I Drank Beer; I Smoked Weed

I was feeling crazy earlier. It made for random funny moments in the kitchen earlier. Whale sounds and monkey noises. Poetry of gods.

The anxiety was intense. I knew I would have to drink some beer to bring me down. 

I get so lost in my head sometimes. But its not really my head, its just the way I feel about things. That's why it's so difficult to express sometimes. Because, that is not something I know how to do. Express my feelings. 

It's apparent in this blog thing. I tell a story of something that happened to try and express how I feel and it comes out either feeling really good, or just down right, random as hell with no settling of emotions. 

Sometimes I wonder if I would be labeled or categorized as sitting outside the conventional "norms" of the spectrum. These thoughts wander through my mind. I'm 95% inclined to believe it. It kinda makes sense. 

I also have seen thoughts of , for lack of a better word, well...maybe I should find a better word. Lets see....I have seen a thought in passing, that stated it would be easier to eliminate it all. I never contemplated it. It was just a striking glimmer of a random moment. I wonder if other people see the same thing.

I did some art today, and I found myself relinquishing all expectations. I played with several different mediums and in each one I saw darkness. 

I saw darkness turning into light. But it was all still dark. Black, like a raven. I saw an ornamented raven today, sitting on a ledge. Ravens, or crows are my omens. They speak me to me in numbers and blessings. 

I once saw two ravens that followed me for a while. I believed them to be the spirits of my Grandfather Smitty and my dear friend Dee. They brought signs and comforting in a moment of struggle. 

As I was reading at the bar tonight I realized that acceptance of my present circumstance is a token of challenge and creativity. I know I get lost in contemplating circumstances that present themselves to me. But it's in these endeavors of curiosity that I find a piece of the missing puzzle. 

I was sitting with mum and the sister tonight before I drank beer and smoked weed. I found the memory of my parents giving my dog away come up. I don't even know what this means. But it was there. So was the fact that I was sheltered, and I mentioned that it was part of the reason I struggle so much. All in a half joking manner of course. 

After coming back home I found myself enjoying a conversation and moment with sister and mum. 

We talked about hair of all things. Now that I think of it. We were talking about hair the first time I told me mum I was hetero-flexible. What is with this hair stuff. I want to go for a crazy style for some reason too.

Acceptance of where I am at. Acceptance of who I am. Connect with my self in my own inner desires and I will find connection with others. I knew there was a simple way of putting it. 

Sometimes it just takes some good ole stimulation. Mm.

But who am I??

The age old question.

I still don't understand this one. 

I know I am a spirit. I know that reality truly exits beyond this one.But I don't know what that  means for who I am. 

The world does not exists as I see it. And maybe that is the stem of where my ability to accept lies. I create these false images of grandeur that I know to be true. But within this present moment they fall drastically short. 

I see the utopian society. I see people being kind. I see dogma realized as antiquated. But it's a process.

And it still makes no sense that I have to tell myself this. But I do. I have to remind myself constantly that things are as they should be. 

But this is good. It is good to return toward focusing on the splendor. To see the wonder of all of life, but be able to sustain a grounding perception on reality beckons for a magic that I have only craved for.

I feel like a pirate. I'm in search of my treasure that exists within an existential idea of magical witchery. 

Also the digits for today add up to 222 which add up to 6. My life number. Which is what I was reading bout in the bar. 2/02/2018

2+2+2+0+1+8 = 15

1+5 = 6

And it is now 1:05 am exactly = 6

'La Loving Logan'