Karma Bit Me

It hit me. The feeling of losing a friend I guess.

Strait up. I got a text. And she said, "adios". 

The most troubling part for me is, I have done this to a friend before. 

This is where karma comes into play. Experiencing both sides of a situation. 

I had no idea what I was doing. And I don't regret cutting ties, I just don't like how I went about doing it. But I never realized what kind of hurt I had caused till last night.

And my friend saying she can't communicate with me anymore is only half of it.

I know I can't assume responsibility for what happened. But when I was the one that connected 2 friends and then one friend gets threatened because the other friend keeps inviting certain people into her life; I feel a bit responsible for it. 

I feel bad. Its like a pit in my stomach. I don't like that it happened. I can't control it. I know it's not my fault, but there is still that nagging sense that it was me who brought them together. 

Anyways, friend says she can't talk to me anymore. Safety reasons. Which is a bit understandable given the circumstances. One friend was threatened by a crazy mofo for simply having a conversation with my friend. 

Ugh. I don't know how to get this one out of me. 

How do I feel right now? 

Sad. Angry. 

Remorse from realizing what kind of hurt I caused a friend I was really really close with a few years ago. 

They say not to dwell on the past. Let things be, let them play out. But I don't know. Feelings come, emotions take over and I can't just let them be. To let them be means I sit in that space for 2 or 3 days until the feelings subside and I can feel somewhat normal again. 

So I write here. 

The past week has been weird. In like a good kind of reassurance, standing my ground in who I am kind of way. 

Some say hold back. Or at least that's what I interpreted them to say. 

Some imply I need professional help. I probably do. But honestly, I don't think it would help. 

This helps me. A friend told me writing is thinking. So I write, I think, I process what I am feeling. 

I felt like crying earlier. But of course, didn't. Its almost like my eyes have forgotten how to cry. I feel the tears there, but nothing comes. 

And I wasn't even that close to this friend. We shared a lot of commonality. She was there for me in a time of transition and need. We were open with each other and were able to bring each other up when we both needed encouragement. So I hold a special place for her. 

I can't get mad though. Like I said, I have done the same thing before. And that's what hurts the most. 

To recognize how I feel about this situation, and realize that it probably hurt a hundred times more when I wrote off my friend that was definitely at the top of the list of closest friends I had.

Karma's a bitch for sure. But at least shes true and right. 

It's also scary. I don't know what kind of danger my other friend might be in. 

And all this sits on me. I feel it in my chest, my stomach, my head, my eyes. There is a heaviness to it.

All I can do is breath into it. I have started becoming more accustomed to praying. Which is a bit unbelievable to me. I never use to pray, at least after I decided to leave religion.

Religion taught me how to pray, and that made absolutely no sense. All the prayers I heard were full of empty air. They still are for the most part. 

But its different for me now. I have found something that gives me feeling. A sense of belonging to a power greater than me, but within me. And I find solace in offering my troubles to this awareness.

Those who are concerned for me want to know that I believe in God. 

I love what my friend said to me today. - " Your complete misunderstanding of God is different my complete misunderstanding of God."

You pray to one thing, I pray to another. 

I believe I am God. I believe you are God.

So I have a duty, an obligation, a responsibility to take account of all that happens within my reality. 

So I can't just let things be. I may "over-analyze", but this is my strength. To be able to think in depth is somehow innate to who I am. I have to. It's not something I can just turn off. 

I conceptualize, I theorize, I pay attention to cycles and patterns that span generations and time spans on top of time spans. I look for the irregularities. I tweak what I can. I accept what I cannot change...for the most part. Working progress, lets say. 

I come into new understandings when I can see the whole picture. When I can conceptualize reasons for why this or why that.

So pardon me if my writing comes off as dark and fucked up. If you had seen me two years ago you probably would have called for an intervention.

Beer for breakfast just to feel, not feel, something. I don't know. Numbing myself to the pains of my own existence. Fighting every day, just to take a step forward which felt more like being stuck on a treadmill going no where. 

Seeing no point to anything I was doing. Feeling nothing but anger, and not actually knowing why I was angry. 

Feeling myself start to cry in the middle of the hallway at work. Screaming in my head at myself that I need to get my shit together. Stop this crying bullshit. 

So far from that now, yet not that far. But feeling soooo much healthier in my emotional meanderings. 

Unlearning, so I can relearn. Finding my own way. 

With open arms, letting karma come at me. Experiencing the flip side of the coin.

I'm grateful for this experience. It fosters a greater understanding of how to handle situations like this. It brings a new feeling into the sphere of awareness. And it's a weird one. I don't know what it is.

Its like a sad understanding of losing a friend, with an angry tone of remorseful recognition of my own part that I have played in the cycle of hurt. And a concrete knowing that it's these moments that bring me closer to who I am. Closer to wholeness. 

I should stop saying that. 

I am whole. I am complete. 

I'm just finding greater awareness of, synthesizing of, my completeness. 

So to loving fully and unconditionally. To letting the waves hit me as they so often do. All waves subside. Everything things flows in cycles. 

And I'm grateful for the opportunity to experience these emotional dynamics. [time: 2:22]

Such a long way from where I was. 

'La Loving Logan'

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