Seeeex, Sex Sex Sex

I went to write something last night, and I found myself rambling. Like that's not what I normally do? Right.

I didn't feel anything is what I mean to say. And what I have realized is, that's my focus. I focus on what I'm feeling. And the purpose is to work through what I am feeling. And it has been working pretty great so far, as crazy as it has been for me.

I had an idea to revisit an old writing about when I "lost" my first love. To be more honest about it, I didn't lose her. I broke up with her. Regrettably, though I have gotten over it. I think. Fuck, I don't know.

But last nights writing turned into a long drawn out sentence with no meaning or passion behind it. I didn't feel anything as I wrote.

This makes me think of cycles. The spiral. There are good days and there are bad days, and then there are days in between. Its how it works.

But then I got to thinking that I wanted to create something. I still want to write something even on those days where I feel ok. When there isn't anything plaguing my mind in that momen, I still want to express in some way.

I thought about getting sexy and dirty with it. Like writing a story about some passionate orgy experience or something. But I don't know if I'm cut out for that quite yet. And I'm pretty sure my little sister has access to this blog....Soooo yeah, I think I'll pass on that one for now.

All though, this idea is super intriguing to me, and I just want to know how it would turn out. Yeah, anywhos.

So here I am. Not a bad day, not necessarily a great day, but I feel good and generally happy with where I am right now.

I've noticed that the things I focus on right now are more practical to the nuances of reality itself. Like paying bills, and job opportunities. Have you ever tried to look for a job when you really needed one, and you were going bad shit crazy in the head. Trying having an interview when you can't even focus on the simplest of things. Its awesome!

 There was an idea thrown at me, one that I have had for a while. But I like that it resurfaced by means of someone else. Shaman rituals, Peru. I would looooove it.

Also another idea from the same person, went something like this...

"Maybe this anxiety and your writing is your higher-self nudging you. Talk to the darkness and invite it to converse with you."

Not going to lie, I love the way that sounds.

Now I'm left with how to invite my darkness to converse with me. Some would call it the shadow self. The parts of me that lie outside my perception. The parts I have a hard time accepting. Maybe even parts of me I have grown to dislike.

But what is it? What do I fear? What do I find distasteful in myself?

I have a stigma with sex. I love sex. Most people do, I believe. I know there are some that are asexual and that's beautiful. But that's not me.

I grew up being taught that touching a girl before marriage was sinful. And having sex before marriage was one of the worst things you could do. They actually would force people to get married if they found out they had sex. Even if they didn't have any interest in being married to each other the rest of their life, they had to oblige, or be "churched", praise Jesus. (Churched - to be excommunicated from the congregation on the grounds you are an evil rotten sinner). Er, what!?!? So loving.

I do see the ridiculousness in it now. I know the whole taboo sex thing was a backwards perception that the church created for what ever reason it was, and I have come across a few in my readings through the years.

But what does this mean for me. I mean its pretty apparent that I struggle with literally every aspect of what I was taught growing up. I basically started out my 20's saying fuck it to everything that had to do with religion and purposely diving head first into all the sinful things I was told to stay away from. Guess how well that turned out. Aaaamazeballs!!! Kidding. Sort of. It was a hell of a lot of fun, but dear god I pay the price.

I guess I still don't know about this whole sex thing. I have tried to research on that there google to see if I could find anything that would educate me on what sex actually is. And when I say "what it actually is", I mean more than, the goddamn penis goes into the vagina, or butt hole, whatever your preference is, and it feels great. The end.

Dude, that's literally how my sex education went. Not to blame anyone. I honestly don't see anywhere in society where an in depth sex education is being taught.

I want to know what happens energetically. I want to know what it means spiritually. I want to know what happens in the brain. I want to know why people think its wrong to have more than one partner. I want to know why we have created such a taboo fucking stigma around it, when its quite literally the most natural fucking thing any human being could do. Pun intended.

 Or maybe I'm just over complicating it and its really not that big of a deal. Ok.

I feel attracted to more than one person on a deeper level than superficial. And the way I feel has such a varying dynamic with each person. So what now. Choose just one. Why?

Whats the point? The way I see it, I should be able to explore these varying degrees of sensuality. And it's not because I want to rack a number up to brag about how many people I have slept with.

Been there. Done that. And I don't like that I did. Ha, there is a part of me that I don't look kindly at....oooh interesting.

I find myself to be so dynamic in all the shit I think about and do. I'm eclectic. I find interest in almost everything. And when I meet someone that has a drive or a passion towards something I find passion with, I want to share in that wonder. And yeah, that can be done on a "just friends" basis.

But I'm talking about those moments when you feel this deep seeded spark. You have no idea why, but its there. You see that person and immediately everything about them is beautiful and sexy and goddamn fireworks in the fucking sky, holy shit!! And you don't even know them, but all you want to do is to dive into their world of wonder and get to know them. Are you going to tell me that you would deny coming together intimately after getting to know them in a soulful way?

I know it means something. I know that as you get to know someone personally, the attraction falls deeper into the depths of who you are. And this in some way creates an essence of love.

And maybe I'm just wishfully grasping at a way to explain my fucked up head. But I don't think this is the case.

There is a reason polyamory culture exists. I'm not talking about keeping the various affairs secret from one another.  There is a purity and beauty I see in being so open that all your loves at least know of each other.

I find that to be more vulnerable and enticing than choosing exclusivity to one partner at a time.

I don't know what the point of this is quite yet. I know that expressing it and putting it out there will probably help my brain process better, since I have always kept this belief secret to myself for the most part.

And I think that, right there, is the reason in and of itself. I know it is. To just simply express what I believe in a vulnerable way.

And yeah, I feel fucking vulnerable as hell throwing this out there. But here it is. My mind as I unfold it to you. Shedding yet a little more of the covering.....

Now lets all get fucking naked.

I would love thoughts and beliefs and ideas on this one.

Yeah, ok. That actually felt good. Til next time.

'La Loving Logan'

P.s. Now I have to get ready for work, and all I'm going to be thinking about while talking to the customers is sex....peeeerrfeeeect!