An Embarrassment

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I caught myself thinking in blog form. I was having a full on type session. Which is similar to a conversation with myself. I start yammering and I find myself way the fuck out in no mans land. Always curious things for sure.

I found myself wanting to write again. But at the same time I didn't want to.

I think it was another scare moment. Probably because its fucking embarrassing.  What happened over the past week, and then realizing what happened over the past week, then I had this moment of, uh, where I felt extremely embarrassed for myself. Fuck yeah, I'm dope at these run on sentences.

Its embarrassing because it super simple. I know I always say that. But this one is simple in terms of ...
fuck.

I'm all trying to like describe it without telling you what actually happened.

Nothing horrible. Just no longer going on a date. Or didn't go, at this point. That's not the embarrassing part. The part I don't like is why. I know why now, I think.

I scared her off. For some reason I get these thoughts in my head sometimes about some women that I meet, where it starts off as forever. Like, I totally bypass the friend stage and see a random ass future, and think, yeah I like what shes about. Lets just go all in on the first hand.

So I had spoken my intentions, which I think I talked about before. And half week later she changed her mind. But I didn't even realize what I was doing till I told me mum about it.

And this is where the light bulb goes on.

"Why don't you just be friends first"? she says.

mm. Yeah that actually makes sense. Which is sooooo fucking stupid. I guess I'm embarrassed about it because I don't understand why I do this. And shes not the first. There have been a good handful of chics where my head goes crazy. It obviously doesn't work out.

I don't know man. Thats how a lot of things go for me to. I just absolutely don't see it, till its too late or something crazy happens. Slightly scary. I won't lie.

Yeah. Idk. I guess thats where psychoanalyzing comes into play. Or maybe I do sit on the outskirts of the spectrum mentally. I think that sometimes.

Ok, a lot of times. And its not so much that I can't handle it. It just absolutely makes no sense a lot of times to me.

But I also think that's because I have developed tendencies to ignore my feelings. My deep seeded emotions.

I'm getting better at it. At noticing them. Allowing myself to feel them.

I actually expressed anger today to a friend. Through text, so I don't know if it totally counts. But I normally ignore, or side step...completely ignore what they are saying because I get angry. And I feel like saying anything in anger is not good for me.

But, today I thought maybe it might be an ok idea. So I decided to act differently on it. I don't feel bad about it. I didn't say anything hurtful. But I did say the words that were on my mind, text words. So I had to use exclamation points. And one time I used the voice to text, and it put asteriks on the word fucking. I didn't like that.

So I got more angry.

Kidding.

About getting more angry. But it did put asteriks and, I don't like that it does that.

You know something though, its strange. Cause I was actually able to let go of it, quite a bit. It still popped in my head a couple times throughout the night, but it was always less and less of a stress.

And by the end of the night when I was able to reply to her, yet again snide comment, I was calm and collected.

If she reads this, she might get mad about me saying "snide". I don't know why I think that, I just do.

I'll talk to her before she can ever read this, so it will be ok. Water under the goddamn fucking shit bridge. Amen

Why does doing this help? Someone told me the other day that writing is thinking. But it's more than just the writing.

Its the free flow of letting my thoughts go through a process with a focus. And then putting forth the option of people being able to see it.

Hmm.

So to embarrassment and being angry. I know more embarrassing moments will come. I know I'll get angry again. But I guess the embarrassment will teach me a lesson....again. And the anger.

Well, not gonna lie, I enjoy the anger sometimes. I like the way it feels. Probably because it's intense, and I like intense things. And experiencing an intense happy or glad moment doesn't seem to happen to often at this point.

Buuuut, I can see it changing. I like that.

oh, by the way.

It's 12:12 right now on

2/22/2018
2+0+1+8= 11
1+1=2

2/22/2

2+2+2+2= 8

Fuck yeah! I like 2s and I like the number 8.

To infinity and the never ending cycle.

'La Loving Logan'

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