Vulnerability and Feeding The Orenda

- The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Once I started on the expression train, there was a change in focus. Or maybe that there was a desire to become more focused with these writings. I said last time I wanted to create something specific. But I don't see that being a part of what ever this is anymore. 

This seems to be more of a way for me to pour out what is inside me so I don't walk around numb to everything else because I can't seem to stop thinking about what is whirling around in my psyche making me feel all crazy. Run on sentence. Nailed it.

A huge part of me wants to know why it works. How it works. But I feel that is just my attempt to stray away from expressing what is really on my mind. 

There is one part to it really. By way of two parts, per-se. But they tie together. 

Action being the main idea. Doing things that show vulnerability. And I'm inclined to think that these things are different for everyone. But its in doing a thing that makes you uncomfortable, but you have always wanted to do it. Or you know doing it makes you feel good.

For instance. I did this side pony tail thing the other day. There is a fight in my head that says "it's too weird", "who does that", "it's unnecessary". But looking at myself in the mirror playing with different styles or ways of doing my hair, and going for this random side pony thing made me feel good. So I did it. 

And surprisingly enough I got some pretty awesome comments on it. 

That's one part. And I'm sure as time goes on there will be more things that I find that play to my androgyny, and meshing together the masculine and feminine aspects of myself.

The other part is verbalization. But I noticed when I was pondering this aspect that the word 'Verbalize' is even an action word. It has the word 'verb' in it. 

Putting the thoughts in my head into action. Expressing them as they are. And this one scares me more than anything. At least yesterdays occurrence did. 

I met a girl. Wanted to ask her out. So I did. That was slightly nerve racking. 

But then, I have developed this sense of wanting/needing to express my intentions so as to be clear from the get go. 

Dear fucking christ. I pushed the thought aside at first. Then it kept popping up in the frontal lobe of my cortex. What ever the hell that means? It was there in full force. I had to say something. 

Before the words came out it was obvious my demeanor had changed. Fuck shit I was nervous as hell. No reason to be nervous. But good lord it might as well have been .... I don't know. I was going back to 7th grade for some reason. I was stumbling, I'll  put it that way. 

As the words came out I didn't know if I was even making sense or not. They seemed to just kind of pop out at random. I worked through expressing what was on my mind as far as tending towards seriousness. 

Even now as I write this it doesn't make sense what I was trying to say. 

But looking back at that moment, I do feel good about the words that transpired. l feel that I did say what I needed to and intentions and ideas were made clear. 

Its not that I want to jump into a relationship as far as society defines relationships. But I do find that attraction towards people sits in different ways within in me. 

Its like meeting someone for the first time and immediately knowing whether or not they will be lifers or passerby-ers, or somewhere in the middle. 

The only thing I know, is that I needed to express my intentions clear. And I did. Pretty sure I did anyway. 

And I feel good about it. It actually went better than anticipated. I actually didn't anticipate anything. I was more wrapped up in how fucking freaked out I was. 

And then me being me. I start thinking about why I was freaked out. Why is it that simply expressing an intention like that, to a person who it happens to be intended for, becomes such a crazy whirlwind of anxiety?

The only thing I could come up with is that I have never done that before. Any relationship I have been in before has been random, intentions unclear. More of a random meeting of 2 people scrapping for something poetic with no idea what that actually means. 

Its also opening up to a stranger. It feels like ripping my chest open and showing them my heart. Here it is. It might get cut. It might get stomped on. But for the sake of expressing myself and coming out of hiding, Here is my heart beat for the world to see.  

One step forward. Taking action on deep seeded desires and intentions. Verbalizing those emotionally triggering thoughts, putting them out into the ether sphere for the Orenda to  manipulate in the most magical way that it always has done and always will do. 

So cheers to making myself uncomfortable. Cheers to not knowing what the hell i'm doing. And cheers to walking the labyrinth of my story and being an "almost" willing participant of what transpires. 

Till something else crazy happens....lol

"La Loving Logan" 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cult: The Escape (pt. 2)

Cult: The Escape (pt 1.)

Where to Begin? The Cult; The Religion