This Sex Thing Again

So I had somewhat of a realization last night. And I'm not entirely sure what it means. But it struck me, and I took note that it was important.

I was driving home from work. Took a micro dose of weed. For some reason started thinking about a couple situations with women.

I wrote about one already. The one where I didn't go on a date. Then there was another instance.

I got a number from a lady at work. A patron, not a co-worker.

And here is what I realized.

I evaluate everyone I meet on the basis of whether or not I would fuck them. And maybe we all have these thoughts. We're primal animals right, born to procreate. So, why wouldn't we.

But I think for me it is more along the detrimental lines.

I mean it makes sense. All I know is the stigma religion and society puts on sex.

What the fuck else am I supposed to think?!

Society tells me something ass fucking backwards, I don't even know what it's trying to say.

And religion taught me it was a dirty fucking thing to do. To be confined to marriage, and behind closed doors at that. Never to be talked about.

And so there is the double stigma. Thank you religion for fucking me in the head!!!

And society, you beautiful fucking bitch, thank you for being so....fucked!!

Ha.

Ok. I feel better.

So anyways, these are my thoughts. I meet someone and immediately its would I fuck them. Should I be friends or fuck them. Can I be friends and fuck them. If we fuck, will it turn serious. Do I want to fuck this person if it does turn serious. Whos fucking who. Who am I fucking. No one. GODDAMN IT!! I need to fuck. Who can I fuck.

And the fucking fuck cycle goes on and on. Except now, I have developed somewhat of a courage to say no. But its more of a fight against myself to just hold back so I don't "fuck" any kind of relationship I have with any one up.

Because this is the pattern. As soon as I fuck. I lose interest. And that fucking sucks. I don't know why. Probably a pattern I created over the past 6 years, cause, whats a boy going to do when hes been told his whole life sex is this horrible disgusting thing, PORN, Dicks, Ass,....

Oh, I like what I see. Balls to the walls exploration, fuck everyone and everything!!!

Haha, holy shit, I'm fucked.

So yeah, I see a women that I logically analyze (hahaha, now I'm seeing sex things everywhere...analyze....anal...get it?)

So I see a woman I logically analyze as being someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I create a disposition to Not fuck her. Cause if I do I'll lose interest.

Then I meet a woman I don't mind hanging out with, but don't see any future. So I fuck her. Then lose interest.

Dear god, this is really embarrassing. Fuck me.

God, so many fucks in this one.

So then that whole idea that I was embarrassed to not see, from the last post, about being friends first comes to mind.

And I saw the potential in it. But then there was the idea that I have to say no. And Jesus that seems extremely difficult.

And I don't know what any of this means.

I do know though. That I should probably focus on this friends thing. Yup.

I don't like how I have been treating women. I mean I have respect and would never intentionally treat a woman in a degrading way.

But looking at how I think right now. Fuck, its pretty cut and dry that I see them as an object....

oooh fuck...

Goddamn.

I guess that's the issue. I don't see a human being full of love and life. I get caught up in my own selfish meanderings of my mind and boyish fucking ideas. Pun intended.

Uuugh, this is horse shit. I'm just happy that I can become aware of these things.

The act of simply coming into awareness of something changes the paradigm I believe. Because at least now the alternate thought can be ruminated on and explored.

Woman are beautiful creatures of love and life and should be explored from an inquisitive perspective of mind and emotion, in perspective with how much they are willing to express.

I still feel lost on this. But I am happy I see something new in it.

It is a struggle for me.

But I know something new will come out of this. It always does.

Blah!

yay, to sex.

'La Loving Logan'

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