucked. Just because you love someone, is not a reason to get m...

So I did something rather astonishing last night. And before you get all excited, it's nothing extraordinary. I mean for me it is. But what ever, here we go. I usually am able to identify my anger, about one of the only emotions I really know for what ever reason. Maybe because I have spent so much time being angry that it's just easy to spot. But I did something else along with it last night. I expressed it to my mother. Which never happens. I usually hum along mindlessly, keeping the anger inside till it seems to dissipate and go away, which doesn't actually happen, I know. I basically just force it down and ignore it. Or find comfort in my anger. But last night felt good. So work has been rather interesting lately. I have been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride of change and weird nuances. I have no idea what I'm doing with this whole bar tending thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving it, and learning a hell of a lot. But there hasn't ...

I have been thinking about something lately. Or at least it comes to mind every now and then, and that is this. Feed back; feed back loops; when information that goes out, comes back in. From the way I see it, it is a way of learning about the process occurring in that moment. For me personally this relates to my own processes. Which are quite nuanced with complexity and eccentricity. So what I am getting at is that I feel I don't necessarily experience the feed back that is conducive for myself. My conversations with friends seem stale, and conversations with strangers is a chore. It din't use to be like this. And im not blaming anyone, I know its my own persona that leaves me feeling captivated in my own head so to say. I can't necessarily put my finger on it. But there is this fear of something. And I think it relates to what people will think of me, but I don't think that is the core of it. I don't much give a shit about what people think of me. I have f...