It's Just Splooge; Don't Read This One

So, I thought today would be better. Buuuut, its kinda a little worse off.

I have never had anxiety as bad as I had it last night at work. It's all a bit ridiculous it seems. Or maybe it is that I just want it to be easier. I wait tables. And whats really ridiculous is that I don't like talking to most people. I have to be very comfortable to be able to have an enjoyable conversation with someone. And even at that, I need to be able to relax and have more than 5 mins of interaction to converse with someone.

Eh, god! It carried over into today. I'm getting the sense that I'm not connecting with customers in a way that the boss man wants me to. Mostly I just don't understand it.

I feel dread right now about going in tomorrow evening. A job shouldn't feel like that.

They said, "find that one thing that you can connect with your guests about". But what the fuck does that actually mean?

What if I don't have any thing to connect with them on? What if I think they are an asshole and decide I don't like them? What if I don't understand any of the fucking jokes they are telling me and I have to 'fake laugh', which is horrible, just fucking horrible. It makes my insides turn out.

I have felt anxious before. But it has always been this subtle nuance in my stomach or mid chest. Like heightened sense of energy moving around. Its never been overbearing. I could usually just breath deep and be fine. But last night, oh Lord!

Last night, its actually making me slightly nauseous right now to think about it.

ugh, fuck. Ok what ever, fuck it.

So last night I felt like I was being played. Remember when I said it feels like I'm at war with "normal" people. Ok, yeah.

Oh, and by the way, as an aside, not an aside. What I wrote yesterday, I went back and read over last night, and I realized that I kept referring to the past in a present context sort of way. Yeah, so, I realized that I didn't want what I was writing to be the case right now, like some how I had gotten past it....buuuut, I still get the crazies. That's apparent from today and how I feel.

So any way,  war, "normal" people, waiting tables. In the meeting before the shift I felt like I was being singled out. Not so blatantly. But, when the one speaking stares right at me and doesn't deviate from eye contact for the majority of what she is saying, and on top of that it pretty much doesn't apply to any of the other servers on deck; then yeah, I feel like the entire context of what is being said is being said for my sake only. And that is this...

Connect with the guests more. FUUUUCK! I don't actually know what this means. What am I supposed to do? I know this restaurant is known for its atmosphere and chill vibe hangout type of thing. But I seriously don't understand how I am supposed to connect with every guest.

I don't even like most people. With in about 30 seconds or less, I pretty much decide if I like you or not. And if I don't, it means I'm tolerating you while you are there.

I wonder if I could get fired for this? I don't think so. I was going to say that be funny, but it kind of wouldn't. But, I can tell you, that I would be really really very really relieved that it happened. Dear god, I need a different job. One where I don't have to deal with people.

I see it as fake. I sense it as superficial. No one actually knows anyone. I see facades. I feel walls.

Don't get me wrong. If a guest wants to chat and the conversation flows, I'm cool with it. But usually....the conversation doesn't flow. At least not for me. Half the time I'm just making up things to say, to fill space, to give the guest the idea that I'm interested in what they are saying. And its not because I'm trying to be rude, or don't want to talk to them at all. I would love to talk. Except...

I have no fucking clue what to say. It doesn't resonate. It doesn't click. Words come at me like empty bubbles floating around my face and then I look inside my brain and say some words that kinda seem to fit with what the empty bubbles looks like.

Also, for me, being around that many different people within such a tight space, drains me. I get more tired from a 6 hour shift doing that, than I do working a 12 hour construction shift. What the hell am I doing?

I can barely write strait right now. My head is swimming. I went to sleep last night running over the scenarios at work, and woke up with the same thoughts racing through my mind.

Not cool bro.

Why am I doing this? I like the job. I enjoy the people I work with. And its been chill up until last night. I don't think its because it got busy. Yeah I struggled a bit, but held it together for the busyness sake. But that anxiety kicked in right as that meeting was taking place and I felt singled out. And then it went down hill from there.

Thoughts running through my head all night, that I should quit and find a job where I don't have to talk to people. I kept noticing different occasions of complaining about some guests and how they are bitches and rude and whatever. And other guests are loved. And that's where I get lost. I can't fake being nice if I don't like you.

I will respect you. I will do my job and be polite and take care of what ever you heart desires. But I'm not going to find anything to connect on.

I don't like what I'm writing, this is horse shit. I don't feel anything right now. I'll tell you what I want right now. A fucking beer. A fucking beer and a friend to talk fucking shit. One that won't feel sorry for me, but talk shit with me, who gets me.

But they are busy and live a while away. So....no friend. But the way I'm craving beer right now, I'm pretty sure its going to happen tonight. Fuck me. It shall be glorious.

I want to start over. Maybe if I approach it differently. I think I need to be poetic

I love that I don't know what to write right now. I love that I feel empty inside. I love that I dread going into work tomorrow night. It gives me an opportunity to look at myself.

I know what to write. I'm still that hollow tree. The dread is the fuel for my insanity.

I crave a closeness that I only see in dreams. And those dreams have all but become lost memories it seems. Dark, dark, dark.

Connection, it's something that is felt. To sense another person's soul. To look into their eyes and feel their pulse of gravity.

Maybe its the super blood blue moon. Lets just go with that.

I'll come back to this later.

'La Loving Logan'

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